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Sofiel
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 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: Synesthesia |
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I apologise in advance to anyone who actually has synesthesia and thinks my take on it is wrong.
I wrote this for a school assignment after reading 'A Mango-Shaped Space'.
It is sort of a response to the book, where the mother tries to eliminate the 'disease'.
Are you hearing this word, I`m seeing?
Are you seeing this sight, I`m hearing?
Watch closely, listen closer.
This is not a disease.
This is seeing.
This is hearing.
Are you watching this sunset, I'm reading?
Are you writing this colour, I'm watching?
Write clearly, see clearer.
This is not an issue.
This is reading.
This is watching.
Are you living this day, I'm feeling?
Are you feeling this life, I'm living?
Feel life, live life.
This is not a flaw.
This is being. |
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Last edited by Sofiel on Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:18 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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timjim77
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the chorus-like nature of the 'This is' sections. The commas-question mark combination leaves a lot to be desired. Are you asking a question, or asking a question an then making a statement? Either way, the question part leaves me wanting.
I have to say, while I am always for the writer's choice of perspective, I find it interesting that here you really didn't talk about synesthesia at all. The combination of senses, great fodder for poetry, was absent here. It seemed more like a vague defense of synesthesia, which is strange, since it isn't really something people criticize. Envy, more likely. |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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I agree with timjim that this seems like a vaguely focused defense of synesthesia. There were some interesting ideas in there, and I would love to see this topic explored more thoroughly - however, I felt that this poem barely scratched the surface. It did not give the reader any insight into the experience, and the repetition of format dulled the edges of the questions so that they lost impact.
This is a good base for a poem, but you need to go deeper. Try to get your reader to hear that sunset, see that feeling. What does it look like, sound like, feel like? We want to know, but you're not telling.
Hope that helps.
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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Meep
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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I think there's a lot of potential in the way this is set up, but not a lot of follow through. I really like the idea of the "are you seeing the ____ that I'm hearing" or whatever, but I'm not sure that you picked the best examples. I also really like the "this is [sense], this is [sense]" repeated after.
I would recommend doing a little research and picking a particular kind of synesthesia and working from there. It might give you a base to pick examples from and I think if you went with a specific type it would lend a more cohesive feel to the poem. |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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The last line is epic
^_^ |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there, sofiel!
I think this has great potential, but is not just there yet. In the middle I got a little frustrated of the repetition, though. Don't get me wrong – I like repetition, I use it myself, too, but you just have to be really careful of how you use it and how much. It can both make the poem and completely ruin it, so it's a risky business.
| Quote: |
| Are you hearing this word, I`m seeing? |
The comma is a bit annoying, and I don't think it should be there at all.
Have you realized you use two kinds of apostrophes?
| Quote: |
| Are you hearing this word, I`m seeing? |
| Quote: |
| Are you living this day, I'm feeling? |
Please choose either one.
OVERALL:
Like someone said, this is a good base for a poem. It has some nice views that just need a little expanding to really make them shine. Just edit this, make it more deep etcetera, and you've got it. Keep writing poems! 
Demeter xxx |
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Monki
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Just thought I'd point out that Crysi, here on YWS, has Synesthesia. If you would like more insight on this, PM her.  |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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interesting but, i agree with all others in the fact that it was just ok or it was interesting.
although i did like the repitition! overall this was a unique piece and i didn't find anything wrong in the grammar that someone didn't already didn't point out
keep writing
---Jon---  |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:33 am Post subject: |
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| Monki wrote: |
| Just thought I'd point out that Crysi, here on YWS, has Synesthesia. If you would like more insight on this, PM her. |
Lol! Yeah, and I haven't heard from you lately, dearest Monki. Thanks for the advertisement? XD
So, I really don't have much to say about this poem, except what others have said. It's very vague. I kind of liked that, because it could be dealing with synesthesia, or just life in general. But if you're going for more of a synesthetic approach... it's difficult to write a synesthetic poem without sounding corny or crazy, really. I wrote one once, but I don't think it's on here. What you need to do, as others have mentioned, is put the reader into the experience with details. Feel free to ask me for help with specifics, or you could do a bit of research at www.mixsig.net.
I liked it! I did. A bit of detail would make it better, but it's not bad. |
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Ohio Impromptu
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:54 am Post subject: |
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As a fellow synesthete, I agree with Crysi. There's so much you can do with a poem about the condition and yet very little that you can do to do it justice. No one could ever really describe it (Syd Barrett, maybe) but with such a colourful (literally) and sense-based subject, your writing has to be that much more descriptive and vivid. I don't have anything more to add about the poem itself that anyone hasn't said already, but I just thought I'd let you know how important it is to capture the condition in your style as well as your words.
...or something like that. |
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