Young Writers Society

[Holly_Sock] 11:49 pm: …

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Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:13 am Post subject:

Holly may be 15, but I still don't see how her character overlooks the lunch fact. She seems to think it's weird and then she just changes the topic. Maybe you could change the wording around a little to make it sound more realistic.

2)

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:33 am Post subject:

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Some say the world will end in {FIRE}/Some say in {ICE}/From what I’ve tasted of desire/I hold with those who favor {FIRE}/But if it had to perish twice/I think I know enough of hate/To know that for destruction {ICE}/Is also great/And would suffice

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:08 am Post subject:

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Horus -- pretty cool.

NaNoWriMo account. · Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:09 am Post subject:

Everything is quiet, but she can hear the students? Maybe just slip in a except for the students at school or something after "quiet". That should fix the problem.

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:31 am Post subject:

I don't know why, but that last sentence doesn't sound quite right. Maybe something a bit less formal, like, "Many people come in here?"

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:38 am Post subject:

Come on we already know her name and you make it clear there is only the guy and her there. Telling us on and on it's her is irritating.

Like instead of beginning Holly could hear students...

She could hear students...

Plus it gets rid of repetition of Holly and Holly. Or even get rid of it, it adds nothing to the overall atmosphere.

The first line he speaks is so cliché, come on 'Hello, my beauty' he's a romantic yes, but it sounds so overused.

Plus you could drag this on, she notices he has the knife too quickly, it's just like you put all the best writing into chatroom (which is ironic) and then rushed the murder.

How about making him late? And just as she's about to leave he comes, and no smart person like him would have his weapon showing. To add a knife seems amateur he a paedophile so he's going to want the intimacy, snapping the neck is more realistic for character.

Expand on the murder, add to the atmosphere and suspense, grip us thrill us, don't get murder over and done with, like that. It's weak as it stands.

Overall: There is a lot wrong after chatroom, others have pointed out problems before the story, so leave it at that. Expand further and never rush a murder, you want to horrify people.

Last thing, give the killer more originality in speech. Hope this all helps.

Good luck
VSN

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject:

Great imagery.

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject:

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I feel the dire need to go buy tootsie rolls right now, and I can't really explain why.

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject:

1. Will be announced in next couple parts, because that's part of the mystery. 2. I can't take out 'Before the Murder'. I have to have it for the contest.

And thanks! I'll be going around and editing a bunch.

Holly -

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:58 pm Post subject:

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"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
~Anonymous

Nulla dies sine linea. --Not a day without a line

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:55 pm Post subject:

It's no longer chatspeak, so why the 'hunny'? The proper word, 'honey', sounds just the same. ??

L

Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:14 am Post subject:

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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me

Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:50 pm Post subject:

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-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth

Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:42 am Post subject:

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