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The Timekeeper - Prologue
The Timekeeper - Prologue

by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 5, 2008
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Abkhazia, Resolute (2)
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Abkhazia, Resolute (4)

Abkhazia, Resolute [introduction]

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Sam   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:20 am    Post subject: Abkhazia, Resolute [introduction] Reply with quote

The formatting on this is going to look really strange--especially if you're using Chimped Out. If you're

using Chimped Out or just want to see what it would look like on a printed page, I'll add a read-only attachment to the bottom. ^_^

___

(a word from our sponsors)

When we were not whole

were we then peaceful?

___

(genshibakudan)

Hiroshima, 1945

___

twenty seconds ‘til.

she was standing at the sink with the radio on, even though it was broken. it was broken like the chairs and the windows and the mirror and the heater and the sewing machine and the icebox

ten seconds ‘til.

and the automobile engine and the bicycle wheels and the hinges and the front door and the doorbell and the picture frames and the stove and the roof and the chimney and her daughter’s legs.

five seconds ‘til.

it was broken like what lay beneath her breastbone.

it occurred to her that she ought to fix something, but

impact.

then the sky split in two and crumbled into dark winter.

___

(alice in wonderland)

Santee Sioux Reservation, 2004

___

It was a parched summer—so dry that the ground cracked in craters and crevasses, scribbling nonsense between tufts of grass. Alice’s grandmother sat on the sofa licking her split lip and watching the television through static. She couldn’t hear it—she hadn’t heard a sound in forty years—but it was fixation, fixation on something other than want, that she thirsted for.

Alice lay on her back. Her dress clung to her sweaty skin and she shifted until she could feel movement in the air from the fan that sat, propped up, in a corner of the trailer. Outside, the wind blew, and piece of brittle prairie grass split themselves in half and wafted east like arrows in flight.

A match was lit, but neither of them could hear it.

___

(king darius’ children)

Abadan, 1978

___

There is a KNOCK at the DOOR.

MASSOUD: [sobbing] I’m so, so sorry.

BEHNAZ, THE MAID: [kissing his cheeks] What is it, Massoud? Massoud? Don’t cry, Massoud, please--

MASSOUD: The cinema is burnt.

BEHNAZ, THE MAID: What?

MASSOUD: The cinema—it’s gone. The Shah’s men locked the doors and burned it to the ground. Blocked the street with their guns and their knives and--

BEHNAZ, THE MAID: Kian? Parsa?

MASSOUD: Ash and bone.

BEHNAZ, THE MAID: Allah have mercy.

MASSOUD: How will you tell her?

BEHNAZ, THE MAID: I don’t know.

MASSOUD: Allah have mercy.

- FADE OUT

___

(chesapeake)

nowhere, now

The pills were stones in his stomach, hard and round, grinding up whatever substance lay between those pink walls. He had the windows rolled down though it was snowing, and white flakes bit at his fingers as he turned onto country roads, carrying his little car farther and farther from the city.

Where are you going?

To Chesapeake.

It didn’t exist—it had never existed—but that didn’t seem to bother the foot pressed to the pedal. It didn’t matter to the hands frozen around the steering wheel or the windshield wipers that neglected to push the snowdrifts to the side. All he did was drive.

It felt apt.

___

(the promised land)

Jerusalem, 1947

___

They landed as pilgrims eight hundred miles

north of Mecca— not as refugees, but as children

of God. A homecoming...................................................met with bitter words and pistols drawn. ..................................................................................This land was never yours.

The deed was ancient and crumpled in places,

but everyone knew the words. Everyone carried them

on their lips and in their hearts, even when

..............................................................what sat in their ribs was blackened and wicked. .......................................................................................It was an invasion, an invasion of strangers,

...................................................and there was nothing they could do to stem its flow but

to raise arms, and to raise Hell.

___

(catch me if you can)

Mobile, 1933

___

They was shovin’ him around a bit ‘cause he was a nigger who don’t know his place. Gingerbread Man, they called him, on account of how his skin was tainted red what with the blood they brought up with they knives. You cain’t catch me, he said, and go runnin’ down the road as fast as he can.

But it’s always black folks who get strung up, anyhow, and they snapped his neck and strung him up on a tree. Guess he looked a bit like Jesus, hangin’ there with his arms spread wide.

Gingerbread Man, maybe, ‘cept half-ate.

___

(premier[e])

Pyŏngyang, 1994

___

Dear leader, why have you forsaken us?

You have left us with your books—your knowledge, your wisdom—but our children are starving, dear leader. They’ve grown thin and their limbs are weak and cold, except for when fevers wrack their bodies and send them crawling toward the border.

The mountain-swallow who brought us your son has been caged. The enemies threaten from the south, from the ocean, from the Great Satan—and we have no god but you, dear leader. We have always loved you.

Why have you left us?




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Last edited by Sam on Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:47 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zomgoodness! An original Sam production! (don't ask) I can't wait to read this! Ahh! I'm so excited!

*calms down*

DA CRITIQUE:

Quote:
genshibakudan


What the fluff does that mean?

Quote:
she could feel movement in the air from the fan that sat, propped up,


The last part can be like that, or like this for a smoother read, "sat propped up,". It makes sense either way. Very Happy

GENSHIBAKUDAN, OR WHATEVER THIS SECTION IS TITLED:

This was insanely creative, and very risque. I'm not quite sure what risque means right now, but Firefox says it's a word, so let's go for it. I think it's a fancy way of saying 'risky'. With just a little--

Anyway! As I said, it was very creative and very risque. Haha. I think all of the experimental stuff that we read in House of Leaves is rubbing of on you. XD I love experimental pieces such as this. There's really nothing to be done. You give us this wonderful mood of franticism. Yes, that's a word in Jaredland. It means you're feeling frantic, which is what this piece gives us. I loved the countdown, by the way.

ALIZZ IN WONDERLAND:

Quote:
but it was fixation, fixation on something other than no-water, that she thirsted for.


Um... what??!

What the fluff is no-water? Or do you mean no--water? Which in that case, put an extra dashythingermabob, which we all jump for joy with. And even if you did insert that... what? Am I missing the point here, or something, because that doesn't make sense to me.

Quote:
A match was lit, but neither of them could hear it.


That's a really cool line. Yeah.

KING DARIUS' CHILDREN (SCRIPT FORMAT):

Again, very risque. I'm not quite grasping the meaning of this piece, or the entirety of the whole story here. Something bad is going on... perhaps the apocalypses or something? I dunno. I'm rereading everything just so I can make a little more sense out of anything, but nothin's coming to me. I don't really have much to comment on this, other than all of these pieces seem completely unrelated?

SMILE AND SAY CHESAPEAKE!

Sorry with these lame titles. I'm just tryin' to be funny here. I dunno if it's working... I liked this piece for a couple of reasons. 1) It had a sense of hopelessness. The character is grasping onto some kind of a hope that there might be something in Chesapeake, but his subconscious knows that there is no such place. Hm... very though provocative. And again, I see no resemblance to any of the other pieces here.

THE PROMISED LAND:

Now that was a clever title that I just made up on the spot. This poem, I think, has a deeper meaning than the obvious. Although, I like the obvious stated, I feel that you are hiding something from us. Something that we're gonna have to look after and seek. Clever and witty little Sam. Or, then again, I could be missing the whole point here?

CATCH THAT MAN IF YOU CAN!

Heh. I even rhymed! *short burst of excitement* This was a sad and depressing piece. I dunno how to critique it. It's really horrible grammar, but you wanted it to be like that. XD I'm sad that that kind of stuff happened, you know? It's so awful.

PREMIER[E]:

This is a really good letter. We can feel all of these wonderful (and some not so wonderful) emotions in just these couple of paragraphs! We can feel their loss and their struggle... over what, though, I couldn't tell you.

OVERALL:

Extremely good, but I really can't find out the reason why you wrote this. The only question that comes to my mind is what the fluff did I just read about? I don't think this is what you wanted. But then maybe a blonde shouldn't've (hehe. I've never seen an apostrophe...well... apostrophed before!) read this. The writing was wonderful. A bunch of mini stories all dealing with some kind of a horror, or something like that. Sam, you are a wonderful author.

-Jared

P.S. plzritemoretanku

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sam. o_o

This. is. BEAUTIFUL.

Grammar, grammar, grammar... I can't even dare nitpick at your work... the only thing I found:

Quote:
except for when fevers wrack their bodies and sent them crawling toward the border

Unless I'm reading this wrong, "sent" should be "send".

I'm pretty sure I understand what you're doing here. The title still confuses me though. But here's my interpretation: You're spanning time and cultures to show one common theme, and that is death and destruction. No matter the race, no matter the era, this is something that connects all human beings, because it is something we all face. It's part of us being human.

This is what I took from it anyhow. And it's what made me love it to pieces. I could be entirely wrong, but this is what I gathered, and this makes me gush love at you and this... art piece.

I just need clarification on the title, and then I don't even know what else to say about this... it's just amazing/flawless/beautiful/[insert gushing praise word].

I fail as an appropriate critic for your work! Love blinds me.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! That was... wow! I agree with 3B, and original Sam production.

Quote:

[quote=BigBadBear]genshibakudan



What the fluff does that mean? [/quote]

It's Japanese for atomic bomb.

Although I don't really know about any of these events, I really liked this, apart from the utter confusion I felt when I read it. Just wondering, what does Abkhazia mean?

I liked all the weird formatting and how you've written this. I saw one thing that I believe is a mistake:

Quote:
bike spokes


Well I know nothing about bikes except that they're evil and I will never ride one again, but shouldn't it be spikes? Ignore me if it's some biking term that I don't know.

Sorry I can't be of more use, but I really, really like this. Is it a one-off sort of thing? It doesn't really seem like it could be a novel or anything, it's all over the place.

Great job!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wowwwwwwwww. Sammy, thou has outdone thyself. This is superb. I am amazed. Every story is executed so sharply, so uniquely, so delicately, that I could not stop and stare in awe.

Since this is such a unique poem, I must critique it uniquely as Jared has:


A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
This was a very genuinely intriguing, drawing opening thud for the poem. I think that the theme was very elegantly blatant. I also think that if the purpose of this opening was to find a common theme for all of the anecdotes, it only did a half-job, which is the only real exceptional dilemma in this piece (I can't really call it a poem, can I?) I didn't really understand how it related to all the other anecdotes either.

GENSHIBAKUDAN

This was astoundingly simple and wonderful and intricate at the same time, so beautiful and deathly and dark and kalidoscopic. I loved it. The moment I read genshibakudan[/], I thought "What the CENSORED" but the moment I read "[i]Hiroshima 1945" I thought, "Oh, this is going to be interesting and sad." And it was. The countdown was tense and was very beautiful. The "broken" repetition worked outstandingly well. And the last sentence: awful. Not writing awful, just beautifully, terrifyingly awful. An astounding beginning anecdote.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND:

This is very well-done. The descriptions were glorious. I loved how you truly show the Native American setting and lifestyle through the details: the grass, the trailer, the sweatiness. "Santee Sioux Reservation, 2004." Simply beautiful.

Too problems:

Quote:
it was fixation, fixation on something other than want, that she thirsted for.


Okay, I get what you're saying--but what does the the grandmother want? It's an unanswered mystery which I think you should explain a little later in the anecdote.

Quote:
dress clung to her sweaty skin and she shifted until she could feel movement in the air from the fan that sat, propped up, in a corner of the trailer


Gacks. Sentence=way too long. Cut it down a bit. We don't need, really, to know that the fan "sat, propped up, in a corner". I bet there are other ways to say it in shorter form.

KING DARIUS' CHILDREN:

So, the script form was very experimental... but it worked. And it worked fabulously. It felt like real dialogue--the fear and sadness and panic really echoed through the lines. I also researched the thing, and Wikipedia says: "On August 19, 1978-the anniversary of the US backed pro-Shah coup d'état which overthrew the nationalists and popular Iranian prime minister, Dr. Mohammed Mossadegh — the Cinema Rex, a movie theatre in Abadan, Iran, was set ablaze by four Islamic Revolution sympathizers in an attempt to help the cause of Iran's Islamic Revolution. The local Abadan police had taken notice, and became suspicious of Hossein Takbali-zadeh and his accomplices, and had started following the arsonists as they were entering Cinema Rex. The police decided to continue their surveillance and track the group after they left the movie theater. This incident ended up causing the Cinema Rex Fire, where over 350 people perished. At the trial, Hossein Takbali-zadeh stated that his three accomplices by the names of Faraj, Falah, and Yadollah had all burned in the fire." So wow.

CHESAPEAKE

I didn't understand this one as much as the others. I think you could've done more with this, maybe created the man a little bit more 3D. It flowed well, and the descriptions were excellent, and the car driving endlessly though wild fields is a great idea, but somehow it didn't work as well as the others. I suggest you make it longer and add more about why the character is driving, or maybe a little bit more about his quirks, or something about him.

THE PROMISED LAND:

Being Israeli, I basically understood this whole thing. And there are no mistakes here, really, except the "raising Hell" was more 1948 than 1947. This was superbly done. You have a continuous symbol here of blackened, destroyed hearts; I saw it in the Hiroshima anecdote and I also saw it here. This was very interesting to read. I loved the structure.

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

Terrible story. Amazing writing. Your voice was so realistic, I could hear it in my ears. Horrible and sad. This was truly very well-done. I love how different it was from the other stories. In fact, I love how every story is different. So applause.

PREMIER[E]:

Mmm... I'm not so sure about this one. I had to reread it to understand it. It was good writing, a good letter... but I don't know.



---
I LOVE THIS. THIS PIECE was AMAZING. It was all sides of the story. It was really a masterpiece. I think it's more of a poem than prose. I especially loved how each story was its own unique little world with its own distinctive style. It was a beautiful work, Sam. I think you just want some more praise. This demonstrates true talent.

One thing that is really horrible: TITLE. GUUUUUUUUUCK! Abkhazia, Resolute [introduction]? Please change it. Pleeeeease. This work deserves a better title.

Anyway...one of the best things on YWS. I'm still in search for words.

-Gadi

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Before I Read

Hey Sam! Here's the first critique for winning my Side Characters Contest. Honestly, this should be counted as four, since you sent me the new version with the whole thing in it (twenty-one freakin' pages! But it's all right, since I love your writing so much I'd read a thousand pages XD), but I'm amazingly nice and will let it count as one. XD (Plus, if you don't have enough things to get critiques on, you'll be forced to write more!!! XXD)

After I Read

*DIES*

It was freakin' amazing, Sam. I'm not even kidding. Perfect.

The only thing is, I'm still not really sure how it all ties together. Fires? Bombs? But why is this ONE story? Is it of that place you were telling me – abkhazia? Is it just a bunch of stories from there?

It is amazing, but you did just what you said – took all your old story ideas and shoved it into this. So I'm not really sure what to think?

IM me to prod my brain, if you'd like.

Oh, and I'll go *gold star* all four parts.

Sorry 'bout the unhelpfulness.

~JFW1415


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I'm in awe of Sam now. *bows*

I'm not much of one for experimental fiction, but you are bringing me around. It make take time and be a painful process, but you have set me on a road I intend to follow. Interesting avenue.

At first, I will admit that I was totally confused through the whole thing. But after going back and rereading it, its genius is becoming clear. I'm not completely sure on what the overall theme is, though I'm leaning towards anecdotes of violence in the human race.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

This was very haunting. It was so simple, yet extremely profound and I guess one could interpret it however they wanted. I mean, who are the sponsors? Why are they asking this question? *is inspired* You could write an entire story about just those few words. But you captured the essence in those few words. Magnificent.

GENSHIBAKUDAN

At first, the lack of capitalization bothered me. But after reading it at least twice, the lack of a strong capital letters in there lent a sense of fragility to the piece. It had strong imagery, but it was tempered by the delicacy of the way the prose actually looked. It comes across like a very thin piece of glass that is breaking off in a person's hands as they try to cradle it. Yes, it sounds strange, but that was the impression I got from the piece. Very nice.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

This was a really great image piece. The only thing that bothered me was:

Quote:
A match was lit, but neither of them could hear it.


It is a great line, but I'm not sure who the other person could be. The piece is about Alice and Alice is the only person we ever hear mentioned. Then you talk about "neither" as if there are two people. Are you talking about the wind? The pieces of prairie grass? I was just a little confused there. Also,

Quote:
piece of brittle prairie grass split themselves


I think you mean "pieces" as in plural.

KING DARIUS' CHILDREN

Quite lovely. The script format was interesting. We didn't get any of the characters' actions beyond Behnaz kissing Massoud's cheeks, but their fear and desperation is clear in just the words they are speaking.

CHESAPEAKE

Quote:
He had the windows rolled down though it was snowing, and white flakes bit at his fingers as he turned onto country roads, carrying his little car farther and farther from the city.


Kind of an uber long sentence there. Maybe you could cut it into two and it might read a bit better.

"He had the windows rolled down though it was snowing, and white flakes bit at his fingers. He turned onto country roads, carrying his little car farther and farther from the city."

You could spice it up however you want. Or you could leave it as is. It's your story and so far, it's been amazing. Just my two cents there.

THE PROMISED LAND

I can see here what you meant about the formatting being funky, and strangely enough, I am using Chimped Out. So I looked at the downloadable thingy and I just sat in awe at the formatting of this piece. It was just so great. Why must you be so brilliant? *sob*

And it ain't half badly written, neither.

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

This story was so sad and bitter. My only critique would be on how you say his arms were stretched out wide. I'm not an expert on death or hangings by any means, but it seems to me that his arms would hang down because of their limpness. I don't think his arms would stretch out unless a) those that hung him made his arms do that somehow with a branch or something or b) he died that way when they snapped his neck and then he stiffened in rigor mortis with his arms stretched out and then they hung him up. But the former seems unlikely, and the latter would take some time, and I doubt the murderers would take that time.

Otherwise, this piece was haunting as well. Kind of a sickening twist on the fairy tale, which is, I'm sure, what you were going for. Very sad.

PREMIER[E]

The sadness and the struggle in this piece is evident and the loss of the people as they ask why they have been abandoned, but I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I distinctly felt the loneliness and confusion of the child-like people, but I wasn't sure of much else.

OVERALL

I agree with Gadi up there: change the title somehow. That is just so unattractive and doesn't really say much about the piece itself. I don't really have any suggestions for you (I'm having a hard enough time with my own titles and pieces that I know implicitly to tell you how to title your own.) but it just doesn't attract the reader. I only clicked on it by chance in the "Recent Literary Additions" because it was newer and I was going down the list. Do something, because this is worthy of a great deal of attention that your current title isn't really going to bring.

Anyway, really really kick-butt, Sam. A great piece of work. You are one brilliant writer, destined for greatness.

*thumbs up* Keep on writing such wonderfulness.

~GryphonFledgling

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