Topic ID: 32524
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lozzen
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 Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: The reason for Moonlight |
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Woken with a scream
From a powerful dream
looks through the window
but sees not a thing
Is that the reason for moonlight?
Alert and alone
An eerie wind blown
casting long shadows
and creepy figures
Is that the reason for moonlight?
A child at night
Quaking with fright
calmed by the reflection
and the atmosphere
Is that the reason for moonlight?
No eerie wind blown
But a gentle breeze flown
moving through leaves
awashed with silver
Is that the reason for moonlight?
A gentle beam
An elegant gleam
silencing everything
until dawn rises
Is that the reason for moonlight? |
Last edited by lozzen on Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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LilyReagan
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm. I'm not sure about this one. Out of ten, I'd give it a five. Not because it was bad, but because it had no depth. It just seemed like a ditty someone writes when they're not fully conscious, or something....
| Quote: |
Woken with a scream, <All of the verses seem irrelevant to moonlight. How do they
From a powerful dream, relate?
Is that the meaning of moonlight?
A child at night,
Quaking with fright,
Is that the meaning of moonlight?
Alert and alone,
An eerie wind blown,
Is that the meaning of moonlight?
No eerie wind blown,
But a gentle breeze flown,
Is surely the meaning of moonlight
A gentle beam,
a <I'm sure that wasn't supposed to be there, right?
An elegant gleam,
Is surely the meaning of moonlight. |
I'm not sure what the reader is supposed to gain from reading this.... Maybe you could put some more work into it?
For now,
Lily |
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lozzen
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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| yeh after i read your comment i realised that and changed it i hope it is clearer now! (no the a was a mistake) |
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Anonamuse
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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I had a lot of trouble figuring out how your verses related to the moonlight. They don't seem to have any contection what so ever. Not to mention a lack of grammer.
It seems to lack thought, but that doesn't mean it's bad, it just needs more. Mind you that's my opinion. |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: Re: The reason for Moonlight |
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I quite liked the idea of the poem, but I came across a few issues:
| lozzen wrote: |
Alert and alone
An eerie wind blown...
No eerie wind blown
But a gentle breeze flown |
You've repeated the line 'eerie wind blown.' I don't know if this was intentional, but I don't think it worked.
| Quote: |
A gentle beam
An elegant gleam |
i thought this couplet was fairly bland and detracted for the rest of the poem.
Apart from those two issues I thought the poem was rather sweet to read, although I think it might need another final stanza that doesn't end in a question, but ends in a statement 'That's the reason for moonlight.' The resounding statement at the end will add another layer to the poem. Of course, that's just my opinion! |
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jules4848
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:26 am Post subject: |
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I kind of get it. You are trying to lead up to the last part that is the reason for moonlight. It makes sense but maybe the opening part should be What is the reason for moonlight or something like that. It gives the reader a sense of what their reading. Poetry is its own story with rythm.
Good attempt with description but it could use some work. I had to reread parts a few times and it still left me a little dumbstruck.
Thats only my opinion |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly, Lozzen, there are some really great aspects to this poem.  it has the potential to be really good. well done
I have one or two suggestions that i believe may improve thhe poem a little bit.
1) I think that in every verse the 3rd and 4th lines could be made one. this might help the rhythm a bit...
so an example would be...
'Woken with a scream
From a powerful dream
looks through the window, but sees not a thing
Is that the reason for moonlight?
i think that this may make it easier to read. however, i am no expert on poetry so it might not be the best idea to listen to me. lol.
in fact that is the only thing i would pick up on.
i really love the repetitions of the last lines!
great work and i hope i have been of some help xx |
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