Topic ID: 32898
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: Love is my season |
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My dear, you are my season,
Your burning looks like days.
A year with you, a sigh from the ocean,
spraying pebbles on the bays.
Love is my season.
And yes, so rightly so.
I’ve never seen the summer plant,
as much hope as you can sow.
Oh Love, your words may bite like winter,
but your icy hand I’d melt.
Love, you can’t be Autumn,
you’d never let teardrops pelt.
Love, you are my season!
I adore you like a child.
Spring may have a tricksy step,
but Love’s voice is more mild.
For Love, you are the sky-Oh yes!
Behind the honey stars you glow.
Your sandy hooves prance across my dreams,
you kiss my eyes like snow.
Love, you are my season,
such a marvel is your show.
Love, if you were heaven,
through your golden gates, I’d go. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: Re: Love is my season |
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Hi! As always, there were examples of great imagery and language. However, I felt that there were a couple of awkward sections as well:
| Eimear wrote: |
A year with you, a sigh from the ocean,
spraying pebbles on the bays. |
There are a few too many syllables in that first line there. 'A year with you's an ocean's sigh' fits the rhythm perfectly but doesn't everyone hate to see the word you's? 'A year with you is an ocean's sigh' has one less syllable than there is currently. I'm not sure how you could rephrase it, but I think this would be a line to look at again.
| Quote: |
Love is my season.
And yes, so rightly so. - 'So rightly so' feels a little too stilted, but you could possibly get away with it.
I’ve never seen the summer plant - No comma needed.
as much hope as you can sow. - I love this.
Oh Love, your words may bite like winter,
but your icy hand I’d melt.
Love, you can’t be Autumn,
you’d never let teardrops pelt. |
That last stanza there is the weakest, I think. Although the inversion of the first sentence does have an archaic sound about it, like most of the poem, I think the use of 'pelt' tips the stanza over the edge. Although the word makes sense (and the teardrop rain is a good image), I think you can edit this to make it better.
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Spring may have a tricksy step,
but Love’s voice is more mild. |
I like the comparison, but I'm not sure about 'voice' in the second line. I think it would be best to carry on the 'step' idea. For example, 'but Love's pace is more mild' or 'course' or 'way' or 'dance', something along those lines.
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For Love, you are the sky - oh yes! -
Behind the honey stars you glow. |
I think you should put another dash after 'oh yes!' so it goes into parentheses, although I'm not sure if it looks too awkward now.
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Your sandy hooves prance across my dreams, - This is sweet.
you kiss my eyes like snow. - Like this.
Love, you are my season,
such a marvel is your show.
Love, if you were heaven,
through your golden gates, I’d go. |
Do you need another comma before 'I'd go'? I'm never certain with grammar, especially commas. Aside from that query, lovely ending!
I liked the image of love as a season and how you compared it to each of the ordinary ones. There are a few points picked out above, but I think the main thing to look at is the winter/autumn verse. Now that I look at it again, maybe you could restructure the poem to put the seasons in order? Not necessarily spring first, but change autumn and winter around.
I hope some of this helps!  |
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Cian Hywel
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| All I can say is ...wow. Beautiful, exquisitely beautiful. |
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Cian Hywel
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:42 am Post subject: Re: Love is my season |
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| Eimear wrote: |
I’ve never seen the summer plant,
as much hope as you can sow. |
I think the comma here is a hindrance to the meaning. Without the comma, plant is more clear as a verb, which makes these two lines strikingly powerful. I like this!
| Eimear wrote: |
Oh Love, your words may bite like winter,
but your icy hand I’d melt. |
I don't know why but I really love this!
All in all, a striking poem that makes beauty of love, joy, and pain. |
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Cian Hywel
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:46 am Post subject: Re: Love is my season |
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| Eimear wrote: |
A year with you, a sigh from the ocean |
I don't know Sapphire, it sounds to me a lot like a wave crashing in, and pulling out. I think you could keep it. But it could go well either way. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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this was a beautiful poem with amazing imagery.
despite the few awkward moments that Sapphire pointed out, this was wonderful. your wording took my breath away.
Excellent job!
-GC10 |
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Blink
I think therefore I Blink.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Eimear!
I read another of your poems yesterday, so I thought I'd check out this one:
| Quote: |
My dear, you are my season,
Your burning looks like days. |
Firstly, I'm sure you already know but a capital letter is only ever needed at the start of a new sentence or a proper noun, as with prose. This is a lovely opening to a poem but you might want to change the comma to a colon, try to connect the sentences so they don't just feel like off-topic ramblings.
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| And yes, so rightly so. |
This builds a nice atmosphere but this seems to just repeat what doesn't need to be said--could this poem survive just as well without it? Instead of telling us it's rightly so, as I recommended before try to explain why, bring us in with the poem.
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| Oh Love, your words may bite like winter, |
Split these clauses up into separate lines.
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| For Love, you are the sky-Oh yes! |
That last bit seems a little random, I'd remove it since there's no real purpose.
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Love, If you were heaven, |
| Quote: |
| through your golden gates, I’d go. |
This would be better as:
"through the golden gates
I'd go."
The comma limited the flow and giving the last part it's own line signifies it.
Overall, I really preferred this to your other poem. My recommendation would be to focus a little more on the actual seasons. Only one name of one was mentioned and it seems a little irrelevant, it's as if you missed or even forgot the others.
Lovely ending,
 |
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