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Moony
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 Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:45 am Post subject: Ring Master |
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Last edited by Moony on Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Lydia
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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I am a new member and this is my first time reviewing something so I'll try my hardest.
I think that you have many strengths and weaknesses. You have some misspelled words and things like that. What you should do is reread it and edit it. Overall I thought it was interesting, though. |
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Lydia
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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I am a new member and this is my first time reviewing something so I'll try my hardest.
I think that you have many strengths and weaknesses. You have some misspelled words and things like that. What you should do is reread it and edit it. Overall I thought it was interesting, though. |
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Antares
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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First things first: take a new paragraph for each new speaker. 
Now, on with the review...
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Purple smoke fills the ruins of an abandoned city; the sounds of bombs ring out through the streets. |
The purple smoke is filling the ruins? The wording could be better here. How about 'fills the air around the ruins'? I also have to question whether bomb sounds 'ring.' I'm pretty sure you can find a better word to use there.
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| ...their odd clothes dirtied from the mud and dust in the air. |
Mud is in the air? Oh and how exactly are their clothes odd? Have we just to be kept guessing at this point?
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"This war has gotten way out of hand, I... I thought fighting would solve our problems. But... I suppose I was horribly wrong, I am sorry,", said the young man as he walked beside the a girl. |
Punctuation goes inside the quotations marks. When you say young man how young do you actually mean? You could give some indication to his age.
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"Uncle, this wasn't your fault,. Maybe the humans were right... We don't belong here. Ring Master should have never brought us here, we should have all stayed in 'The Realm of Myst,'", she said, her purple and sapphire eyes filled with grief. |
'The Realm of Myst' is not exactly original, is it? It seems very cliché. Also, I think you should stick to one colour for her eyes unless it is necessary for the story.
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| "No, you're wrong. We do belong here, the humans must see that. You are too young to understand what truly happened," he said with his hands glowing red. |
Stop the bus a minute! His hands are glowing red? And if they're not human why call him a 'man'?
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"Something is coming, get ready", he said getting in a position. The girl copied his movement and her hands glowed blue. A machine crashed through the a building and many soldiers came running out of it, their guns in hand. They screamed in rage as the started shooting the two people, the girl covered them with a blue force field. The man looked at his niece with sadness in his red eyes, he grabbed her wrist and pressed on the tattoo that lay there. She fell to ground powerless, "Remember I did this to protect you, you were always the strongest of your siblings", the girl couldn't move but she could see and hear just fine. They man looked at the soldiers seeing their faces full of disgust, he approached them, "Shoot him now, do not kill that girl!" screamed the one in command. |
Y'know the YWS editor comes with a handy Spell Checker so you could avoid these types of spelling mistakes. We've got blue and red glowing hands, machines crashing through buildings and blue force fields? All in all we're pretty darn confused. I love how he presses on her tattoo and she becomes powerless though. That's funky.
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The cried, she couldn't move no matter what she did. 'The cried'? Huh? Her Uncle fell to the ground, and the soldiers ran to the girl. "She is still alive! Finally after all these years we have her, strap her down she should be paralyzed like this for at least another day since she is still a young one". He kicked her to make sure she wasn't faking it before three soldiers came to her with stretcher, all of the soldiers were coughing from the gasses and smoke, "Hurry before this purple smoke kills us all". The soldiers took her away, surrounding the stretcher to make sure no more of her kind showed up, "I shall be very happy when we at last get rid of these 'Circus Freaks', they should have never some with their... 'Ring Master' I suppose they call him", the leader of the soldiers chuckled as he walked beside the stretcher. "You sound ever so confident", said the girl in an angry voice. The man turned back to the girl, "How may I ask, are you able to talk?". "I am one of the few that can do this, you shouldn't worry though because I can't move". "Hmmm... Well then more surprises from the 'Circus Freaks'". "Just because we dress this way and call our leader the 'Ring Master', doesn't mean we are circus freaks". "My dear girl, you have powers like a freak, and you are a young one you wouldn't possibly understand". "I understand this war is wrong". "As I recall, it was your Uncle who drove us to this fighting, but it is to late now. We have what we needed,. You." |
Really, how can she talk if she can't move?
I'm going to stop now but there are three things I will advise you to do:
1) Spruce up your grammar a bit and learn how to set out dialogue properly.
2) Revise the story a little. Don't just drop bombs on the reader such as blue glowing hands and expect them to understand. As soon as they get too confused they won't read for much longer. Also, try your hardest to avoid clichés. You're doing okay so far but honestly as soon as I saw 'The Realm of Myst' I wanted to stop reading. 'Realm' is way over-used in fantasy.
3) The third and final thing is: don't give up. I know it seems like all I've done is criticise your work but honestly it's not as bad as it seems. You can improve and get better as long as you keep trying.
I hope I've helped a little and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Good luck! |
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Clo
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject: |
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Ditto what Antares said: Dialogue = new paragraphs! When you read a book, think of how that's set up. Try to mimic that. 
Before you post a story, search it for typos. Because one of the biggest problems here is typos and grammar - those aren't too hard to fix. Just re-read what you write carefully before you post, and look for words that stand out and look "wrong". That you know you've read countless times before and they weren't spelled like that.
This is hard to read, the format being the way it is. Edit it a little, and then it'll be easier to look at the story.
PM me if you have any questions~ |
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Moony
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:39 am Post subject: |
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| Sorry guys but I did rush through this last night si I could get some sleep. I am going to edit this and add stuff though. |
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Yeah, so... I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and slice my thighs now... |
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Moony
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:51 am Post subject: |
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| i am editing it right now! |
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Yeah, so... I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and slice my thighs now... |
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sylverdawn
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Very interesting. I bit confusing though with how you've spaced the paragraphs. Keep working on it it seems like an interesting and well thought out story. |
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colourless-rainbow
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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Ooh, intriguing. I'd love to see more of this.
It does need some brushing up of basic grammar points (new line for a new person's speech) and checking up of typos but that's easily sorted. =D |
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flytodreams
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 11:34 am Post subject: |
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Hi,
The plot so far sounds interesting, good work on that! 
But the grammatical stuff, as you've been told, needs work.
Can't wait to read more!  |
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Moony
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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| sorry this time i am editing it |
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Yeah, so... I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and slice my thighs now... |
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