Topic ID: 32146
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Evolmega
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:45 am Post subject: My -Unknown- Friend? |
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Well, I Was thinking about this idea for the whole day, and it came to night in which i finally wrote something. It was a 2-3 minute thing acctually, but i'm exploring new styles of poetry, to see what fits me i guess. I'd appreciate you tell me if, this is good as it is, Or if you think its better if I make it longer, with more imagery, description and feeling. Thank you ! 
When I wake up in the morning
You’re right beside me,
You awake when I awake
You leave utter silence when I speak.
When I move, out of my housing
You walk beside me.
When I stare at the shining sun
You look down to the floor.
Whenever I look beside me
You’re always there
But never do you
Give me back a stare. |
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Galatea
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
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When I wake up in the morning
You’re right beside me,
You awake when I awake (Interesting choice here. I don't like it, heh. You might try "You're awake when I'm awake", it will feel less stilted.)
You leave utter silence when I speak. ('Utter' seems out of place. With the simplicity you seem to be reaching for with this piece, I would get rid of it completely.)
When I move, out of my housing (House or home. 'Housing' is a strange choice.)
You walk beside me.
When I stare at the shining sun (Again, with the simplicity of the piece, I would axe 'shining'.)
You look down to the floor.
Whenever I look beside me
You’re always there
But never do you
Give me back a stare. (This ending couplet needs work. The rhythm is very strange. It needs more syllables...or no rhyme.)
All in all, needs work, but its a good start! I look foreward to a second draft! |
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kris
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: Re: My -Unknown- Friend? |
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OK firstly! I can see that you are new, so welcome 
Secondly: The poem over all was pretty good. It had a definite, confident rhythm - which only broke once or twice but I'm not really bothered by that. The sentiment was clear enough
Thirdly: LETS DO THIS THANG! 
| Evolmega wrote: |
When I wake up in the morning(in dusk's peak? just to rhyme with speak.
You’re right beside me,
You awake when I awake
You leave utter silence when I speak.
When I move, out of my housing same with housing and floor. find a rhyme.
You walk beside me.
When I stare at the shining sun shining is gilding the lily
You look down to the floor.
Whenever I look beside me
You’re always there
But never do you
Give me back a stare. |
Okk - these are some of the major things that i think will help. I just need to pop off so I'm pushed for time :S sorry.
Please stick with it and take on everything, that is advised by people .
Good luck.!
Kris
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject: |
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This seems very apathetic. By the end, there should be some kind of emotional conclusion about why it's important that the second person won't look back at the first person but after reading the poem, I don't know why they're interacting like that. Why does it matter that they leave the house together? Why does it matter that they look in different directions? Are these people supposed to be married? Are they mad at each other? What is the situation? After reading, I'm only left with the general question "why?" Galatea is right on with the word choice, but there's still some work to do as far as tying the whole thing together and putting a nice bow on top ^_^
Happy writing! |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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suprisingly good to tell the truth. Puts a good image in my head. I see a townhouse with a simple dressed couple and a feeling of love empty.
I'm a sucker for short poems if they're done right. and in this you have the reader going in one direction only to suprise them that what they thought the words might be coming to was everything but. |
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