Topic ID: 32834
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
writeholic
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 29 Oct 2007
Posts: 34
Reviews: 19
Country: USA
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:28 am Post subject: Poem |
 |
|
Poem
The Poets hand quivers-
With thoughts on edge of pen
The world upon their shoulders-
And races to begin.
They fling words onto a page
Before the thought will end.
Perspiration lay upon the brow-
A question, that will not end.
Wisdom feels the page-
None which they knew before,
Something pushes them on-
And they pay no thought to verse.
Invisible drops of blood fall-
Their soul written into prose;
The pen drops down-
Now; begins the poem..... |
_________________
"You start thinking anything is possible if you have enough nerve"- J.K Rowling |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: Re: Poem |
|
|
Hello, I'm Brooke. I saw that you are fairly new so I though that I would introduce myself. This poem was very good. It was enjoyable to read. I like the concept of the poem; a poet writing a poem about how poets write poems. Genius.
I thought I saw a little bit of errors like this:
| writeholic wrote: |
The Poets hand quivers-
With thoughts on edge of pen
|
I thought it should be written like this:
The Poet's hand quivers
With thoughts on edge of a pen
And I didn't really like the over use of dashes at the end of a line. But overall I liked it and I hope you continue the good work! Peace  |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
-Save-Ferris-
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 192
Reviews: 112
Country: Scotland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yes I though this was a really good poem as well. Great writing a poem about writing a poem 
Could I suggest you change the title to 'Poet' instead of 'Poem'? Makes more sense I believe.
My one suggestion to improve it:
| Quote: |
| They fling words onto a page |
I think it would read better using the present participle 'flinging' as opposed to 'They fling' the present.
Well done on this!
 |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Tally
Novice
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 4
Country: London, UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm not really a poet myself but I love the way you've captured the feeling that you just have to write, like there's something you have to say, a story you have to tell or whatever and you just need to get it down onto the page. I'm also inclined to agree with the suggestion about altering the title to "Poet" or perhaps "The Poet" but it's just a thought.
| Quote: |
Invisible drops of blood fall-
Their soul written into prose |
- I thought that was a particularly beautiful image.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it's inspired me to go write something and shift this silly writer's block! Great job |
_________________
"It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words." - Orwell, 1984.
icon by
cherry blossoms
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: goodie! |
|
|
All I have to say is "WOW" intense stuff. It fit together well, and I was just over all amazed by it.
PM me when you make a new poem!-Curly |
_________________
Where there is love, there is life-GHANDI |
|
| Back to top |
|
KaatiieBugg
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 13
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
Overall I liked it. There were a couple of grammatical errors, such as in the first line, it should be Poet's, not Poets. I likedd the imagery. and the language of the poem, it was pretty freakin' sweet!
My favorite part:
| Quote: |
Something pushes them on-
And they pay no thought to verse.
Invisible drops of blood fall-
Their soul written into prose;
The pen drops down-
Now; begins the poem..... |
This ending was very good, I liked how the ending of the poem tells us about the poem beginning. Good job! |
_________________
Writing: My Anti-Drug |
|
| Back to top |
|
Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 415
Reviews: 174
Country: Fantasy... DUH
350 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: Re: Poem |
|
|
| writeholic wrote: |
Poem
The Poets hand quivers-
With thoughts on edge of pen
The world upon their shoulders-
And races to begin.
Beautiful intro. I know the feeling!
They fling words onto a page
Before the thought will end.
Perspiration lay upon the brow-
A question, that will not end.
Nice imagery and well done with capturing the writing process.
Wisdom feels the page-
None which they knew before,
Something pushes them on-
And they pay no thought to verse.
Invisible drops of blood fall-
Their soul written into prose;
The pen drops down-
Now; begins the poem.....
Nice ending! |
I have nothing constructive to say... I'll be giving this a star now! |
_________________
Having a Bad Day?
"May a thousand fleas infest the crotch
of the person who screwed up your day,
and give them too short of arms to scratch." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Adnamarine
Gotta get up from here
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 12 Jan 2007
Posts: 675
Reviews: 129
Country: What are you, my stalker?
593 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 10:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I love poems about poetry, and I liked this very much:)
"The Poet's hand quivers-
With thoughts on edge of pen,
The world upon their shoulders-
And races to begin. Perfect beginning. I love it
They fling words onto a page For some reason, I don't really like the word 'fling' in this line... but don't feel the need to change it, if you don't want.
Before the thought will end.
Perspiration lay upon the brow- This line has one too many syllables for your rhythm. I rather think you could cut out 'lay' completely.
A question, that will not end. I think it would improve the rhythm to change 'will not' to 'won't and get rid of that extra syllable
Wisdom feels the page-
None which they knew before,
Something pushes them on- I think this line needs another syllable. Maybe make it "pushes them onward?
And they pay no thought to verse.
Invisible drops of blood fall-
Their soul written into prose; I don't really understand why you say 'written into prose'. Isn't this supposed to be about writing a poem? Maybe I'm missing something...
The pen drops down-
Now; begins the poem....." You're ending could not be better, except I don't see the purpose of the semi-colon. I'd get rid of it
Good job!
*adna* |
_________________
@(^_^)@
Got YWS?
If YWS had been around for the last 100 years, just think of all the poets it would have saved from committing suicide.
"Thus, the two-dimensional problem was really a one-dimensional problem in disguise!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
