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by writeholic in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 7, 2008
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A Flower of Hope: Prologue

A Flower of Hope: Chapter 1 (fix)

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Abocreature   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 5:41 am    Post subject: A Flower of Hope: Chapter 1 (fix) Reply with quote

Here’s chapter 1, enjoy! ^^

------------------------------------

Lilly:

Lilly slipped on a T-shirt and jeans and brushed her long, black hair. She walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a piece of toast, quietly pondering what it would be like to actually have Sam kiss her, the excitement beginning to grow inside of her. She sat down at the table next to her mom. Her once eerie silence after her father's death no longer a distraction.

Lilly finished eating and threw her trash away, her face remaining a neutral emotion as she tried to hide her hopefulness from the quick judgment of her mom. She walked over to a nice, brown, leather chair. She placed both of her knees on it and looked over it, staring out the window, her arms supporting her pale-colored chin. She did this often when she pondered something, it helped relax her somehow. She lived in a quiet and, well, rather empty, neighborhood, so not much happened there.

The boy:

The boy continued to walk through the quiet streets, having no clue where to go or what to do. He looked around as he walked, observing nature and it’s beauty, and brushing his brown bangs that hung over his eyes, only to have them fall back into place. Birds were flying around, and the sun was about midway between noon and sunrise, causing the light to shine on him through the trees. It was beautiful and magnificent, like something out of a fairy tale about a wondrous land, far, far away.

But, one thought always passed through his head; who am I? He asked himself for the countless time. This thought clouded his vision from the beauty of nature, and he just looked ahead toward the mysterious distance. Eventually, his head turned to the right, spying a girl in the window.

Both:

Lilly spied a boy on the sidewalk. She was stunned; no one lived here except for them. Excited, she quickly ran outside and greeted him. “Hello there, I’m Lilly.” She said, sticking out her hand, excitement of finding someone to talk to clouding the warnings of possible danger shooting through her head.

The boy was stunned as well, he didn’t expect to be greeted by such an energetic and, well, attractive girl. He shook her hand happily, when the thought flashed through his mind again.

“What’s your name?” she asked, curiosity in her sky blue eyes.

The boy froze, What is my name? What is my name? He asked himself, worried.

“Well?” She said, pushing him to tell her.

He stuttered for a moment before saying, “I, uh… well, I don’t really know…” His hand dropped to his side, disappointment in his eyes as he gazed toward the ground.

“Don’t know? Do you have amnesia or something?” She asked, this time more seriously, but still partly joking.

“I’m not sure… do I?” He asked, as much disappointment in his voice as in his gaze.

She felt a strange connection to the boy, like he was just as confused as her. She turned around and looked up at the tree in her backyard, eyeing the tree house her dad had helped her build. Her mom would never check in there again, in fear of breaking down. She turned back around at him and said “Well, you’re welcome to stay in the tree house if you have no where to go.” A smile grew on her face as she anticipated the answer.

The boy looked up at her, shocked. “Do you really mean it?” He asked, excitement returning to his voice and his vision.

“Sure” She said, happy she could make a friend “But you can’t let my mom see you, she wouldn’t let a boy stay with us for anything. It just reminds her of what happened…” She trailed off, lost in the memories of her father.

“You ok?” The boy asked, now worried for Lilly’s safety since she so selflessly let him live with her.

She returned to gaze at him, memories fading, and said “Yea, it’s just kinda sad, what happened to my father…” She trailed off again, the memories returning.

As soon as she said the words, ‘what happened to my father,’ images flashed through the boy’s head. He held his head, trying to stop it from busting. He fell to the ground, holding his head and closing his eyes, trying to block out these sudden images from flashing through his mind. Suddenly, his head cleared, and he fell unconscious.

When the boy fell, Lilly quickly and worriedly bent down and picked him up. She didn't want to lose her only chance of making a friend, so she would help him through whatever was happening. She began dragging him over to the tree house, and set him down behind the tree where, even if her mom had stepped outside, she wouldn’t see him. She walked back inside, pretending that nothing happened and saying nothing to her mom. She grabbed a cloth and dampened it in the sink, making it nice and cool. She walked back outside to the boy, placing the cloth on his head as he lie on the grass at the base of the tree. She sat there and waited for him to awake, wondering what could have happened. A thought then entered her mind, 'What if he forgets me when he wakes up? What if this will happen all the time?' worry came into her gaze on the boy as he laid there, unconscious.

----------------------------------

Sorry if the ending is incredibly cheesy, I don’t think I’m very good at this.


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Last edited by Abocreature on Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:04 pm; edited 3 times in total
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chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't read much Romance, but I liked your title and decided to have a look.

As for your overall story, I think you've introduced everything a bit too fast. You need to slow down and introduce us the the characters a bit more. The boy is very intriguing, but I'd like to see more of him by himself before you introduce him to Lilly.

I also noticed a great lack of description. You told us everything that happened and you said it in a very neutral voice. Make it a bit more interesting, actually let us see what's going on rather than you just telling us.

Now, I also noticed some mistakes in your writing.

Quote:
“What’s your name?” She asked, curiosity in her sky blue eyes.


It should be, she asked. I do this with all of your dialogue, and it's very annoying having this big capital for she or he. If you fix that up, it's be better.

I'm interested in this piece, and if you post more please let me know so that I can take a look at it.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, these are the kind of reviews I enjoy because it helps me improve. I'll try to work on my neutral voice and dialogue thing. ^^

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's interesting. The overall story left me wonderingg what happened to the girl's father/ family and everything about the boy. I liked it. I can't wait to read more.
But you could work on some aspects.

Like chocoholic said, you tell a lot. You need to show us instead. Like here...
Quote:
Lilly slipped on a T-shirt and jeans and brushed her long, black hair. She walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a piece of toast, quietly pondering what it would be like to actually have Sam kiss her. She sat down at the table next to her mom, who hardly said anything after her father had died.

In this part, as well as others, you are telling us what happens (like a play by play of a sports game) rather than showing us. While this can be hard (as I struggle with it also), it has to do with the voice of the piece.

While you describe Lilly slightly, there is no description of the boy. A way to incorporate that would be when they meet, like you did here...
Quote:
“What’s your name?” She asked, curiosity in her sky blue eyes.

(I like that part by the way... Very Happy )

Good start. I can't wait to read more.
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

so, i take it, the boy lost his memories somehow and the girl, Lily is going to care for him until his memory return. is that right?

it's seems interesting. i like it.

I am not good crit, so i can't help you there, but i do like the feeling that your story is giving off.

good luck on the second chapter.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it.
Quote:
“Yea, it’s just kinda sad, what happened to my father…”

this moves alittle to fast to me. Save important stuff like that for latter on in the story.
Quote:
She sat there and waited for him to awake, wondering if he was ok.

I don't like the wording in this sentense.
Quote:
“What’s your name?” She asked, curiosity in her sky blue eyes.

I love how you discribe her eyes.
All in all, I like it. You don't have to fix what I don't like, but it would make it better.
Thanks for the reading. Good luck!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you all for the critiques, I'll go through and see what I can fix. ^^

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hate to be the one to burst someone's bubble but personally, it was a bit cheesy and cliche.

But it doesn't mean that the story wasn't good or anything; in fact, it might just be a romantic novel that's supposed to be a little on the cheesy side.

I kinda like how it's a little cliche.

All romance novels have a cliche and cheesy part or two in them.

And personally, I thought that this one was kinda cute.

Umm, there really isn't much else to say I guess.

You did a good job on this and I hope that It'll be continued. I hate it when people don't continue a great novel.

Really liked it! Well, bye! 0(o.o)0

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, summergrl. That sure gives me confidence ^^.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right Very Happy Yes, I must agree that the ending was cheesy, but sometimes that’s what makes Romantic Fiction so lovable.

But anyway, I do have a few things to comment on. I didn’t find any individual errors, which is good Wink

Now, the first I will mention is your dialogue. Now, when you write dialogue, it goes something like this:

”Jan, please don’t leave! Jan, you mean everything to me…everything…” a sobbing man cried out, clutching an attractive woman’s ankles as she teetered on her tall heels.

“Doug, don’t do this. Not here,” she murmured, embarrassed by her now ex-boyfriends sobs.


And so on…

When you finish with the sentences in quotations ( “ “ ) you need to remember to end it with a comma if the tag is an addition to the dialogue. For example:

”sentence sentence sentene,” he blah blah blah.

So that’s how you have to do your dialogue, following this guidelines. Also, if you ever end dialogue without a name, like Jan or Doug, and you use “he, she, a, us” anything like that, you need to have it in lowercase, no capitalization.

I hope this makes sense because I have never been very good at explain these things. If you ever have any questions about this, look at other people’s work and you’ll catch on. (believe me, I just learned this only a few months ago, so I’m still new at it too Wink )

Back to your story, the main thing that I saw was how quick things moved. I’m pretty sure that no normal girl, even the most confident, would jump outside and introduce herself to a random strange. She has no idea if he is some psychopath, you know? So I think she should think that decision through more thoroughly than she does.

Another thing would be the boy. He is so…oblivious to everything. If that was me and I had NO idea who I was, I would probably be nearing hysteria at that time. But he doesn’t seem worried about anything, just strolling around and gazing at the scenery. So, I think you need to make that a more serious dilemma for him.

And the ending, where he fell unconscious at her feet and she just casually walked inside, I was like WHAT?? If some boy became unconscious in front to me, I would freak, scared to death that he was like dying or something. This brings about the roll of emotions in a story and how each character needs his/her own unique personality. I like Lily. She is the enthusiastic teenager peppy happy type. But the beginning just caught me guard. Also, when she asked the boy if he had like a problem or something, I got kind of angry. It was like she was accusing him of being mentally handicapped or something and that’s not cool at all. But I don’t think that’s what she meant so I suggest rewording that part.

Other than that (and I’m sorry if I sounded harsh at all during this whole review), I enjoyed this. The ending made me want more!

I’ll keep my eyes peeled for more!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a bunch, ashleylee, that actually helped a lot. ^^

Ok, so I edited to story according to the reviews an critiques I got, I hope it's better. ^^

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, but I don't really think it makes sense...If some strange guy walked by my house and said he didn't remember his name I wouldn't exactly say, "Hey why don't you live in my treehouse for a while." Its a really nice story, and I like it a lot, but it doesn't exactly make sense, but I still like it. You did a good job, just be a bit more descriptive alright!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found this chapter weird to understand because it went back and forth between Lilly, the boy, and both of them. But it was good and learning what each character thought was really imaginative.
Yet why do I somehow think that this boy is Sam? I don't know. I guess I'll have to read more.
How did her father die? It must of been tragic for her to remember him. And no I don't think your ending is cheesy. I like it and you ARE good at writing this. Really great first chapter!
-Merry
~off to read some more...by you!~
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