Topic ID: 32210
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enjeru
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 22 Oct 2007
Posts: 110
Reviews: 40
Country: a place...in another place...which is also in another place, too!! >.>
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:44 pm Post subject: Depth |
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Weep, my beloved,
for I am no more.
My fate has been cornered;
I’m about to let go
of this sweet life I lived,
and my soul is no more.
I’ll return to the darkness
that hath borne me before.
Before morning can come
it will be too late—
my will hath succumbed,
it does no good to wait.
My soul is as black now
as the night that hath borne me.
You cringe as you think now
of what I am becoming.
I will suffer alone,
but make no mistake:
this dark will not still me—
revenge I must take.
In silence I plot now
the depth of your grave.
And then—just like me—
In darkness you’ll stay.
(It’s the price you must pay.) |
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"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."
-Aldo Leopold |
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kris
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 216
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
182 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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what i like particularly was your correct use of arcane lexis  and spelling "bourne", - swish.
Depth indeed, for your poem's namesake is correct! very deep indeed.
All i would say that you need to work on, is your thought patter. I didn't follow it very easily...it might be because i have been reading all day and I'm cross eyed ><
anyway!
well done
x
kris |
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rebecca_anne_mcfarlane
Novice
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Age: 20
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Enjeru, I really enjoyed your piece. Great use of words. I can see why you're a senior writer, but towards the end I became a little confused about what was happening. Also, the line "it does no good to wait." seemed a little long in that stanza. You might want to shorten that up a bit. Other than that I didn't see much wrong with it. It was really good and the words pulled me into the emotions this person was feeling. Awesome job! |
_________________
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths. "
Proverbs 3, 5-6 |
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Vow_Of_Slience
Novice
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Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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Good job! I really liked this piece. It might be the darkness in it? Well keep writing! never give up! Just some words in the poem I had to dictionary.com Also i need to find out what those lines mean. But other then that I pretty much understood what it was saying. I trying to figure out how to review well. Sorry if this review isn't that great.
Alberto |
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enjeru
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 22 Oct 2007
Posts: 110
Reviews: 40
Country: a place...in another place...which is also in another place, too!! >.>
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks guys. I really appreciate your words!! ^__^ |
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"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."
-Aldo Leopold |
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lozzen
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 15
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was a really good piece of work, but (and i don't know if you'd meant to do this) in the first stanza you have used the lines
for i' am no more...
and
my soul is no more...
maybe you could subsitute that for a different line because i didn't think it fitted too well, but thats my opinion, you might have wanted to do that. Anyway i thought it was really good and i think i might go and check some of your other stuff. Good job! |
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Fibbles
Novice
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Age: 14
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 4
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, that was great  you had great rhyming, and spelling. a few parts were confusing. but overall, i got the feeling of like death or something... is that what its supposed to be about? someone dying, but theres no way to save them? i dont know, but thats what i got from it. I am horrible at writing poetry, so this poem is AMAZING to me!! yea, i can't think of anything to change. *good job* |
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~fibbles~ |
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Wojovox
Writer
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Age: 21
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 44
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:47 am Post subject: |
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Heartbreak, possibly?
you have rhythmic sense and a lynical way of writing, and the darkness is good.
Darkness within writing seems to be huge outlet for creativity.
BUT
who are you to dig anothers grave? who are you to decide if in darkness or light someone will reside?
No matter what has been done to us as human we are in no way or stance given right to do harm onto others, but we are allowed to watch and laugh as karma takes it's rightful place.
I'm not saying don't do what you wish to do, but understand that what you do do is a priviledge of will and not a right given by God. |
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Nicolette
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 9
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this, especially how it turned morbid toward the end. You're use of old English gives a good sense of time to and beat to the piece as well. I only saw one minor, little problem in this stanza:
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Weep, my beloved,
for I am no more.
My fate has been cornered;
I’m about to let go
of this sweet life I lived,
and my soul is no more.
I’ll return to the darkness
that hath borne me before. |
I think "and my soul is no more" can do without the "and". I think it sort of throws the reader off. But that's something really little. I did enjoy this.  |
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