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bunnie_i_am
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 Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: A small whimper, but no more |
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The first thing I saw was the newspaper. It read of a man who died while trying to save his kid from drowning, my kid.
And the next was the kid, she sat in her room, crying. In no way, was I any comfort to her. for whenever I looked at her, all I saw was the man I love, the man she toke away from me.
The next thing I saw was the ring on my left hand. It no longer had any meaning to it. All it was, was an empty promise. All it did was take up space and bring back memories that were not meant to be thought of.
Then I saw was the knife. It would be fast, if I stabbed in the right place. right in the heart, and it should stop the blood flow immediately. I knew I couldn't scream, if I did I would see her face. Her big brown eyes would stop me right on the spot.
I pulled the knife back, about to make the broken promise meaningful again, it slid in between my ribs. I let out a small whimper, but no more than that.
The last thing I saw was the best thing on this planet, no, that's not a wide enough range, in this universe. Through out all of heaven, there was not a single angel that had a better looking face. He was walking towards me, with a look of worry on his face. He tries to talk, but I hear no sound.
The knife slides in deeper.
Looking angry now, he was running towards me, but not getting any closer.
The knife pierces my heart, as I hear a scream that brought tears to my eyes. She shouldn't have to see this, but it was to late now. I stood up and walked straight into his arms. No longer feeling any pain, weather it was from the knife, or being away from him, but it was gone. I was healed, I was through living here on earth. I was gone. |
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Clo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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Hey bunnie you are! 
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| The first thing I saw was the newspaper. It read of a man who died while trying to save his kid from drowning, my kid. |
"My kid" is just hanging there at the end. You need to connect it with a colon. "drowning: my kid".
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And the next was the kid, she sat in her room, crying. |
I think you should start a new paragraph after the first sentence.
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| In no way, was I any comfort to her. for whenever I looked at her, all I saw was the man I love, the man she toke away from me. |
"In no way was I any comfort to her." Ditch the comma. Capitalize "for". "Toke" should be "took". And... what? This sentence is just confusing. You can't just keep using "he" and "her" and "she". You need names, because I'm very confused.
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| All it was, was an empty promise. |
Instead of this awkward phrasing, try: "It was just an empty promise."
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Then I saw was the knife |
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| right in the heart, and it should stop the blood flow immediately |
Capitalize "right". And REALISM here: Stop the blood flow? I think you're gonna be bleeding a lot if you stab yourself in the heart.
Realism: Okay, if I get what happens at the beginning, their child dies. If their child dies they would NOT see it first in the newspaper. They would be contacted.
Who ARE these people?: I don't know any of these characters. You set up a scenario, but never introduce me to anybody. I don't even know any names. The lack of names makes it very confusing, as I'm not entirely sure who you're talking about half the time.
Edit, Edit, Edit: Even before you post your stuff here, check your writing for non-capitalized starts of sentences, for typos. Because it seems you didn't do that here.
This piece needs a lot more detail, characterization... give the plot more detail as well.
Sorry to be harsh. PM with questions, and keep writing! |
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So she was turned to a pillar of salt. So it goes."
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: wow |
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| This was so intense but so real and true and it made me feel the womans pain. Good job, I enjoyed it though, and it flowed out really well! I agree with some editing, but other then that, ur awesome as pie! |
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x-Jett-x
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:11 am Post subject: |
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it was good, really really connected you to the woman, although, I'm thinking she's a little bit selfish, i dont know if it was meant to be that way, but i feel more sorry for the Kid than the Mother.. like she didnt care.
there was some good varied sentences in there, which is good, theres nothing worse than long drawn out sentences, one after an other.
its brill |
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bunnie_i_am
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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| thank you. I will fix some of those mistakes. Yes, she was ment to sound a bit selffish. I think Jett got the piont of the passage. thank you all. |
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Rabid_Writer
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:48 am Post subject: |
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The first thing I saw was the newspaper. It read of a man who died while trying to save his kid from drowning, my kid.
And the next was the kid, she sat in her room, crying. In no way, was I any comfort to her. for whenever I looked at her, all I saw was the man I love, the man she toke away from me. |
Instead of saying 'kid' maybe you should say child. It seems to fit better in this situation..
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| The next thing I saw was the ring on my left hand. It no longer had any meaning to it. All it was, was an empty promise. All it did was take up space and bring back memories that were not meant to be thought of. |
I love the whole, empty promise thing! Awesome!
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| Then I saw was the knife. It would be fast, if I stabbed in the right place. Right in the heart, and it should stop the blood flow immediately. I knew I couldn't scream, if I did I would see her face. Her big brown eyes would stop me right on the spot. |
The R needs to be capatilized and I love the description of this.
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| I pulled the knife back, about to make the broken promise meaningful again, it slid in between my ribs. I let out a small whimper, but no more than that. |
Again, the broken promise. Great!
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| The last thing I saw was the best thing on this planet, no, that's not a wide enough range, in this universe. Through out all of heaven, there was not a single angel that had a better looking face. He was walking towards me, with a look of worry on his face. He tries to talk, but I hear no sound. |
This part is my absolute favorite. I love how she only sees him and only concentrates on him.
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The knife slides in deeper.
Looking angry now, he was running towards me, but not getting any closer. |
I like the 'he was running but not getting any closer,' part. Amazing.
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| The knife pierces my heart, as I hear a scream that brought tears to my eyes. She shouldn't have to see this, but it was to late now. I stood up and walked straight into his arms. No longer feeling any pain, weather it was from the knife, or being away from him, but it was gone. I was healed, I was through living here on earth. I was gone. |
Perfect ending! Awesome, amazing, great! I L-O-V-E it!
Great!
~Rabid |
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chinchillagirl_34
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
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The first thing I saw was the newspaper. It read of a man who died while trying to save his kid from drowning, my kid.
This part was alittle confusing. When I first read this sentnce I thought it was just some random guy who tried to save her kid from being drowend by his kid. Then as I go on I see that it was her husband saving their kid.
Her big brown eyes would stop me right on the spot.
I like this way of describing her daughter, and I think that she at least she dosen't want her daughter to see her kill herself. At that part I knew some were in her mind she still cared for her kid.
The last thing I saw was the best thing on this planet, no, that's not a wide enough range, in this universe. Through out all of heaven, there was not a single angel that had a better looking face.
This part I thought was so romantic. I'm not really into stories were the main chacter kills themself, but this was diffrent I was completly blown away. Well all in all you rock keep writing!!!!!! |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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This was good Very, very intense. It kept me reading right into the end.
However, I don't feel attached in any way to these people. I mean, I know I should feel SOMETHING for your MC as she stabs herself...yet there is nothing. I don't mean to sound harsh but you didn't even have names for them. However, I atcually did like the no-name thing. Somehow, it made your story all the more dramatic, which is good. But you need to somehow make the reader FEEL for your characters in some way.
Also, your use of commas was sort of strange. In some places, instead of a comma, a period would have been better. Just read the story out loud to yourself, and you'll see what I mean. It just felt as though I was pausing in unnatural places.
But other than that, I really did enjoy this! |
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Alarainya
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Very good, I have just one problem. She says, "Her big brown eyes would stop me right on the spot." Well thinking of them would too, right? If she didn't want to let her daughter see her kill herself, wouldn't she think about how it would hurt her daughter if she killed herself. I just think there should have been a bit more to this story, a bit more of the MC thinking about what would happen to her, or what would happen to everyone around her if she did this...But good job, it kept me interested till the end. |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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The thing that bugged me most about this was that I really didn't like the MC. I actually hated her. I know she was in love with her husband, but it just seemed despicable that she committed suicide right there, letting her daughter watch.
It was well-written, but the subject matter wasn't really worth wasting your time one.
So, unless you wanted everyone to despise the Mom? I don't get it. ;-;
Good job, anyways. I'm sure you'll find better stuff to write about.
Best 'o luck!
-SELA |
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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick. |
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