Topic ID: 32666
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OverEasy
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 Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:23 am Post subject: Boxes |
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My first post in ages.
I am packing,
boxes clutter what
was once my home.
She stands in the
doorway, tears
in her eyes.
I think of the
night before, the
vomit covered floor.
I remember back
to the constant bickering
the uttered words of hate.
A drunken glaze
she carries with her
her excuse for everything.
She doesn’t understand
I wish I could explain
instead I haul the last
box from my once home.
A soft kiss placed on her
cheek, and I’m gone.
Whispering one last
“Good-bye mommy.” |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
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Hi Tale!
All righty, I like this; I think it is sweet but nostalgic and it definitely reaches the audience though emotions. I have a small issue with your line breaks, mainly because it affects the flow, and you could have an awesome flow with some re-arranging but I like the movement of the poem itself.
I am packing,
boxes clutter what was once my home.
She stands in the doorway,
Tears in her eyes.
I think of the night before,
the vomit covered floor.
I remember back; < Added the semi-colon (This needs some sort of punctuation, feel free to chose on your own.  )
the constant bickering, < Removed “to” added a comma
the uttered words of hate.
A drunken glaze she carries < Deleted “with her”
- her excuse for everything. < added a dash.
She doesn’t understand, < added a comma
I wish I could explain, < added a comma
instead I haul the last box
from my once home.
A soft kiss placed on her cheek. < added full stop
Whispering one last
“Good-bye mommy.”
I’m gone. < removed “and”
You can see all my changes, I hope. Nothing drastic at all, I really rather like this, Tale! Nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:08 am Post subject: Re: Boxes |
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I'm going to kind of change it according to my opinions and stuff. Then I'll bestow on the praise after. 
| OverEasy wrote: |
I am packing.
Boxes clutter what
was once my home.
She stands in the doorway,
tears in her eyes.
I think of the night before,
the vomit covered floor.
I remember back to the constant bickering,
the uttered words of hate.
A drunken glaze
she carries with her, (this is phrased a bit awkwardly)
her excuse for everything.
She doesn’t understand.
I wish I could explain,
instead I haul the last box from my once past home.
A soft kiss placed on her cheek, and I’m gone.
Whispering one last time (You don't have to add that, but it seems to make more sense)
“Good-bye mommy.” |
Praise:
Okay, so this was one of the most moving poems I've ever read. I was almost crying when I finished. Almost. I liked the simplicity of the descriptions, the condecensing language. I'm also glad that you didn't try to elaborate too much, because then it would have been soap-opera poetry.  Very good! Worth a star! |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I really have no critism to give you. This seemed just right to me, very moving and touching. Your language was great, your grammar and punctuation are fine (and any problems I saw have been talked about already). The simplicity of it was what made it so good, I think. There was no rambling on about the angst and pain, just the simple facts that spoke for themselves.
Really I just wanted to leave a message saying I read it and I liked it, and I gave it a star. |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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Didn't find it hugely moving, but honest. Guess you're not on good terms with your mother. The kiss was a mature decision granted we as the reader don't know what you may have said the night before.
I liked how honest it was until "mommy" was mentioned instead of Mother or just plain mom.
You show a lot of maturity with the kiss to a drunk, but what 18 year old calls their mother "mommy" when they had a fight the night before and she was drunk?
But then again, maybe you do actually call her that in which case I'm in the wrong. |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: |
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I was going to do this last night, but then my internet crashed. *cries* I'm feeling kinda bad right now, but I'm gonna crit like I said I would! *asks forgiveness*
Grammar and First Impressions
| Quote: |
I am packing, [semi instead]
boxes clutter what
was once my home.
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Commas don't separate sentences, even in poetry. I also think was is an odd word to start a line with [the third line]. You could do Penguin's idea with joining the two lines, or maybe this:
I am packing;
boxes clutter
what was once
my home.
It's up to you, but it was an odd place to break the sentence. ^^
| Quote: |
She stands in the
doorway, tears
in her eyes. |
I like Penguin's idea here. I just don't like the comma in the middle of line two. If it could be at the end of a line, I'd be good. Though, of course, it's up to you.
She stands in
the doorway,
tears in her eyes.
I'd go with Penguin on this one, though.
| Quote: |
I think of the
night before, [dash instead] the
vomit covered vomit-covered floor. |
Vomit-covered is treated as one adjective, so it should be joined as one. 
| Quote: |
I remember back
to the constant bickering [dash instead]
the uttered words of hate. |
Take out back to 'cause remember already does the job. Remember tells the reader that you're basically going down memory lane. Back to just drags the line.
Maybe redo the lines like so? The breaks were a little awkward again :
I remember the
constant bickering--
the uttered words of
hate.
| Quote: |
A drunken glaze
she carries with her dash instead]
her excuse for everything. |
Was there a reason for the weird sentence structure? Why not just She carries a drunken glaze? I don't think the way you have it does much to the line.
I think the last line could be broken too.
She carries
a drunken glaze--
her excuse for
everything.
| Quote: |
She doesn’t understand;
I wish I could explain.
instead, I haul the last
box from my once home. |
The last line is worded weirdly. I think it would be neat if you repeated what was once my home. It would be a nice tie-back to the beginning of the poem.
She doesn't understand;
I wish I could explain.
Instead, I haul
the last box
from what was
once my home.
Well, the line breaks are up to you. xD I don't think I did an awesome job here, but I do believe in the tie-back.
| Quote: |
A soft kiss is placed on her
cheek, and I’m gone.
Whispering one last
“Good-bye, mommy Mommy.” |
Did you whisper the quote after you left? That didn't make much sense, but a little rearranging could fix that in a jiffy.
A soft kiss is placed on
her cheek.
I whisper my last
"Good-bye, Mommy," and
I'm gone.
Overall
I liked the ending! I'll admit: I thought the poem was about a husband moving out of his wife's house [or bf and gf]. It was a great ending. The entire poem was very sweet, and the reader could relate to the narrator. A little change here and there should make it a gem.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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