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The Birds
The Birds

by lukas8u in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 9, 2008
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Once upon a Time- Chapter One
Once upon a Time- Chapter Two

Once Upon a Time

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Wang Chung   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: Once Upon a Time Reply with quote

I know this is criminally short, but the rest of the story won't be. I promise!

*******************************************

Once upon a time, a monster came to the little town of Hangleton. This monster killed a psychiatrist, two men at a convenience store, and raped a diner waitress. He killed the psychiatrist because he was annoying, he killed the men at the convenience store because they were rude to him, and he raped the waitress because he was having a particularly gloomy day and needed a good fuck. This monster was no ghoulie, or ghostie, or long-legged beastie, but Abram Waters was a monster nonetheless.

Frank Shaw worked with the Hangleton Police Department. Frank Shaw was the man assigned to find Abram Waters. Frank Shaw failed. Not because Waters was particularly elusive or cunning, but because he killed himself. There was some shock at first, but was closely followed by rejoicing. A town’s nightmares were buried in Abram Waters’ grave.

For Frank Shaw, however, no rejoicing followed the shock. Only devastation. Even now, when Shaw has his grandchildren curled sleepily in his lap, and he tells them the harrowing story of how Grandpa Shaw took down one of the worst criminals ever to riddle the town of Hangleton, he is denied the satisfaction from seeing his grandchildren’s faces spread with excitement and wonder because he knows the truth. Frank Shaw knows that in a cowardly act of desperation and self-disgust, Abram Waters killed himself, and Frank Shaw knows that after serving thirty years in the force, he has not one heroic act to tell.

So, when you slip into bed tonight, and look out your dark window, if you do not see your tired gaze, but Frank Shaw’s or Abram Waters’, I’ll know I’ve caught your attention. Tell me if I have.


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Last edited by Wang Chung on Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:07 am; edited 1 time in total
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BlackMirror   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very strange, but I'm curious as to where you will go with the rest of the story.

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ButterFlyInk   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 7:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where's the rest? *looks under the bed* *looks in the kitchen cupboards*
I wanna know where the rest of the story is..

This piece is strange but interesting, and yes it is criminally short but that's one of the things that makes me wonder about the rest of the story.

I love this sooo much. I wish i could hook people in like that Sad
Please PM me when the next part comes.

-Ink

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wang Chung, your post has already been edited once because the **** you put in was way too long and caused the layout to break on the main page. Please do not do this again and leave it as is.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought this was an interestind idea, and I want to know more! But it is as has already been said, too short! I know this is a prolouge, but even for a prolouge it is too short.

The first paragraph is way too rushed and very child-like written.

The second paragraph is better. My one problem was :

Quote:
Frank Shaw was the man assigned to find Abram Waters.


Use of the wrong tense, making it sound very child like. It should read, to make it sound more mature, "Frank Shaw had been assigned to find Abram Waters."

The third paragraph was great though. Great description, great length. I like the third paragraph.

I didn't really understand the last two lines. You say this is some kind of prolouge? That seems so much like the end of a story.

I would love to read this if there was more to it!

Keep at it Wink
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powerofwords2008   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:41 pm    Post subject: Once Upon A Time Reply with quote

interesting piece to say the least although i am not exactly sure what it is about. i would maybe elaborate it a bit more toward the middle section and well. okay piece overall.
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