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Poem of the Prisoner
Poem of the Prisoner

by lordgluzman in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 2, 2008
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Hotdog

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Lydia   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:00 am    Post subject: Hotdog Reply with quote

I was laying in bed one night when I thought of this...I was hungry too Wink Well anyways it probably has some problems...

__________________________________________________________________________

“Hey Claire, what do you want?” Tim asked randomly.

“Hmmm…I think a hotdog.”

“You’re kidding, right? I can get you almost anything and you want a hot dog?”

“A hotdog,” Claire confirmed.

“Okay.” He shrugged, walking away. If she wanted a hot dog he would get her a hot dog.

He walked on the sidewalk that led into town. He was almost there when he thought of a question to ask Claire. He groaned, turning back around.

“Claire, what kind of dog do you want?” He asked, walking Claire’s backyard.

“A hot one.” A piece of light blond hair fell in front of her face. She puffed up her cheeks, trying to blow it off.

“Right,” Tim mumbled.

When Tim finally reached town he went in search of a hot dog, or how to make one. He got a few ideas on how to make a hot dog, along with finding one.

The pet store had a huge selection of dogs. Tim picked out a golden retriever and a small dog that he didn’t know the breed of.

“How old are you?” The cashier asked Tim.

“Nine, how old are you?”

“Aren’t you a little young to buy your own pets?” She went on, ignoring him.

“No not at all.”

She looked studied him and shrugged. “Okay.”

Next stop was the store. The bell rang as he opened the door, a blast of cool air hitting his face. He wandered around the store, looking for anything that looked like he needed.

There was a pair of pitch black sunglasses. He looked from the golden retriever back to the sunglasses. Picking them up he placed them on the dog so it was wearing them like a human would.

A hot dog.

After a little wandering around the store again, he found what he needed, a heat pack. He looked at the small dog and back at the heat pack.

Smiling, he took it off the shelf and headed towards check out. “Is this all or you getting those dogs, too?” The cashier asked in a bored voice.

“I already got them.”

“Whatever.” He looked at Tim, his items, and his dogs. Shrugging, he quickly scanned the sunglasses and heat pack and bagged them.

Right when Tim was about to hand over the money, somebody came storming over.

“Alright, Alex, give him his stuff so he can leave. Did you not read the sign, no dogs?” The manager barked at Alex and Tim. “It’s right on the front door.”

Alex shoved the bag into Tim’s arms. “I guess I get free stuff.”

“Out!” The manager shouted.

“Hi Claire, I’m back,” Tim said, walking in Claire’s backyard.

“Hi Tim, did you get my hotdog?” She asked, swinging on the blue swing set.

“Sure did!” He nodded towards the golden retriever. “If I put the sunglasses on him it makes him a hot dog.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Or I have this heat pad that I can put on the small dog to make him a hot dog,” he continued, hurrying.

She stopped swinging, staring at him like he was crazy. “Or I could put him in the oven, the microwave works, too,” Tim finished.

“Tim, all I wanted was a hotdog.”

“I did get you a hot dog, two hot dogs.”

“No, a hotdog like the ones you eat.”

He stared at her blankly. “You mean…” he trailed off. “I spent all of my Mom’s money for no reason?”


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Wang Chung   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wonderful demonstration of how a child's mind works, and to think you thought of this while lying in bed! I'm probably reading a little to much into this, but I do that with a lot of things.

One problem however. I got the feeling that you weren't sure how to start it off, so the beginning was pretty weak.

But apart from that wee snag, great story. I hope you write more stories like this one.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mmm...hotdogs.

The Beginning: is too abrupt and random. It's just simply dialogue, no description. You need to add the slightest bit of description here, even it it's just a "he said" and then a descriptive word.

Quote:
“Claire, what kind of dog do you want?” He asked, walking Claire’s backyard.

The "He" after the dialogue should not be capitilized: "he asked".

Quote:
He got a few ideas on how to make a hot dog, along with finding one.

Where did he get these ideas? You need more description here.

Quote:
“Aren’t you a little young to buy your own pets?” She went on, ignoring him.

"She" = "she". When you finish writing dialogue and the first word isn't a pronoun, like a name or place for example, then you do NOT capitilize it.

Quote:
“No not at all.”

"No, not at all".

Quote:
“Is this all or you getting those dogs, too?”

...What does he mean by this?

Quote:
“I did get you a hot dog, two hot dogs.”

What exactly is the second hot dog? You never mention him purchasing another.

Overall, this piece is merely cute. It's plot is confusing and very childish. It would be a cute children's book, though. You need to add much more description if you want it to be anything more than that.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe! That was so cute! I would be lovely as a children's book with pictures.

Quote:
“Hey Claire, what do you want?” Tim asked randomly.


Who are these people? Why does he ask randomly? I'd like to know a bit more, because the 'randomly' bit makes is a bit weird.

Quote:
“Hmmm…I think a hotdog.”


Ho-dog. You do this a lot in it.

Quote:
along with finding one.


This confused me. He found a warm dog? Elaborate, because I have no idea what you're talking about.

Quote:
“How old are you?” The cashier asked Tim.


the

Quote:
“Aren’t you a little young to buy your own pets?” She went on, ignoring him.


she. Also, she could hardly talk to him and ignore. Him. I'd get rid of the ignoring bit.

Quote:
Next stop was the store.


Which store? There are a lot of stores out there. We need to know what store he went too.

Quote:
“Hi Tim, did you get my hotdog?” She asked, swinging on the blue swing set.


she

Quote:
“I spent all of my Mom’s money for no reason?”


How did a nine-yer-old get all of his mum's money? I'm 14 and still haven't worked out how to get all of my parents money.


There were quite a few mistakes, but as to your actual story, it was great. Apart form it being a bit far-fetched, I loved it, and it's just how a child's mind (although I think a little younger than nine) would work.

Good job!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really cute and funny! The grammar mistakes I spotted had already been pointed out! Great job!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was really cute, but I do have to echo the earlier question: how did this little guy get all of his mom's money?

I do like how in the beginning she asks for a hot dog and he is like "that's all?" I almost got the impression that they were older and they were going on a date or something, but then when he comes back to her backyard and asks what kind of hot dog, I realized how old he had to be and died laughing. Brings back fond memories of that particular joke (a panting -literally hot- dog) on Sesame Street. Ah, good times... good times...

Anyway, I second everyone else in saying this would be a great illustrated kids' book. Very, very nice work here!

Now I want a hot dog... A hot one. Wink

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha! This was wonderful! I'm really bad at being creative like that, I have no idea what I'm doing on this site!

Very good story though.

Keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Lydia.

I don't think a pet store would sell a kid a dog without having the kid's parents there with him.

"She puffed up her cheeks, trying to blow it off."

Good detail.

"'Nine, how old are you?'"

Funny.

"He stared at her blankly. 'You mean…' he trailed off. 'I spent all of my Mom’s money for no reason?'"

So it was all just a mistake? It wasn't an elaborate joke? No one is that dumb. I mean, come on. If the kid didn't know what a hotdog was he would've asked. I know kids take things literally sometimes, but this is a bit much.

Eh. Maybe I'm analyzing it too much. The story's a decent vessel for a joke; the joke just isn't funny enough to justify the unrealistic aspects of it.

Cheers.

Prokaryote

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really cute and funny. I liked all the dialogue between Tim and the cashiers. It was really simple but funny.

Your punctuation seemed fine to me. I didn't catch anything. Overall I felt it was a nice little feel-good story.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 4:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This piece was very humorous. It was also real. It was an ideal example on how a young child's mind works. I am a babysitter so I spend much time with little kids. I could easily picture this situation. On a scale of 1-10, I give you a 8.5, because your beginning was poorly constructed. You need to make a foundation for the story. The word randomly did a poor job of describing his question. Maybe of Claire's, but definitely not Tim's. Use a thesaurus. Without the weak beginning, you'd have a 9.5 for the length. This was too short!
If it had a better beginning, and was longer, you would have an instant 10! Good luck and happy writing!
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was completely entertaining and hilarious!

You made a few gramatical mistakes, though.

Quote:
“Claire, what kind of dog do you want?” He asked, walking Claire’s backyard.


INSTEAD:
Quote:
"“Claire, what kind of dog do you want?” He asked, walking into Claire’s backyard.


*************************************************************

Stop capitalizing after every dialogue, I have noticed this in a lot of places.
Quote:

“How old are you?” The cashier asked Tim.

“Out!” The manager shouted.

“Hi Claire, I’m back,” Tim said, walking in Claire’s backyard.


Please edit those parts.

*************************************************************

Quote:
“Nine, how old are you?”


Why is the "you" italised??

*************************************************************

Other than that, it ws great and brought a smile on my face.....Made my day!! keep writing!!!!
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