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by Angel of Death in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 7, 2008
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Poison Love
Poison Love - chapter 1
Poison Love - chapter 3
Poison Love Chapter 4
Poison Love- Chapter 5
Poison Love - Chapter 6

Poison Love - Chapter 2 Goto page 1, 2  Next

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Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:30 pm    Post subject: Poison Love - Chapter 2 Reply with quote

There. i have edited the chapter. if you still find any problem with it, let me know.

Chapter two

We rode the bike at city speed limits. I passed blunt directions to Adam via the microphones in our helmets and ground my teeth over the bike’s slow pace. It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace! we ended up going to the outer limits of the city. The trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown. He realized that this ride was going to take awhile. So he started a conversation.

“How the hell did you get into the city, if you live all the way out here?” he spoke into the microphone.

“One of my sisters dropped me off at the library,” I said, “but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.”

“It isn’t safe to wander around alone, especially since there is a serial killer on the loose,” he said.

“I know, but I can handle myself,” I retorted. I can more then handle myself. He laughed. He had a deep, rich laugh.

“So, you have sisters,” he commented, trying to keep the conversation going. I nodded.

“Yes. Two sisters and two brothers,” I said, annoyed. Why did he want to know every little detail about me? I mean it not like he's going to mean something to me. He's a lower life form.

“Wow. Your parents have a hand full then. I'm lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated. After that, we rode in silence for a while which I was grateful for; until he asked another question. Why couldn’t the damn human shut his mouth? And what with questions?

“Hey. What school do you go to?” he asked; I had to think for a moment.

“Woodcrest,” I replied, “Why?”

“Just wanted to know. Did you know that we go to the same school?” he asked, chuckling.

“Yeah, I know of you, but I have never met you. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated. My Captian i thought. i was on the fencing too, he just never to interest in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now.

“Well hey, you seem to know about me, but I don’t know anything about you,” he said. Nor do I want you to I thought. He pulled onto a gravel road and stopped when we came upon a big gate. He turned off the bike and took off his helmet. I got off and took off mine.

“This is it?” he asked as he eyed the gate.

“Yep. Here,” I said as I held out the helmet to him. He took it and placed it behind him. “Thanks for the ride, even though you didn’t have to.”

“It’s the least I could do since my friends were being rude to you,” he said. I smiled. “ Will you be able to get in?” he pointed to the gate.

“Yeah,” I said as I pulled out a little, blue card from my back pocket. I walked up to a box and put the card in. I typed in the code and viola! The gate was open. Adam eyed the long drive.

“It still looks pretty far. Can I drive you up to the house?” he asked. Good try, but…nah I thought as I tried not to smile at him.

“Nah. I will be fine,” I said as I walked backwards past the gate. Once I was behind the gatepost, they started to close.

“Hey! I still don’t know you. I only know you by your first name,” he cried. I smiled and giggled like a little girl.

“You will find out the rest. Tomorrow at school,” I said as I continued walking backwards. He begrudgingly took that, as I wasn’t going to tell him anything more and put his helmet back on. He waved his hand and left. I about gagged as the exhaust fumes hit me. I waved in return before turning around and walking up to the house as the gate fully closed. From a distance you could see the beauty of my family’s house. It was two stories Victorian style home with a wrap around porch. Beside it was a garage that was just as big as the house.

As I walked up, I noticed someone sitting on the porch. Adelicia I thought. Adelicia was a petite young woman. She wore a black dress with black tights, which contrasted with her blond hair and blue eyes. I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long.

“I knew someone would be on the porch, waiting for me, but I never thought it would be you,” I said as I walked up to the porch. She was sitting on the steps.

“Who was that?” she asked and stood up as I walked by her.

“Just some guy I met at my old place,” I answered as I opened the wooden door. We both walked inside. We were greeted with old house smell. It smelled musty, like the back of the closet with mothballsThe inside of the house looked modern and yet had a traditional felt to it. I could heard our feet shuffle against the hardwood floor. I took out my iPod and set it on the small table across from the closet. I took off my jacket, revealing my Paramore t-shirt. I opened the closet door, took out a hanger, and hung it up. I closed the closet door and I grabbed my iPod and went to the kitchen, with Adelicia trailing behind me.

“So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” she asked as she sat down on one of the stools. She leaned against the counter and peered at me.

“God, no!” I cried in surprise, “He’s human, for Pete’s sake, and I just met the guy.” She stared at me. I opened the fridge and got out the blood-wine, and then I opened the cabinet and got a glass. I poured some into it and put the bottle away back into the fridge.

“Where are the others?” I asked as I gulped the drink. I closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the fresh, cool liquid went slipped down my throat. I opened my eyes to see her shrug. I sipped at the drink, thinking.

“Oh, by the way. Landon says he wants to see you about something. Something with the council,” she said as she looked at me. What is it with staring at me? I thought. She looked like I had insulted her. Aren’t I allowed to look at you? Her voice entered my head.

“Yes, but you don’t do it this often,” I said as I looked at her with concern.

“I'm just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation.

“Why?” I asked in surprise.

“You know the rules and jazz. I just don’t want you to get involved with the human and have to pay the price for it,” she said.

“I know. Where is Landon? I might as well see what he wants,” I said as I shook my head. What does he want now?

“He is in the study,” she said, “I would be careful, he hasn’t had a good day.”

“Thanks for the warning.” I said as I walked away, taking my drink with me. With a sway of my hips, I went upstairs and walked the entire way back through the hallway. I knocked on the end door.

“Enter,” a deep voice said from the other side. I turned the knob and went in.


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Last edited by Night Mistress on Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:22 am; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:59 pm    Post subject: wow Reply with quote

The details in this story are so magnificent. You really have innerthinking going for you too, plus I see alot of really well put together diolouge. I find both charaters really well put together and sophisticated in a way, they aren't really humorous, there more of the Rolling Eyes type, and i really find myself intrested in those charaters because it's hard to find. I can see character development is going to go really well, because i can see you know where your heading with this story, good job!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This chapter was better, I'm starting to enjoy this story more and more. ^^
Thank you for PMing me, I really like reading this. ^^
I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up the good work! ^^
I'm not very good at critiquing, so, yea... this is all I got... sorry...

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Abocreature

No problem on PMing you. In fact, if you want me to, I will PM you whenever i post a new chapter.

thanks again.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my gosh! That was amazing! Please write more! My tummy is all tied up from reading such a great story! PM me when you get more please!!!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bunnie_i_am:

I'm glad you find my story enjoy. I'm sorry about the tied-up tummy. I am working on the next chapter as we speak.

I will PM you when i have the next chapter posted.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a good story so far. You really need to continue it because it's awesome even with a lot of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I'd recommend going back and definitely checking the spelling/ grammmar in all of them, because it would be an amazing story if you just fixed up the spelling and grammar. Also, I noticed that the story is split between past and present tenses, like you can't make up your mind on which sounds better. You should definitely fix that and stick to one of them. I'd probably stick to past tense because you seem to use it the most and it's rather easier to do than present tense.

Right now I give this story an 8/ 10. It can change if you fix those few errors. This is a great piece, though and I love it! PM me when it's fixed! 0(o.o)0

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it! Its was such a great story. I am enjoying it more and more as the story progresses. Your characters are interesting and they are ready to keep on blooming! Very Happy

Your plot line as well is interesting and I am looking forward to seeing where you take it.

The only mistake I saw has already been pointed out and that would be to decide on past or present tenses. Other then that...

I loved it! Keep going with your writing, I can't wait to find out what happens! Smile

Thanks for PMing me! Wink

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

But I must say, the first thing that caught my attention was your tenses. You need to pick one and stick to it. You went back and forth between present and past tenses. You need to keep consistent with that. Now, on with the review!

Quote:
“One of my sisters drop me off at the library,” I said, “ but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wander around.”


Need to add “ed”’s to all of your verbs. It sounds funny right now. It’s as if she is talking about her life in present tense, which is kind of odd.

Quote:
“Well hey, you seems to know about me, but I don’t know anything about you,” he said.


“seem” instead of “seems”

Quote:
He pulled on a gravel road and stopped we came upon a big gate.


You are missing the word “when” in here. It should be in-between “stopped” and “we”

Quote:
“It’s was the least I could do since my friends were being rude to you,” he said.


Either cut out “was” or leave it as “It” I advise you take the first option, but that’s just me Wink both will work.

Quote:
“Yeah,” I said as I put out a card from my back pocket.


“pull” instead of “put”

Well, other than that, everything was good. It was nice and slow and the flow was good. Also, I’m guessing the “blood-wine” is actually blood right?? If it is, that’s a really creative idea! I like it a lot! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

PM me when you post the third chapter!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks you guys for reading my story.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really enjoying this story & it's getting more like a page-turner as you go on!!
I've got a few pointers for you in this document & I hope it will help you out & can you please PM me when you submit the following piece??
Lucyy xx


Chapter Two.doc
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi it's Merry again. I read ch.2 and it was like "Whoa...I had a really good feeling" reading this.
Okay when she talked about her sisters, is Adelicia one of them? The paramore t-shirt was a cute touch and so was the ipod. {don't own one but a zune instead.}
It was scary how much she knew about Adam Hart but I guess she does have those non-human abilities after all.
Now is Adam from the preface? Knowing that he's human and Elizabeth is not.
When I read about Aidan he reminds me of Gabriel off of "Blood and chocolate". Just a little bit.
Otherwise I'm off to read ch.3...
-Merry
~Great job! And keep writing this one...I really like it.~
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There. I have edited. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles of the story. I hope you enjoy the edited version.

NM

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey i love this story and can't wait for more :thud:
your details are amazing and i can't wait to reveiw the next chapter
i couldn't find anythind wrong (i'm bad at this whole reveiw thing:smt009 )


bye

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Chapter two
We rode the bike at city speed limits. He followed the directions I gave him via the microphones that he had in the helmets. We ended up going to the outer limits of the city. [The introduction is a little poor. There’s not enough description or variety in sentence length. Also, remind us of ‘his’ name every now and then, particularly at the beginning of a new chapter. Perhaps something like ‘I passed blunt directions to Adam via the microphones in our helmets and ground my teeth over the bike’s slow pace. It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and travelling at a human pace!’ That should give you some ideas but I’m not sure if it fits your character? The reader doesn’t really know her too well yet.] The trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown. He realized that this ride was going to take awhile. So he started a conversation.
“How the hell did you get into the city, if you live all the way out here?” he spoke into the microphone.
“One of my sisters dropped me off at the library,” I said, “ but [No space between the speech marks and ‘but’ .] I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.”
“It isn’t safe to wander around alone, especially since there is a serial killer on the loose,” he said.
“I know, but I can handle myself,” I retorted. I can more then handle myself. He laughed. He had a deep, rich laugh.
“So, you have sisters,” he commented, trying to keep the conversation going. I nodded.
“Yep. I have two of them and I also have two brothers,” I said, annoyed. Why did he want to know every little detail about me? [She doesn’t seem to be too reluctant in telling him though. Maybe have her ask why he wants to know? Or be short and blunt. Like: “Two sisters and two brothers.”]
“Wow. Your parents have a hand full then. I am lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated. After that, we rode in silence, which I was grateful for, a while [Awkward way to phrase it. Try ‘…rode in silence for a while which I was grateful for; until he asked another question.’ Or you could have that last fragment as a sentence on its own if you want to be a little dramatic.] until he asked another question.
“Hey. What school do you go to?” he asked. [This sounds repetitive. The asked part I mean. Instead, place a colon after question and then you don’t need the dialogue tag.] I had to think for a moment.
“Woodcrest, I believe,” I replied, “why?”
“Just wanted to know. Did you know that we go to the same school?” he asked, chuckling.
“Yeah, I know. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated.
“Well hey, you seem to know about me, but I don’t know anything about you,” he said. Nor do I want you to I thought. He pulled onto a gravel road and stopped when we came upon a big gate. He turned off the bike and took off his helmet. I got off and took off mine.
“This is it?” He asked as he eyed the gate.
“Yep. Here,” I said as I held out the helmet to him. He took it and placed it behind him. “Thanks for the ride, even though you didn’t have to.”
“It’s the least I could do since my friends were being rude to you,” he said. I smiled. “ Will you be able to get in?” he pointed to the gate.
“Yeah,” I said as I pulled out a little, blue card from my back pocket. I walked up to a box and put the card in. I typed in the code and viola! The gate was open. Adam eyed the long drive.
“It still looks pretty far. Can I drive you up to the house?” he asked. Good try, but…nah I thought as I try tried not to smile at him.
“Nah. I will be fine,” I said as I walked backwards past the gate. Once I was behind the gatepost, they started to close.
“Hey! I still don’t know you. I only know you by your first name,” He [Small h.] cried. I smiled and giggled like a little girl.
“You will find out the rest. Tomorrow at school,” I said as I continued walking backwards. He begrudgingly took that, as I wasn’t going to tell him anything more and put his helmet back on. He waved his hand and left. I waved in return before turning around and walking up to the house as the gate fully closed.
As I walked up, I noticed someone sitting on the porch. Adelicia I thought. Adelicia was someone very special to me, kind of like a sister, for she was one. [Don’t contradict yourself. Pick one or the other. She’s either kind of like a sister or she is a sister (even if only in the narrator’s eyes.)]
“I knew someone would be on the porch, waiting for me, but I never thought it would be you,” I said as I walked up to the porch. She was sitting on the steps.
“Who was that?” she asked and stood up as I walked by her.
“Just some guy I met at my old place,” I answered as I opened the door. We both walked inside. I took out my iPod and set it on the table across from the closet. I took off my jacket, revealing my Paramore t-shirt. I opened the closet door, took out a hanger, and hung it up. I grabbed my iPod and went to the kitchen, with Adelicia trailing behind me.
“So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” She asked as she sat down on one of the stools. She leaned against the counter and peered at me.
“God, no!” I cried in surprise, “ He’s [No space between the speech marks and ‘He’s’.] human, for Pete’s sake, and I just met the guy.” She stared at me. I opened the fridge and put [Put out? Took or got would make more sense.] out the blood-wine, and then I opened the cabinet and got a glass. I poured some into it and put the bottle away [Comma here.] back into the fridge.
“Where are the others?” I asked as I gulped the drink. I closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the cool liquid went [I’d replace this word with gurgled or slipped. Something a little more interesting.] down my throat. I opened my eyes to see she shrugged her shrug. I sipped at the drink, thinking.
“Oh, by the way. Aidan says he wants to see you about something. Something with the council,” She [Small s.] said as she looked at me. What is it with staring at me? I thought. She looked like I had insulted her. Aren’t I allowed to look at you? Her voice entered my head.
“Yes, but you don’t do it this often,” I said as I looked at her with concern.
“I am just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation.
“Why?” I asked in surprise.
“You know the rules. I just don’t want you to get involved with the human,” she said.
“I know. Where is Aidan? I might as well see what he wants,” I said as I shook my head. What does he want now?
“He is in the study,” she said, “I would be careful, he hasn’t had a good day.”
“Thanks for the warning.” I said as I walked away, taking my drink with me. With a sway of my hips, I went upstairs and walked the entire way back in through the hallway. I knocked on the end door.
“Enter,” a deep voice said from the other side. I turned the knob and went in.


_________________________________

In general, it's pretty good but I think you need to work on your description a touch more. What does Adelicia look like or sound like? What does the house look like? You was doing pretty well when you described the gate and the length of the drive-way but what about the rest? What colour carpets are there, what colour wallpaper? Modern or traditional? Give the readers a few details to chew on.

Also, don't forget taste, touch and smell. What does the blood taste like? How does the air smell? Do the exhaust fumes from the bike make her gag? Or does she like that smell? What does the door feel like - wood, metal, plastic? Help your reader visualise this and set the atmosphere.

That can also be done by varying your sentences. Long, descriptive sentences are good in scenes where there's not too much action and you're still introducing the characters and surroundings but don't forget short sentences too, they're perfect for adding a little drama or emphasising a particular point.

I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

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