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Gahks
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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: Wishing on a Plane |
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Wishing on a Plane
Written on a flight to New York.
I don’t know who are
the couple sitting next to me.
They speak an entirely alien
language – perhaps the
speech of star-crossed lovers.
His face shines radiance,
with eyes that dream of
dappled sun and champagne
in Barbados;
she glows with hair
that embraces her
like a waterfall over silky rock.
Each consumes the other’s lips;
each encloses the other
with secrets shrouded in their souls;
each dares to colour
the other’s heart with tearful confessions.
Meanwhile,
I sit gawping at loops of tired rom-coms,
eating plastic plane food
and dreaming of starry nights
on the Brooklyn Bridge. |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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Overall, I loved this. You had some beautiful images. In fact, I have only one little nitpick. Your first line:
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| I don't know who are/the couple sitting next to me |
The "who are" is awkward. I would just cut it out and make it "I don't know/the couple..." because that flows somewhat better.
Also, the use of the word "gawping" in the last stanza is a bit odd. Perhaps something simpler, like "watching" would fit better?
Aside from that, beautiful job! |
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alleycat13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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I agree with niteowl. Lose the "who are". I think you can leave it out all together.
Your imagery is amazing--->
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His face shines radiance,
with eyes that dream of
dappled sun and champagne
in Barbados;
she glows with hair
that embraces her
like a waterfall over silky rock. |
That's really nice stuff. Whenever you write, do that!
That next section is pretty good. You cover the whole kiss/embrace without too much cliche. I think that you lose a really good opportuntiy though with this part--->
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Meanwhile,
I sit gawping at loops of tired rom-coms,
eating plastic plane food
and dreaming of starry nights
on the Brooklyn Bridge. |
Pacing-wise it's too short/too weak to balance out the other part about the couple. I'd add some length to it. Break it into two sentences and flesh it out. You do a nice job of changing the subject and diction, maybe you could find a way to make the change even more abrupt.
I like it. That's all the commenting I have. |
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Fancyword
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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| I find pretty interesting the way you just "snap" back to reality in the last stanza. The title roughly reveals your surroundings but, as the reader gets immersed into the romantic picture, you remind them of where you started. I think it's a good contrast. |
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Dia-777
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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The imagery you create with your poem is wonderful,
I love the Romantic feeling of the poem.
I like the way you describe the couple also, however your word choice could use a little work.
Overall I like this poem, it seems like something I would write. :} |
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i think i can
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:18 am Post subject: |
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 I did not have a problem with length, I thought it was perfectly proportioned  . But i do have to agree that some words you use stick out:
His face shines radiance, - should be radiant, unless you are saying that he shines in radiance. Which makes no sense 
I sit gawping at loops of tired rom-coms - I found the word "gawping" sticks out here a bit, because when I read it i envisioned your character envious and disheartened to be returning home. Gawping means to stare stupidly or rudely, I think "staring" could work a bit better. But hell it's your poem do what the hell YOU want
Hope these comments were helpful.
Personal view: I found it amazing, except for the small tidbits i mentioned it flowed smoothly, the imagery was impeccable and the style was flawless 
9/10 Good work!
extra 50 points for mentioning BARBADOS!!!  |
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Curlyqpride
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:15 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this poem gave so much scenery throughout the whole poem. I could imagine every bit and I could imagine the two lovers sitting beside eachother.
This sin't your average "roses ar red violets are blue" poem, it's so unique and holds rhymes without having to push them in someones face. I loved it! |
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