Topic ID: 29647
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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I suppose I should apologize for using the word 'prick' on here too though...I honestly don't know what counts as bad language on this site.
misinterpretation happens all the time. No worries. |
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Sorsha2
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 23
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 95
Reviews: 33
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, here is an attachment of what I've reviewed so far.
I've leaned more towards rewriting a few passages, scentences that I thought didn't flow very well or make a whole lot of sense. All of that is in red.
Any comments I made are in blue.
Here is a general breakdown of what I think thus far:
believability:
I don't find the story or its perameters viable. Her excuses for running away are...weak. Her reasons for following Jason...weak and her reasons for not trusting/arguing with him...weak.
Character development
I don't really see/picture Jess. I can't tell what she looks like aside from her age. Is she blonde? Brunette? Red head? Is she tall and skinny? Short and dumpy? Does she have braces? Freckles? Even Jason is hard to picture as well.
scenary
I don't really get a feel for the city Semverton - I would probably pick a place that is more well known or try to envision a place ... like New York for instances, and loosely base your surroundings on what we know of New York. Ie: what are the sounds, sights, smells? Since your story is in first person - description is all the more important because we only see things through her eyes so you need to really paint a clear picture which is hard to do.
story - content and flow
Ok. I have to be honest with you - I don't see the plot for this story as of yet and as a reader I am lost. They have this run on argument and keep circling around the same issues. Also, Jess is lost in her thoughts for waaaay too long in the intro to the point where it was hard to keep reading onward. Really try to iron out what it is you want to say and try to avoid unnecessary repititon of the same points over and over again.
She needs a stronger reason to run away from home, something to make her feel like she has no choice but to leave and escape from her family. Maybe her stepfather is abusive/ physcially or sexually and she can't take it anymore? Or he's just a plain jerk and making her life holy hell (but it would have to be extreme - think like the movie 'Mommy Dearest' or something - but it has to be explosive. As I said before what's outlined in the story is weak and doesn't seem practical or realistic to me.
Second, the way she meets Jason is random - yes, but unrealistic as well. Maybe she is starving and he catches her stealing but instead of turning her in, after she breaks down and tells him her story, he decides to help her out instead. Scared and unsure she reluctantly trusts him. Maybe spurned on to do so because the enraged shop keeper is chasing her down...
Third, I made a note of this in the attachment - but a tree house? Not pracitcal at all. I like the idea of the abandoned house. I would stick with that. But even then, there's a question of monetary upkeep. All kinds of taxes and bills that would need to be paid. It would have to be a real dump (broken, leaky roof, no heating aside from a weathered fireplace, rotting floorboards, etc).
I think its taking too long to get to the point though and the drama. Also, the title - up to this point - makes noooooo sense whatsoever and doesn't seem to fit with the story. its a good title, but I would probably save it for a more intense/darker piece. Unless this guy is going to turn into a vampire and go on a killing spree I would think of something else for this story.
The good things I have to say is this: I can tell you love to write - it shows in your work. I can tell that you see everything so clearly in your mind and the characters are near and dear to you so I want to do whatever I can to see this story come to life for the reader as well. This piece has sooooo much potential and I want to see it achieve the quality I know it is possible to attain. You have skill as a writer and for the most part you're very good. I hope you don't take my criticism too harsh because I don't intend for it to be mean - I want to help because I can see talent in you.
Keep it up and I will post the rest of the review soon.  |
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XxxDo
Oh, life..
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 385
Reviews: 88
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
424 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for the review !!
I'm currently editing The Darkness Within, so your review is perfectly timed !! 
I understand that some things make no sense, such as the title. In the context you've seen so far, it doesn't seem very logical, but this is only a fragment of a very long story, which revolves around the "darkness" in people. Later on in the story you discover that her stepfather beat her, her mom, and her siblings, and that's why she ran, though I hadn't realized I'd left her motives so unclear in the beginning of the story! Thanks for pointing it out
I very much appreciate your review, and am taking everything you said into consideration during the editing process.
XxxDo |
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niccy_v
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 192
Reviews: 68
Country: Where the horses are
966 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:17 am Post subject: |
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Well It's a great story, that's for sure. It does get a little boring here and there but that's fine, most stories are. Her reasons for not trusting Jason are not that believable, and you need to put more description into the scenery. You brush on it but it needs more work that's certain.
Like said above, i can't picture Jason or Jess very well. As a writer you need to have your characters firm in the readers head from the start so we can relate to them more. This mere error can make the story twice as brilliant.
Double space, first of all. Your structure is great but you should spend less time adding in fancy words and making it flow a little better. In parts i found that you put in such big words (impressive i must say) but i didn't know the meaning of a few... and writing a story filled with big words isn't neccesarily better than one filled with simpler words but a larger audience can read.
It is R so i have taken that into account but still, although i do commend you on your vocab, some bits can be cut down to a lower level.
For some reason my computer is making my edited version unavailble so i'll have to upload it later. Well done, the general idea got through right away, and i commend you on your ability to throw together such a wonderful piece of writing.
I'm not the type of person to delete things you write and rewrite them to see if you like it better, because it's time consuming and usually i can't come up with much better 
Is there another few chapters? Hope so  |
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XxxDo
Oh, life..
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 385
Reviews: 88
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
424 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much, all of you, for the reviews!!! You guys are amazing.
In case you might be interested, I-ll be posting more of this story very soon !! Well, as soon as I get the 500 points I need to post in Advanced Critiques haha! I will be reviewing a lot I guess
So, yeah. Just so you guys know
And, NiccyV, zes there are more chapters, plenty of them. Currently working on the editing of chapter sixteen
>.>
<.<
XxxDo |
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