Young Writers Society - Dazed at Amazement: Chapter two

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This thread was created on July 6, 2008

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•Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 1

•Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 3

Dazed at Amazement: Chapter two

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Curlyqpride
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:06 am Post subject: Dazed at Amazement: Chapter two

Chapter 2: After School ----------------------------------------- Leaving school is like a breath of fresh air. You can actually smell the freedom as the bell rings and you whip out the front doors of the school like there is no tomorrow. Me and Mars sat on our 'chat rocks'. Our 'chat rocks' are these large boulders set beside a shady tree that looks like it is ment to be sat on. Me and Mars carpool and her mom always shows up atleast 10 minutes after school because of work, so we grab our tote-bags and run out the school door to sit on our beloved boulders to talk. I loved the 'chat rocks' and I loved talking to Mars. Mars is from New York which is why she always has trouble pronouncing her "R's", so instead it comes out like a cute "W" , I always have loved her accent and she has never changed it, and I find it funny she can't pronounce her own name, but even she makes fun of herself, but of course, she doesn't ALWAYS not pronounce her "R's" so people have learned to give her a break. I'm am just glad she moved to Seattle and met me, and I also thank the lord for a sunny day, not one full of rain like usual. Mars smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. Somehow I just knew what was going to come out, because she loves to tease me. "Awww, Ted and Gwen sitting in a twee K-I-S-S-" I smacked Mars in the face before she went any further. She laughed and smacked me on the back of the head, "Sowry Gwen, you guys aw just so cute!" She bubbled up like a 8 year old. "Ya, well I'm done thinking about him for awhile. I called my mom and she says I can stay over at your house for dinner" Mars bit her lip, and took a look at the sky. I was then assured something was wrong. "Mars, whats the matter?" I looked up at her as she nervously sighed. "My brother is going to be around today. He usually dwops by his friends house today, but unfortunately, not today" "Mars, I'm fine with that, and I've never heard the word today used so many times in a sentence!" "You don't undastand Gwen, it's so awkward when you come over when he's around, he's only a year younger so we can't talk about..you know who" "Huh? I don't even know if Mark knows who Ted is, and Mars, Ted isn't frickin' Voldemort" I joked. "I don't knooow Gwen, I saw them yestaday talking!", Mars looked serious and this time I took what she said into consideration, but I wasn't giving up on going to her house. Mark is Mars's younger brother but only by a year. He's in 7th grade, and of course, goes to the same school as us. He's awkward and lanky, he is probably about 5'8 and has long flippy blonde hair and a set of unusually light but pretty blue eyes. He did not have an accent like Mars, he spoke very normal from my perspective. From as far as I can tell, Mark seems like a nice guy, he never really has spoken to me, unless it was a question like if I had to go to the bathroom because he was taking a shower and what-not. I feel bad for the guy because he always to me has seemed so insecure. he stays hunched over like he's trying to be shorter, but he is sweet...I couldn't see him being nosy about how I feel for Ted. "Marissa, do you really think Mark is going to wanna get into the details of my personal life? He's not like that" "Hey now, he's my brother not yours Gwen. I know what I'm talking about" I backed down and just stated a suggestion, "well I could always just stay there and watch a movie with you" She smiled, "Okie dokie, get in the car my mom is driving" We got off our rocks and headed to the little cherry red van. I got in and looked out the window gazing at the trees that would pass by, and look at the puffy white clouds. I could never see why Mars would be worried about Mark figuring anything out. ------------------------------------- Sorry the chappy is so short! 3rd one is coming soon!
Last edited by Curlyqpride on Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:55 pm; edited 6 times in total

shelbell
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:49 am Post subject:

I like it so far. While the plot seems to be your typical run of the mill teen love story so far, I'm still interested in seeing where it goes. Your dialoge seems real and fresh, like an 8th grader would actually talk like that. So nice job on that.
But, there are a few things.

One, you need some sort of puntuation at the end of quotes.
If the "she said is before the quote, use the normal puntuation you would use inside the quote (I think it goes inside, if someone else says different use that). Like here...

Quote:

"You don't understand Gwen, it's so awkward when you come over when he's around, he's only a year younger so we can't talk about..you know who"

But if the "she said" goes after and the puntuation in the quote is a period, place a comma before the close quote. Needed here...

Quote:

"Huh? I don't even know if Mark knows who Ted is, and Mars, Ted isn't frickin' Voldemort" I joked.

A few other comma things, but I'm not so good at those either. So I'll let someone else deal with commas in other areas.

A few awkward sections...

Quote:

You can actually smell the freedom as the bell rings and you whip out the doors
of the front of the school like there is no tomorrow.

That part seems awkward to me. Maybe change it to "...the fronts doors of the school..." to make it read easier.
Also the end seems choppy because of the shortness of the lines. Consider maybe adding a little bit more and making it a paragraph to end it.

Cant wait to read more though!

Sam
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject:

Hey, curlyq! Oh, dear, the mildly embarrassing best friend. XD My best friend speaks Chinese, though, and so do most of my friends, so she can make fun of me without my knowledge. -_- Oh, cruel world. Anyway! I could totally relate with your main character in a lot of ways, which makes for a fun read. Just a few quick notes for a quick chapter: - At the beginning, it sounds like you've flopped into second person. Try using "she could" instead of "you could", and it will make this less confusing. - Keep track of the people and things surrounding your characters--otherwise, it just feels like they're heads bobbing around in front of a green screen. What are the kids doing as they get out of school? What's the weather like? Do they have to cross a street? All of that good stuff will draw us further into their world, without having to rely entirely on the dialogue. - When you get further along in this story, remember that it's still middle school. Everyone's really clumsy and awkward, and characters who don't take themselves completely seriously are what can make or break a piece. Characters who are kind of goofy are a lot more fun to read about than characters who pretend as though they're twenty years old. __ Yay! More Dazed. You know where to find me if you have any questions. ^_^
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Stella Thomas
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:22 pm Post subject: Re: Dazed at Amazement: Chapter two

I didn't know you had continued! Woohoo! The fact that I'm actually bothering to read on shows that I like it.

Okay, so I explained about the punctuation in my last review, so would you mind me skipping out on it this time?

Quote:

but of course, she doesn't ALWAYS not pronounce her "R's" so people have learned to give her a break.

Put it in italics or bold, not caps. Caps burn.

Quote:

She bubbled up like a 8 year old

eight, not 8.

Quote:

awhile.

a while.

Quote:

"Huh? I don't even know if Mark knows who Ted is, and Mars, Ted isn't frickin' Voldemort" I joked.

I've actually said almost exactly the same thing, lol. Woo for us Potterheads who think of one thing at the words "You Know Who!"

Quote:

he spoke very normal from my perspective.

normally. Adverbs describe verbs.

II. PUNCTUATION

Again, all speeches have to end with it.

III. FIGHT THE CLICHÉ

You were doing well... up until the thing about Mark. Okay, he can like Gwen, but make her suspect it! I'm here thinking Gwen is like, me in a story, and I know I'd suspect something if my best friend acted like that!

IV. OVERALL

I still feel like Gwen. You need to work on your technicalities. Apart from that, I like it. I liked the insight into Marissa's life especially, because it shows that you've thought about the character.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

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This thread was created on July 6, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
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