Topic ID: 31528
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Riedawriter23
La Vampiress
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 721
Reviews: 515
Country: Imageline, world of the immortals
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:14 pm Post subject: "Breathing" |
 |
|
Breathing roams through me no more.
Those in and ex hail storms of doubt.
That thrives on me and all I’m for.
Once it’s in, it won’t come out.
It spreads just like a bad infection
Only yours until it’s done.
Never breathe without protection
Don’t let it get to anyone.
Undermining warning labels
I sipped the air until it thinned
Casting every truth as fable
And thrashed until it had me pinned.
It’s worthless when it worms inside
You only realize when you care.
But see, in me it cannot hide
Because I was what put it there.
So no, I do not hold it in
And still it is not cast away
I simply do not breathe at all
And things seem better now that way. |
_________________
Oh water strong, that swirls along I prithee a werewolf make me.
Of all things dear, my soul, I swear, In death shall not forsake thee.
~Proverb
Got YWS? Rick FTW!!!! 
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Samsal
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 36
Reviews: 17
334 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:27 pm Post subject: Re: "Breathing" |
|
|
| Riedawriter23 wrote: |
Never breathe without protection
|
that is my favorite line from your poem.it is the only one that stuck with me. i had to read it a few times and i still don't really know what's going on. but maybe thats just me. so please write and tell me what exactly this poem was about and what emotion it is supposed to hit and i'm willing to read it over again. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Riedawriter23
La Vampiress
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 721
Reviews: 515
Country: Imageline, world of the immortals
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Basically the breathing represents a relationship. It has a lot of fixing up to do so that I can make point clearer. |
_________________
Oh water strong, that swirls along I prithee a werewolf make me.
Of all things dear, my soul, I swear, In death shall not forsake thee.
~Proverb
Got YWS? Rick FTW!!!!
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
|
| Back to top |
|
elephantwalrus
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
Reviews: 138
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
When I first read this poem, I didn't think it was about a relationship; I thought it was about smoking . Obviously, I was wrong.
I guess the line that most confused me was this one:
| Quote: |
| Undermining warning labels |
It made me think of cigarettes.
I think you have the potential to use this imagery to describe a relationship, but honestly, I never made that connection while reading the poem. You have a good use of metaphor, you just need to make the point of the poem a bit less vague. If you have any questions or ever want me to critique an edited version, PM me.
River |
_________________
You have just had the meritorious honor of encountering River L. Dayes. Don't let it get to your head. |
|
| Back to top |
|
white desert
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 08 Mar 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
| To be truthful, I had no idea what you were talking about until I read your review. Actually, I would have to agree on what elephantwalrus said. It kind of does sound like it could be about smoking, or it could be something about being under water, like swimming. I didn't know then, but if you put the explanation on the bottom or the top, it would make a little more sense. oh well, we learn from what we do. keep writing and good luck! |
_________________
"Listen to what your heart tells you, not what your heart is told."
-me |
|
| Back to top |
|
Evolmega
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, I enjoyed reading this. The way you described it, made me enjoy it. And i always like a poem with a little rhyme here and there  , haha, goodjob! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Galatea
ti'wari
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 22
Joined: 24 Nov 2004
Posts: 2102
Reviews: 128
Country: summerland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: |
|
|
Excellent piece. The rhyme really works here, except in a few places. But I'll get to that...
"Breathing roams through me no more."
-The syntax of this line is screwy, because of the rhyme you're shooting for. Fix please?
"in and ex hail"
-Should be "in- and exhale"
"Once it’s in, it won’t come out.
It spreads just like a bad infection
Only yours until it’s done."
-I feel like the wording here could be clearer, but its not because of your rhyme scheme. If you could find a way to correct it, that would be wonderful!
"Because I was what put it there."
-Because I was WHO put it there?
"And things seem better now that way."
-And things seem better now THIS way?
Again, excellent work. There are some small nit-picks for you. Keep writing! |
_________________
We bring you Good News, by Word of mouth!
For now that Spring Time's born,
The Sun is coming up from the South,
With Oak and Ash and Thorn! |
|
| Back to top |
|
rebecca_anne_mcfarlane
Novice
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I thought this was a great piece although some parts were unclear. I could see how it would be about smoking, too, but I thought overall it was very good. Keep it up! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Posts: 1275
Reviews: 199
Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing*
350 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:27 pm Post subject: Re: "Breathing" |
|
|
| Quote: |
Breathing roams through me no more.
Those in and ex hail storms of doubt.
That thrives on me and all I’m for. |
I'll be honest - I don't really understand these lines. "In and ex hail storms of doubt"...in and ex? That doen't make sense to me.
| Quote: |
Once it’s in, it won’t come out.
It spreads just like a bad infection
Only yours until it’s done.
Never breathe without protection
Don’t let it get to anyone. |
Ooh, now THIS is good imagery. My favorite lines so far.
| Quote: |
Undermining warning labels
I sipped the air until it thinned
Casting every truth as fable
And thrashed until it had me pinned. |
The last line seems a bit of an oxymoron...If you were thrashing, it would be harder for someone to pin you. It would make more sense to say something like "And thrashed when it had me pinned."
| Quote: |
It’s worthless when it worms inside
You only realize when you care.
But see, in me it cannot hide
Because I was what put it there. |
How about, "I was the one who put it there"? Don't call yourself a "what", lol. This part of the poem is beautiful though.
| Quote: |
So no, I do not hold it in
And still it is not cast away
I simply do not breathe at all
And things seem better now that way. |
Great, great ending. This poem is beautiful. You are so talented. It took me a little while to grasp the concept of it, but that may be simply because I'm not very poetic, lol.
The punctuation seems a little strange, though. It's like you threw periods in random places, not necessarily because it was the end of a thought. You might want to fix that. :D |
_________________
"The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act." ~Barbara Hall |
|
| Back to top |
|
Riedawriter23
La Vampiress
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 721
Reviews: 515
Country: Imageline, world of the immortals
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Okay, "in and ex hail storms of doubt." since no one seemed to get it. It resembles two things inhaling and exhaling and hail storms. so they are inhale and exhale hail storms...except I used the word to mean two different things. lol Just thought I should explain that. Thanks for all the help though I really enjoyed it. |
_________________
Oh water strong, that swirls along I prithee a werewolf make me.
Of all things dear, my soul, I swear, In death shall not forsake thee.
~Proverb
Got YWS? Rick FTW!!!!
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
|
| Back to top |
|
NightmareMoon
Novice
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really enjoyed this. Personally, I prefer it when poetry doesn't rhyme, but this was really good. I noticed just a few punctuations errors, but nothing that can't be fixed by a simple read-through. |
_________________
~~*Sakura*~~ |
|
| Back to top |
|
Charliebo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 41
Country: Britain
450 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
really gorgeous. I think what was so great about this poem was that every line was important, individual and really fluid with rhythm. There was only one point that the rhythm was lost...
you only realise when you care.
that line made my reading stutter, and i think you should reword it, because the rest is so smooth.
You're going to get sick of hearing it, but i'd rather say it than put that agree with the above reviews: the meaning is difficult to pin. It doesnt make the writing any less wonderful, it just detracted from it - my mind was trying to figure out what you meant when it should have been soaking in the words.
Maybe you should consider changing the title so that it has no metaphor in it at all...? So decode 'breathing' to what you were using it as a metaphor for.
It's just a suggestion, and not a particularly fabulous one, but maybe consider.
altogether, this was proper poetry and i loved it! I will keep a look out for your other stuff. Good luck!
From charlie. ^^ |
_________________
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Evaeva
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 10
Country: UK
57 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I didn't understand what it was about but I still really liked it!
It had good description and I felt it flowed well.
The meaning could be clearer but I think the writing here is more important than a meaning and so it still works pretty well.
Good work.
xxx |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
