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PerforatedxHearts
known as Serena.
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 Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: I Would Like to Dream |
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I would like to dream forever. Because there’s something so lovely and beautiful about the good dreams, the really good ones where it’s bright and warm and full of what you’ll ever want and need. The real horrid moments are when you do wake up- like a person drowning. To have to reach repeatedly for whatever they can hold on to, except they can’t. Grab, grab, grab, and off it goes. The dreams: gone.
I would like to dream forever, maybe about a beach for the first few ones. Okay, so I’m on that beach, a tropical splendor come to life, like the ones in the movies. My toes are sinking in the gritty soaked sand, the tide coming back every so often like some reassuring chains on my ankle, a temporary grasp that promises to tickle my feet again. It’s strong, I’ll give you that, and at first I resist the pull, the seductive pull with a flash of fear. I'm thinking, I’ll drown, or, it’ll take me and I’ll never come back! Oh, God…
Then, I’ll dream with a smile. A peaceful, happy smile that will never go away for the rest of the eternity of dreaming I’ll do. And, with that smile, I’ll coax my feet into another step, just one more step, yes. I’ll walk out until I cannot see my feet beneath the clearest of the clear, until the beach is far away, until the peoples’ faces are just empty flesh canvases, littered all along the shoreline that I cannot see. It’ll be a wonderful thing, where my dreams take me, and I know that they will never sour or darken. The good dreams, the really good ones.
I would like to dream forever when I’m finally…gone. And then, but just then, perhaps you'll see why I dreamed and never came back.
It's just too beautiful.
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Yes, I know. It's very abstract, born out of the awakening moments when I really did have a dream that I just wanted to stay in forever. It's meant to be this short, because that's all I think I need to express myself on this with. So, enjoy! |
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Last edited by PerforatedxHearts on Sat Jul 05, 2008 12:59 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, but this is a lovely beginning! I think it would be lovely still if it were developed just a little more and you would describe the beach a little more and what is around your surroundings and whatnot. That would be gorgeous.
Also, the ending is a little weak at the moment. The problem is it doesn't seem to be an ending. So fiddle with that... you'll probably come up with something even better!  |
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PerforatedxHearts
known as Serena.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! Thanks, Snoink. I will do that. :]]
GASPPP.
Okay, just noticed your siggie.
Please tell me you really don't like the Aggies...XD |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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It's a good start and actually seems to resonate with somethings that i think about when i wake up! I love to dream, but never thought of waking up as drowning, grasping for the shore. It was an interesting image and I really liked it, but I think you can flesh it out a bit more.
This definitely has potential! It reminds me of one of my poems I wrote, which was actually about one of my dreams! You've inspired me to submit, so I'm going to go do so now! Feel free to check it out hehe! |
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PerforatedxHearts
known as Serena.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks, you two! I love this a lot because it's really pretty [not being narcissic or anything XD] and it also means a lot to me. So, you know, I'm trying to add a little bit at a time, here and there. |
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Insomnia
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
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I envy writers like you. It seems like everything you write just comes out beautifully, no matter what it is. Describing is the most painful thing for me.  I don't really know how to critique this, as it reads more as poetry than anything else, really. Your repetitions are good, and all the words that you have chosen seem to fit. I'm reading it out loud, just to see if anything jars, and I can only find a couple of things:
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| the really good ones where it’s bright and warm and full of what you’ll ever want |
"what" sounds like it would read better "everything" in this instance.
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| A peaceful, happy smile that will never go away for the rest of the eternity of dreaming I’ll do. |
Your repetition of "of" jars slightly here. Maybe change it to, "...happy smile that will never go away for the eternity of dreaming I'll do."
That's all I found. It sounds amazing. Nice job. ^_^ |
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Tamora
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:45 am Post subject: |
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You're right it is really abstract, but it's still a good read.
I agree with basically everything that's already been said, and there's not much that I can add on it, but here goes.
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| To have to reach repeatedly for whatever they can hold on to, except they can’t. Grab, grab, grab, and off it goes. The dreams: gone. |
this is really nice, and a great metaphor.
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| Okay, so I’m on that beach, |
This doesn't quite tie into the style of the rest of it. Perhaps try: I'll be on that beach. It's just that the rest all seems to be more like that, the casualness of the sentance you've used isn't the same.
I love your third paragraph!! It's absolutely beautiful, and i thoroughly enjoyed reading such a wonderful piece of prose.
Overall: This is really niice to read, thre area couple of incongruities, which were stated by the others. I love what you've done so far, and I really hope that you progress it further. |
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thevoiceinside
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it a lot!
It's very descriptive and speaks from the heart. However, I would like to see just a little more about the horrid feeling of waking up and longing to return to that place between wakefulness and slumber.
It would be really interesting if you added a touch of suspense. Maybe talk about the atmosphere and overall feeling of waking up, having just had a nightmare and how it disrupts that balance of good dreams. That would, most definitely, pull the reader in more to capture their attention at its peak.
Just to sum it up, I think you did a very nice job with this piece
Good work! Keep writing!
-thevoiceinside |
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PerforatedxHearts
known as Serena.
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: |
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| I envy writers like you. It seems like everything you write just comes out beautifully, no matter what it is. |
That so made me cry. XDD
Thanks a lot! |
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Azila
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, Serena!
Sorry I couldn't get this to you sooner -- I've been really busy.
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| Because there’s something so lovely and beautiful about the good dreams, the really good ones where it’s bright and warm and full of what you’ll ever want and need. |
I definitely agree that you should either change "what" to "all" or "everything."
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| The real horrid moments are when you do wake up- like a person drowning. To have to reach repeatedly for whatever they can hold on to, except they can’t. |
The person is confusing me here. At first, it's in second person ("you wake up") but then it's in third, for the metaphor ("a person drowning") THEN, it's infinitive ("to have to reach") Then, it's back in third ("they can hold on to, except they can’t"). I suggest that you make the whole second sentence into second person ("You have to reach repeatedly for whatever you can hold on to, except you can’t.") or into third person ("They have to reach repeatedly for whatever they can hold on to, except they can’t"). You get what I mean?
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| Grab, grab, grab, and off it goes. The dreams: gone. |
I don't like the second sentence. Its obviousness destroys the abstract, DREAMY feeling, I think, that the rest of your writing gives.
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| I would like to dream forever, maybe about a beach for the first few ones. Okay, so I’m on that beach, a tropical splendor come to life, like the ones in the movies. |
This, too, doesn't have the same poetic feel as the rest. Especially the parts that I've made bold. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say with "the first few ones." The first few whats? And I definitely think "okay, so" needs to go. (whoa, that rhymed^_^) It sounds waaaay to conversational. I like Tamora's suggestion for this instance quite a lot.
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| My toes are sinking in the gritty soaked sand, the tide coming back every so often like some reassuring chains on my ankle, a temporary grasp that promises to tickle my feet again. |
I think the comma after "sand" should either be a semi-colon or a period. And there should be a "is" between "tide" and "coming." ^_~
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| A peaceful, happy smile that will never go away for the rest of the eternity of dreaming I’ll do. |
I agree that the wording here is really awkward. I think you should try something like "...for the rest of the eternity of my dreams." Okay, maybe not that -- it sounds stupid, lol. But you get the point?
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I would like to dream forever when I’m finally…gone. And then, but just then, perhaps you'll see why I dreamed and never came back.
It's just too beautiful. |
That's a gorgeous ending! However, I think the very last line completely ruins it. Here's why: you're telling us that maybe we'll understand why you left AFTER you leave -- but they you go ahead and tell us why right now. Do you get what I mean?
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Your writing style is beautiful. So poetic, so gorgeous.
I'm a little confused by the whole beach dream scene, though. Is it in present or past tense? You switch on and off. I suggest you make it a little more consistent.
The whole first part, you're talking to us about dreams like we sympathize -- like we know what your feeling. You even use 2nd person! But then in the end, you say that maybe once you're gone we'll understand. Looking back, this piece is split it two in my mind. Part one being everything before the beginning of the beach dream scene, and part two being everything after. I'm not quite sure what you wanted, but that's the feeling I got.
Also, right now I feel like "wow. That was some beautiful writing -- but what does it mean?" I don't really think I got anything out of it. Meaning, it was thoroughly enjoyable while I was reading it (and i felt like I was on that beach with you) but afterwards, I just feel kind of empty. Because this is so short, I know it would be hard to make a plot or anything major, but I think that an extended metaphor would work really well with your style and theme. Does the dream represent something? I have a feeling it represents death or something, by the way you said "gone" in the end. But is that really what it is? I'm not quite sure.
So, right now it feels like you just decided to sit down and write, and express yourself and HAVE FUN. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I feel like this piece has soooo much potential. With just a little bit of love, it could be a gem that would never escape my memory.
So -- I'm gonna finish this up here. If you have any questions/comments, please please please PM me. ^_^
Hope this helps.
~Azila~ |
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FaithWorks
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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It reads like a poem and story all at the same time. Its truly beautiful.
I'm not sure, and this might just be me, (so don't feel obligated to change it), but "the tide coming back every so often like reassuring chains on my ankles", the word chains doesn't seem to fit. Chains and ressuring don't seem to go together, *shrugs*, I'm not sure though.
Hmmm, looks like you've been informed of just about anything else that might need changing.
Good job:)
Blessings,
Faith |
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