Topic ID: 32354
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Lilith
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Apr 2007
Posts: 222
Reviews: 34
Country: U.S.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:04 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Okay, the title grabbed me but for totally different reasons. (dirty thoughts, dirty dirty thoughts) but I liked it. It was a quick, very interesting piece. Yes the characters may seem a bit flat but they're being conveyed in a very confining time span and for making them as realistic as you did, I must bow to you.
Anyway, it was really good.
Oh and Jared is not that sexy of a name. Okay, maybe to me it isn't. The only Jared I know is terribly dull in the head and landed himself in prison at the age of like, 15. Okay, now I'm rambling. |
_________________
Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Doctor Kitty
WUB
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 03 Aug 2005
Posts: 1203
Reviews: 142
Country: Herndonia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
All the Jareds I know are annoying. Ha, putting that aside:
I enjoyed this piece. I really need to read stuff on YWS more. I'm missing out. I clicked on this because the name is odd, and it's on the featured works. If that makes me a bad person, then...Well. It does.
Anyways, this was funny. I didn't see the characters as flat at all. What I'm wondering is why a girl like Nicole is with this Marcus guy. He's amusingly awkward, especially with his little, "I respect you and everything, really," statement, and contrasts the seemingly reluctant attraction of his "way-out-of-his-league" partner nicely.
I liked the characters. Very opposite, but maybe that's why they're together.
Or not. It's a mystery to me. |
_________________
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
Dr. Seuss |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jstlkuimgnd
Novice
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 4
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
It started out with a lot of potential, the cringing boy and the slightly haughty/reserved and doubtful girl. The dialogue was good, got the job done. But when you're basing a story on the interactions between characters, you really need to develop the chemistry between them. It's really hard, especially with the length of the story, but there needs to be feeling and history between them. The dildo thing is good, but it doesn't do enough. There needs to be a little description, to bring out their characters. For example:
"It was quiet for a minute. Finally, Marcus turned to her."
That was a great point, funny, but if you could describe like, Marcus fidgeting or Nicole staring out a window, coughing, something more to give them life, the story becomes much more vibrant. Again, the dialogue is good, funny, interesting, could use more of it, but it's the descriptions, lack of them, that kind of deflate the story, especially the second part of it. Almost feels like the thing is a skeleton, and you need to put some meat on it. But it's a real solid skeleton. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Speele
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 19
Country: US of A
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
The characters aren't fully developed, but you didn't have much time to do so. I actually think Marcus had a very real personality considering what a short time you had to give us a sense of him.
| Quote: |
| Marcus shuddered and curled up into her arms. “This is going to be wonderful.” |
That line is what did it! I mean how unguy-like is that? He's so innocent and sweet and naive and eager and young! Yay!
The chick just seemed like an asexual butthead. I didn't like her. probably because I like Marcus so much. If you wanted the reader to like her, then rewrite. If not, then you nailed it. No pun intended. Was that a pun? I dunno. Kinda risque, if so. Wow, I'm rambling..
Point is, it wasn't, like, the next Shakespeare sorta thing. But it was real and amusing and alive. And this is all we ask. |
_________________
A writer is someone who writes. Nothing more. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: OMG |
|
|
LOL, this is funny!
along with the dirty concept you think one thing is going to happen and then AHHHH! LOL, nice job! This is comedic and reminds of certain movies ove seen that have the same humor lol. |
_________________
Where there is love, there is life-GHANDI |
|
| Back to top |
|
sofi
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 35
Country: England and also UAE
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
the two pieces of yours which ive read both have a lot of dialogue, and like i said about your other one i dont usually like things which are like that, but for some reason yours just seem to work. you portray enough about who the characters are and the situation through what they are saying, and i dont think you really need to know anymore about that..unless your continuing it.
hmm id like to say something more constructive, but i dont really think theres anything more to say about it just that i really enjoyed reading it.  |
_________________
' I just felt that someone could come along and blow hard and I'd fly away from him...go in the wind and end up next door or on another planet with someone else, anywhere. Just because the wind blew...' |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
