lxtmidnight
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 Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: De-Cornification, please? |
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Here's the thing: I have finished my novel (FINALLY), and right now I am editting, but there's this one part that is extremely corny/cheesy...maybe not so much the writting, but the concept (OK, maybe the writting is very cheesy in places -__-) By that I mean the whole part about the storm...Can someone help me de-cornify it please? XD
(Things you should know: This is set in an era were witchcraft is feared, and anything abnormal is classified as such. The main character, Evelle, has been kept from leaving the house all her life.
Except too bad, cause she did anyway, and found out some things, and now she has to confront her mother. This is fantasy, by the way. That's all I can really tell without giving the entire story away...)
oh yeah....the thing I need help, again, is the whole storm thing. That's the reason why Evelle has been kept inside for her life. Is it too weak of a reason? Is it (as I whole-heartedly believe XD) Too corny/cliche? Thank you in advance!
THE ACTUAL STORY BEGINS IN 5, 4, 3, 2.....
After minutes of pacing, Mrs. Carris slowed to a stop in front of her daughter. The tears had all dried away and only her unwavering fury remained.
“What,” she began, voice lethal, low as a snake in the grass, “do you have to say for yourself?”
Hopelessly, Evelle shrank into an armchair, ground like a magnet for her eyes. In truth there was nothing she could say in her defense, except that it was cruel, almost inhumane to keep someone locked behind doors for years on end. But she held her tongue; no good could come from anger this early in the game.
As expected Mrs. Carris did not wait around for an answer. She glowered at Evelle, frustration visible in her eyes, piercing like a dagger. “Were you not with your mind? Why, Evelle? Why did you leave this house when I told you specifically to stay?” Her voice was rising, swiftly approaching a shout. “Why did you go against my only wish? Why do you feel the need to do this to me, time and time again? Why Evelle, why?!”
Something splintered in her voice, shattering the air with shards of rage, shards of sadness, shards of fear…
Fear was such a natural part of Evelle, of her life, of her identity. It was fear that kept from seeing so much, doing so much, throughout her lifetime she had developed a close-knit bond with this side of her emotions. But to see it in someone else----her mother of all people---the only person had ever looked up, the only person depended on…
“I went outside,” said Evelle quietly, almost whispering. “Is that really such a crime?”
“You don’t know the danger---you don’t know what’s out there!” Mrs. Carris burst out, livid.
“Mother, the truth is out there!”
Something flickered in Mrs. Carris’ eye. She whipped around, arm lashing out before Evelle had a chance to see it. She struck her daughter across the face. The sting of it sent Evelle crumbling to the ground.
“Never….in my entire life---how could you disrespect your own mother like this?!”
Evelle reached a trembling hand, feeling her cheek gingerly. This was not her mother, this woman standing above her, long robbed of any control. She stumbled to a stand.
“I don’t belong here.”
Time slid to a screeching halt, waiting for one of the pair to move.
“The….story’s out, then.”
Through her surprise Evelle felt yet another pang of shock. Could it be that her mother…
The twins had inched carefully into the parlor. Evelle, paid them little attention, peering imploringly into her mother’s face. “What are you saying?”
Mrs. Carris backed into a kitchen chair, hands shaking, tripping over her own feet. “It’s…difficult…..you wouldn’t understand….” Thus far she had avoided Evelle’s eyes, but when Mrs. Carris gazed into them, she saw a hunger for the truth, a thirst for reason, and she couldn’t refuse.
“You were just a little girl.”
And the whole story spilled out. “It was nine years ago---your father and I---”
Mrs. Carris pursed her lips painfully, eyelids a dam for her oncoming tears. Evelle had never heard her mother speak a word about her father before.
“We…we were out. It was only for a visit to the town. But something happened. A storm, a terrible storm; it lasted for days afterwards. I’ll never forget it, Evelle. The river----it had swelled up to our door. There was lightening, and rain, and gales.”
The loose ends of the story were blowing wildly in the wind. Evelle sat, listening avidly, wondering how it would all tie together. This mention of her father, of her leaving the house…
Mrs. Carris went on.
“We couldn’t find you---I was never more afraid in my life. The water---it was too thick. We could hardly make out a thing through it all. The lightening was touching the ground, and you were so s-small…”
She no longer tried to block the tears. They glistened down her cheeks, an Evelle felt her own frustration ebb away.
“I remember it well…everything went white. No one could’ve survived something that bug, that powerful, yet it died down. Whole trees were up in flames, and you stood right between them. You were ok.”
She was now crying so baldly, nearly drowning the story in sobs. “We were afraid…so afraid… your father couldn’t handle it---he would not have a…a w-witch for a daughter. He left. I was on my own, so, so young----I didn’t k-know what to do, I----I couldn’t risk anything, Evelle, not anything. If something else were to have happened, if someone were to see you, you’d be taken away from me. You’d be jailed, you’d be killed!”
Careful fingers grazed the stinging marks on Evelle’s face, tracing slowly as if they could erase the pain.
“I’m sorry, Evelle Carris. So sorry….”
Evelle stood, eyes everywhere but the woman who knelt beside her.
She turned, and left.
END OF EXCERPT
*author gags in mouth*
EDIT: I think you might get more help in the fiction forum, so I moved this -- Mod |
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Sam
sister socrates
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, lxtmidnight!
Congrats on finishing the novel! That's definitely the hardest part. XD Editing is a pain, but it's a lot easier than putting fresh words on paper, and can be done when you're tired out of your mind. I'll keep this short, though, because I want the chance to read this novel eventually. ^_~
I think the main thing that is dragging you into Iowa with this piece is the fact that you use language and lines that are ripped from television. Examples?
| Quote: |
| What,” she began, voice lethal, low as a snake in the grass, “do you have to say for yourself?” |
- Usually, a parent doesn't ask what you were doing, especially if it was something stupid. They don't really want to hear why, they just want to make sure you never do it again.
| Quote: |
| Why did you leave this house when I told you specifically to stay?” Her voice was rising, swiftly approaching a shout. “Why did you go against my only wish? Why do you feel the need to do this to me, time and time again? Why Evelle, why?!” |
The "don't leave the house!" thing is a bit clichéd. You can keep it in there if it's important to the plot, but then you need to change around your approach. As I mentioned with the last example, a parent who is freaked out doesn't want an answer, they just want to fuss over the kid because they are glad their child is not dead.
| Quote: |
| “Is that really such a crime?” |
Apparently it is, sweetheart. When characters are upset, they're not very eloquent. Keep the dialogue to the Neanderthal level, or stay quiet and brooding.
| Quote: |
| “You were just a little girl.” |
This is something that you're need to rip up a little because it occurs in every fantasy/disaster story known to mankind. Think of this thing kind of like the infamous Sex Talk. It's something that parents eventually need to explain to their children, but is really awkward and they're not certain how their children will react. Thus, the moment needs to have a little bit of purpose and planning, and not just "spilling". Spilling would imply that the mother has wanted to tell the story all along, which would completely negate all of the secrecy and flitting around that has just taken place.
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Cool excerpt, lxtmidnight! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^_^ |
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