Topic ID: 32953
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Cian Hywel
Novice

Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jul 2008 Posts: 9 Reviews: 4 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: Shadow |
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If you ask me what is wrong
I won't know what to say
If you ask what I want,
I will still meet you with silence.
Not completely present,
Not entirely here;
There is form
But it is flat,
The definition hidden.
All immaterial,
As a shadow.
This isn't living
It's a shadow life
And yet, like the shadow
I know the definition is still there
All those certainties
All the distinction,
Everything is still present, only
Hidden.
Something must cast the shadow, and
Light must illuminate it.
And then,
I wonder.
I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me
Appear so clear, because there
Never were such walls penning me in;
There is no way out,
Because the prison does not exist.
I wonder,
If, when looking at my shadow,
I forget
The light that's shining, and
Who's doing the
Looking. |
Last edited by Cian Hywel on Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:37 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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powerofwords2008
Junior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 Jul 2008 Posts: 43 Reviews: 26
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 1:07 am Post subject: Re: Shadow |
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| Cian Hywel wrote: |
I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me
Appear so clear, because there
Never were such walls penning me in;
There is no way out,
Because the prison does not exist.
I wonder,
If, when looking at my shadow,
I forget
The light that's shining, and
Who's doing the
Looking. |
i really like this quote and your wording itself along with the stanzas adds to its meaning to make it more clear. overall awesom. |
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natalie
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jun 2008 Posts: 48 Reviews: 34
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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I love this poem. It has great feeling and the variation of stanza length adds an amazing structure which is easy to read.
The first stanza is amazing, i love the whole meantion about silence.
My favourite part has got to be about the non-existant prison. The way you have styled the poem is really great. I love it.
Natalie |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 438 Reviews: 81 Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out. 320 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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only a few times did you lose the flow, but those were barely noticeable. my favorite was the very first stanza. it was so beautiful.
this piece had great emotion and expression.
at the very beginning, i wasn't sure if your varying stanza length was intentional, but i'm assuming it was (well, duh.)
the different lengths did--as said previously--added a great structure to the poem and kept the reader's attention (mine, at least).
this was an awesome poem.
great job!
-GC10 |
_________________ "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼ Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 07 Jun 2008 Posts: 464 Reviews: 75 Country: USA 512 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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If you ask me what is wrong--- comma?
I won't know what to say
If you ask what I want,
I still will meet you with silence.-- this line breaks the rhythm
Not completely present,
Not entirely here;
There is form
But it is flat,
The definition hidden.
All immaterial,
As a shadow.
This isn't living
It's a shadow life
And yet, like the shadow
I know the definition is still there
All those certainties
All the distinction,
Everything is still present, only
Hidden.
Something must cast the shadow, and------ these two line are very true, i like it
Light must illuminate it.
And then,
I wonder.
I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me
Appear so clear, because there
Never were such walls penning me in;--- should use a comma
There is no way out,
Because the prison does not exist.--- very good line!
I wonder,
If, when looking at my shadow,
I forget
The light that's shining, and
Who's doing the
Looking.
i don't have much to say because this poem was good and just great,
gold star
---Jon--- |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 23 May 2008 Posts: 232 Reviews: 139
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: Re: Shadow |
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Hi! Welcome to YWS!
I really liked this. I've quoted it so I can make suggestions as to punctuation you could use, in an attempt to make myself feel useful.
| Cian Hywel wrote: |
If you ask me what is wrong,
I won't know what to say.
If you ask what I want,
I will still meet you with silence. - Switched 'will' and 'still' to prevent it jarring.
Not completely present,
Not entirely here.
There is form
But it is flat,
The definition hidden.
All immaterial - Don't necessarily need a comma here.
As a shadow.
This isn't living;
It's a shadow life. - Like those last two lines.
And yet, like the shadow,
I know the definition is still there.
All those certainties,
All the distinction -
Everything is still present, only
Hidden.
Something must cast the shadow, and
Light must illuminate it.
And then,
I wonder.
I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me
Appear so clear, because there
Never were such walls penning me in. - Love this. Although, maybe to link better with the mention of 'prison' later on, you could try a substitute for 'penning'. A word similar to 'confining', but not it, since it's a little clichéd and could be viewed as melodramatic.
There is no way out,
Because the prison does not exist.
I wonder - Took out comma since you didn't use one before in 'I wonder if'.
If, when looking at my shadow,
I forget
The light that's shining, and
Who's doing the
Looking. |
I'm sorry I don't have any real criticisms to make, but I don't think you need them. You express with ease a feeling that is difficult to explain, so well done. |
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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