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elephantwalrus
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: The Sundress |
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The Sundress
She departed from the building with her head held high,
Grinning sheepishly to try to mask her pride
In a white and strappy sundress she had worn not once
With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist.
For a moment, she looked as dignified as a cat,
And the neighbors gaped when she threw her shoulders back
As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane,
But she froze when she heard one stupid boy whistle.
It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray
From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day
And in a violent manner, she made that boy pay
By slapping the sorry, sorry boy’s face.
She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress. |
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Areida
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:58 am Post subject: |
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I won't engage in any kind of detailed discussion about style, because I'd just be fooling myself if I thought I understood poetic form, but I will say that I'm not sure if this works. It rhymes and then it doesn't. I don't mind the neat stanzas, because I think its funny that it's so structured, while the heroine so isn't, but again, not really sure about this format.
Some of your phrasing doesn't quite do it for me, but I wanted to stop and leave some comments because I love the story you have here. Very cute. 
Hokay, here we have it:
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She departed from the building with her head held high,
Grinning sheepishly to try to mask her pride
In a white and strappy sundress she had worn not once
With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist. |
I can't decide if I like the use of "building" here or not. On the one hand, it makes me think she just bought the dress, which is fine. On the other hand, by saying she's leaving her house, I get an image of her keeping the dress in her closet for months, wishing she could wear it, but feeling far too self conscious to ever dare.
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For a moment, she looked as dignified as a cat,
And the neighbors gaped when she threw her shoulders back
As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane,
But she froze when she heard one stupid boy whistle. |
Ah, so it is her house? Why then call it a building?
And a cat? Ick. She's on that awkward gap between girlhood and womanhood; at least acknowledge that. Don't turn her into a fuzzy feline.
It might be really cool if you used the idea of royalty: dignity, strutting, shoulders back. Instead of turkeys and cats, let her feel like she's wearing jewels and walking down the lane to allow her subjects just one glance at her majesty.
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It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray
From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day |
I think it almost might be cooler if she were the one who liked sci-fi shows. 
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She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress. |
Haha, very nice. I like.
I really enjoyed this poem a lot. Thanks for sharing it. |
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Ryukun7
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:44 am Post subject: |
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This is very cute, and I can entirely understand the character. She is proud to wear her dress, but doesn't want to be mocked. She is also self-conscious, and I think you did a good job of exhibiting this.
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| With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist. |
I liked how you used the purple to connect to royalty and her feelings of pride.
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| As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane |
Just curious as to why you chose Pear Tree Lane. Perhaps you could use something more dignified to fit the mood.
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| just to sock him one more time |
This simple line made me laugh. Good job
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| Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress. |
I understand this line, and like how it ends the poem. In a way though, it seems like she allowed the boy to win. Maybe you could play around with it, and think of another ending.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. Wonderful piece you have here  |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:34 am Post subject: Re: The Sundress |
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Alrighty, so, I thought this was really a great poem, but I have one problem. It seems like your going with a certian rhyme and rythm (did I spell that right..it looks wrong), but then things get switched up..it kind of disrupts everything.
| elephantwalrus wrote: |
The Sundress
She departed from the building with her head held high,
Grinning sheepishly to try to mask her pride
In a white and strappy sundress she had worn not once
With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist.
For a moment, she looked as dignified as a cat,
And the neighbors gaped when she threw her shoulders back
As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane,
But she froze when she heard one stupid boy whistle. Something about those last two lines, or, really the last line, doesn't exactly flow with the rest of it, I think you need to change things up a bit here.
It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray
From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day
And in a violent manner, she made that boy pay
By slapping the sorry, sorry boy’s face. Again, this last line seems out of place. I'm not really loving the repetition of the word sorry here. Perhaps go for some alliteration and say silly, sorry boy, or something along those lines? Only suggestions..)
She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress. |
But, yeah, other than that I think that this was really, really great. |
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SimplyPersnikety
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:25 am Post subject: |
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Very nice poem! It made me laugh! The ending is the best! "Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress" This entire poem is totally describing me when I wear a dress out in public. Though I haven't hit many boys There isn't much I can say that the other commenters haven't already. All in all, a good poem. It's nice to see a funny one now and again. Kinda brightens your day. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more from you!
Toodles!
Aj~ |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:55 am Post subject: |
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Hi!
The rhyming, or non-rhyming, really disturbed me as well, but then I came to think that it just made more humorous, because the words don't just rhyme the slightest bit. I know that a poem doesn't have to rhyme, but it would fit in this kind of poems. But it would have been nice if there were some witty rhymes that go together like... well, I don't know, but still.
However, this was a refreshing, summer-y poem and I liked it. Thank you!
See you around,
Demeter xx |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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Okay let's do this.
The first two stanzas of the poem were very good in my opinion. They were fun, you had some nice adjectives and adverbs thrown in there for just enough interest to hold your reader's attention, and semi-rhymes (as I call them) were well put together.
I had problems from there on. The third stanza in particular.
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It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray
From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day
And in a violent manner, she made that boy pay
By slapping the sorry, sorry boy’s face. |
The three lines sound forced together. When I finished reading the stanza, I felt like you had the second, third, and fourth lines before you had the first. Your rhythm fell off between the first and second lines, and all of your rhymes came off as forced.
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She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress. |
This was okay, but you need more imagery. What did the boy feel when he was knocked down? What was the pain like when he was socked again? I need more.
Hope this helps. |
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blackmist_riverfrost
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: |
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That poem was very interesting. I could really see someone doing that. I loved it and I think you should write more poems like it. You are a brilliant writer and should continue to write.
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She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress. |
That part made me laugh. My parents looked at me like I was crazy when I burst out laughing. I would probably do that. LOL Very nice job. |
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jenni321
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was really cute, I liked the theme of it, funny. But...but the rhyme scheme was going all over the place sometimes! First it rhymed, then it didn't, then went back to rhyming again, kind of confused me. You need to work on the overall structure, and yes, fix those rhyming parts! Work on the mechanics of it all, but I liked the style personally, I thought it was good overall. well, good luck!
Jenni |
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ThanatosPrinciple
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: Sundress |
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I'm not sure of what to think of this poem. Some parts were confusing, and how you called the boy
who whistled 'stupid'. Some of the wording should be changed throughout the poem. It's also a little
tough to unravel what the girl is thinking throughout.
Other than that, it's fine. |
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