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This thread was created on June 20, 2008
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A Star and an Owl - Chap. 1 (Edited)
By Sun, By Moon - Prologue
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 1
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 2
An Apple and a Graveyard - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 4
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 5
Violet - Chap. 1
Violet - Chap. 2
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 7
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 8
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 10
My Lady Greensleeves - Chap. 1, Part 1
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 11

By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 3

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:29 pm    Post subject: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 3 Reply with quote

Chapter Three

It had been an eventful, amusing day. Jeff, Keith, Alyssa, and I had all gone to the meadow where we’d always played as pups. The entire time we spent prancing in the freezing river, nipping playfully at each other, and lying under the sun in the snow.

Then the day drew to an abrupt end when I heard a sound, and looked up. When I saw what Pack member it was standing there, my mouth curled into a snarl. Jeff glanced at me, and Alyssa followed my gaze curiously.

Mark stood at the edge of the clearing, wearing his pelt and grinning at us. My hackles rose in dislike, and I stood, glaring. Alyssa, on the other hand, began to coyly lick her paw like a giant cat. I bared my fangs again, this time in disgust.

“Nice weather,” Mark said pleasantly, padding toward us. I saw that Harriet was just behind him. Her fur was ruffled on her back, as if something—or someone—had been atop her. My lips curled in deeper revulsion.

“It was Genny’s idea,” Keith said offhandedly. I scowled at him.

“Why wasn’t I invited?” Mark asked with a false hurt note in his deep voice, barely looking my way.

“Jealous, Williams?” Jeff asked, and I couldn’t tell if it was playfully or not. Jeff abandoned his pelt and stood naked before Mark. And as Mark strode up to him, I couldn’t help but compare the two and admire Mark’s form. Our human bodies were so pale and insignificant, while wolves were full of color and life.

It was not my fault that I noticed Mark was an exceptionally graceful wolf. His fur was black as midnight, sleek as if it had just rained, and his sinewy muscles moved smoothly as he walked. No one could help noticing him. He commanded attention, despite his promiscuity and disregard of our Law.

But Jeff remained wrong; I may have looked at Mark with admiration, but never anything close to attraction.

“Not at all,” Mark replied with a grin, dark eyes twinkling. “I was doing far better things while you played with these little pups.”

Harriet laughed suggestively, and I tired of being near her and Mark.

Keith snorted as I turned to Alyssa. “Little?” I heard him exclaim.

“I’ll see you tonight at the bonfire,” I told Alyssa, moving away towards the shelter of the trees. She didn’t respond, or even blink. Her yellow eyes were riveted on Mark Williams.

“Hey, Gen, save me a dance tonight!” Keith called. I flipped my tail at him, and the others laughed.

“Do you also wish Gen to save you a dance, my friend?” I heard Jeff ask Mark.

And, right before I slipped into the line of trees, I caught his reply: “No.”

* * * * *

Music blared in the background from Yolanda’s radio. My family and friends all sat around or danced before the huge fire Charles, another burly Pack member, had started an hour earlier. I leaned against a tree in the outskirts, staring into the flames and brooding. I wasn’t very social, and I hated the stupid Pack bonfires we were all required to go to; Yolanda, our old Alpha’s mate, thought it was a good way of keeping the Pack “unified”.

“Isn’t Mark beautiful?” Alyssa murmured, appearing next to me. The wolf she spoke of stood not too far from us, kissing Harriet in the shadows. I caught a glimpse of his tongue.

“If you like his type,” I replied stiffly.

She sighed. “You’re such a bore. You know he’s the best-looking guy in the Pack.”

“What about Keith? He’s not so bad.” I glanced at the boy, who was dancing with Pricilla. Although, truth be told, he couldn’t hold a candle to Mark or Jeff.

“No.” Alyssa shook her blonde head. “Keith is tiny. All of us can outrun him in a hunt. No, the next guy in line would be Shawn.” She jerked her chin at the tattooed wolf, presently in human form as the rest of us were, dancing. He was Mark’s best friend, I knew. Everyone knew everything about everyone in a Pack, being so close together all the time.

“And what about Jeff?” I asked darkly. My cousin smirked.

“Do you really want to know what I think?” She licked her lips. I drew away, exasperated. She was always acting like a bitch in heat.

“No,” I said quickly. “I can guess.”

Alyssa shrugged. “He’s taken. We all know that. I don't like rating guys who are taken.”

I raised a brow. “Mark? Shawn? They’re not taken? What about Harriet, and Shawn’s new girl?”

She scoffed. “Mark and Shawn aren’t not taken. They have temporary amusements.”

“Amusements,” I repeated.

“Yes,” Alyssa replied coyly. “You should try it some time. Oh, by the way, I was just wondering... where is Jeff tonight?” Her eyes were knowing. She knew we weren’t getting along.

I snarled at her, and my pendant flickered with my irritation. “I don't know. I'm not his mother.”

“Oh, I know. No one knows what you are. Least of all Jeff.”

“What do you mean?” I snapped.

But Alyssa must have tired of my company. She rolled her eyes and flounced away, heading in the direction of Shawn and his dance partner, a young wolf called Falon.

No one else bothered me. My father met my gaze once, and then an instant later his skittered away. My stomach tightened. We hadn’t spoken in weeks; he claimed to be tired, or busy. But I knew he didn’t know what to say to me, how to act. Like Uncle Richard, I reminded him of my mother. Father didn’t hate me for it, but he certainly avoided me.

Wanting a distraction, I looked around the bonfire again.

Everyone in the Pack had coupled off, and still Jeff was nowhere to be seen. There was joyous howling now, but I couldn’t force myself to join in. Everywhere there was dancing, and the smell of lust pierced the smoky air. Cubs would be made this night, mates joined.

And I was alone. Where was Jeff? I turned my head and saw that Mark had Harriet up against a tree, and was nuzzling her neck. She had grown her claws, and was running them down his bare back. Mark growled and threw back his head, and the she-wolf licked his jaw. When she unzipped his jeans, I instantly turned away, but their image remained burned in my mind. Both of their pendants were burning profusely, and mine remained unmoving and cold.

How could Jeff shun me like this? Because that’s what I knew he was doing. The wolf thought to show me that he had meant what he said that afternoon by ignoring me.

Temporary amusements.

Where is Jeff tonight?

I shook my head, growling. Alyssa just had had too much to drink. She wouldn’t remember half of what she had said the next morning. Her words had no meaning.

Did they?

Mark and Harriet were making unmistakable sounds that caused my stomach to clench. Not able to stand it any longer, I whirled and ran into the dark woods.


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Last edited by KJ on Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:37 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like-a the love triangle. I'm loving Mark and his promiscuity. I want to see more of what's up with this guy. Very Happy

I'm surprised Jeff doesn't rank in the analyzing that Alyssa and her do. So much for Jeff standing a chance. Razz

It's kind of odd how you start out in the future and go to the past without much of a transition. I just think more of a transition between the two is necessary to clear it up a bit.

Quote:
All of is can outrun him in a hunt.


"is" should be "us".

Other than that, I don't think your story sounds forced. I'm caught up in it anyway. I don't think there's enough werewolf stories out there. Good ones, anyway. And it is NOT getting boring. I hope, hope, hope you keep writing this.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm, another job well done. Your characters are branching out in personalities so its easy to tell them apart. The whole Mark persona is really a great touch to the plot. This wasn't boring at all. You've created a world both wolf and human which keeps the story alive and real. As long as you don't lose that special touch then there's no telling where this story will go. If you get stuck take a walk outside, base the events that happen next on things that happened. If these events don't play into the story well just wing it. Anyways, I think you'll do great. Don't pressure yourself. I didn't see any grammatical errors. But you might want to make sure you say whether this took place in the past or present. Since I read the first couple of chapters I kinda understand when err what time period the event is taking place. Just be careful.
All in all,
Good Job and Keep Writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.

I must say, because of certain...er...people in my life, I haven't been encouraged to read much fantasy - particularly in the form of werewolves and vampires. But YOU, my dear, are so incredibly good at it that you've drawn me in despite myself. This is an excellent story, and I have nothing to review! Which is weird. I don't often find myself in this position.

I really like the way you've made animal desire and animal's actions a big part of the whole thing. Often in fantasy stories the authors try to make other creatures just like humans only with cooler powers. Your story is great in that it doesn't ignore the wolf side of werewolves - how they mate, and interact, and all of that. I really like the development of your charecters, too.

One thing I would say is that it's difficult to tell whether your charecters are in human form or wolf form, and when. Because you talk about fur, and tails and such, and then you talk about hands running through hair and stuff.

If you're not feeling the story and ever word's a challenge for you, perhaps you should take a break from it. I mean, I don't think you should only write when you're inspired to it, but if you're working too hard, you're doing something wrong, you know what I mean?
Anyway, cheers, and have a lovely day.
~M-K (aka Sarah)

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think this sounds rushed at all, I think the events are slow enough that it doesn't sound rushed. Yet another great chapter, that keeps leading the readers on. Maybe, if you feel like the story isn't working, allow yourself to skip in time a bit, and get to a part further down in the novel that interests you. Although, this part is interesting for all its explanations.

Quote:
The sight of the Pack member standing there caused my mouth to curl into a snarl.

I'm not sure about this sentence, the way it's formed. Maybe try: 'When I saw who it was, my mouth curled into a snarl.' I think that's it, you didn't really connect the Pack Member to the sound... I don't know, my brain is weird...

Quote:
“Nice weather,” Mark said pleasantly, padding toward us.

Nothing wrong with this part, but I like how they can still speak as wolves. Although, I do hope that normal humans can't understand them, because I think that would ruin the animal blend that you have going so well. But, I like how you don't attempt to do something really complicated for their speaking, and then translate.

Quote:
Humans were so pale and insignificant, while wolves were full of color and life.

Just wondering whether these werewolves stay as wolves, or as humans. Because sometimes it seems as though Genny hates humans, when she, herself, is part human... Although, this might just be one of the twists to your werewolves.

Quote:
But Jeff remained wrong. I may have looked at Mark with admiration, but never anything close to attraction.

Connect these two sentences together, with either a colon or a semicolon. Because, at least in my mind, you go from talking about how attractive she thinks wolves are to talking about how Jeff, who just happens to be in human form at the moment, is wrong.

Quote:
Harriet laughed suggestively, and I tired of being near her and Mark.

This part seems a bit abrupt, although part of it just might be because of her knowing the characters, and the readers not knowing.

Quote:
And, right before I slipped into the line of trees, I caught his reply: “No.”

Commas for the appositive.

Quote:
My family and friends all sat around or danced before the huge fire Charles had started an hour earlier.

Who's Charles? I don't think he was in the list of people mentioned earlier...

Quote:
I wasn’t very social, and I hated the stupid Pack bonfires that my father made me go to.

I'm curious as to why her dad makes her go, and why she hates the bonfires... It just seems weird that she wavers between the Pack Mentality, and then the human individualism... Although, that just seems weird because everything else is sort of in the Pack Mentality.

Quote:
He stood not too far from us, making out with Harriet in the shadows.

One part where you need to clarify if they are humans are wolves. Because, you go between them so often that it really does need to be clarified.

Quote:
Although, truth be told, he wasn’t that great as guys go.

Would add the bold word and punctuation, it makes it flow much better, since you say one thing and then the other.
Quote:

My father met my gaze once, and then an instant later his skittered away. My stomach tightened. Coward.

How and why is her dad a coward? If he's forcing her to go to this bonfire, then why does she think so low about her dad? Just one thing that doesn't really fit, and needs an explanation....

Quote:
I turned my head and saw that Mark had Harriet up against a tree, and was nuzzling her neck.

I think that if you clarify what shape they are in earlier in the scene, than you probably could get away without clarifying it here. Although, a few slight mentions wouldn't help.

Quote:
Temporary amusements. Where is Jeff tonight?

I'm not exactly sure that these thoughts go together. The 'temporary amusements' thought was really random... Maybe some more connector thoughts?

All in all, I really liked this chapter. I liked how it gave us a chance to get to know your characters, and more of how your werewolves worked. This gave a few more explanations, but it still lead you on, making the reader wonder what else is going on. Very Happy

Good luck with your writing! Feel free to PM me when you post more, Very Happy .

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

~Kelsey~

I only noticed one thing:

Quote:
His fur was black as midnight, sleek as if it had just rained, and his sinewy muscles moved smoothly as he walked.


Don’t you mean “His fur was as black as midnight”??
Also, this sentence is really choppy. Need to make smoother.

Quote:
I've been struggling with this story, more than any other. It doesn't seem to come to me as easily as the others have. When you read it, does it feel forced to you? Is it just getting boring?


Yes, I noticed that. It does seem like your struggling…but not bad, kels. It isn’t bad, believe me.

To answer your questions,

1) Is it forced??
Maybe…I mean, sometimes the emotions she is feeling was kind of forced, but otherwise everything else was good.

2) Boring??
No! Of course not! All of your stories are entertaining! Don’t you worry about that!

Well, I hope this helped!

I can’t wait to read more! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like how you're creating tension between Gen and Mark. One thing I find confusing is knowning when they are in the form of a wolf and when they're in the form of a human.

Also, you wrote that Mark was wearing jeans which Harriet unzipped. Why would he wear jeans since they seem to all be comfortable changing in and out of human form infront of one another at will?


I think you also need to have hte pack put more pressure on Genny to settle down with a mate - maybe the reason she refuses to mate with Jeff is because should she do so then all will see it as a sign she is ready to settle (something she is dead against for whatever reason).

Also, the dialogue feels too much like normal, everyday kids. This is a wild civilzation, they wouldn't be talking about whose the 'hottest guy' in the pack.

Think of them like the native americans. Mates were selected based on their needs. Who was the strongest warrior? Who had the means and ability to care and support for the woman and the family? Also, explain more in depth how Mark's promiscuity is a problem - and shouldn't that mean that Harriet would be equally frowned upon for her behaviour? If there are laws against mating with someone before you've settled then would boh he and Harriet be more descriet?

Also, the names are still throwing me off. If you're using modern day names then there needs to a reason for it all to make sense.

This story has potential - keep at it.
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:24 am    Post subject: Re: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 3 Reply with quote

KJ wrote:
I've been struggling with this story, more than any other. It doesn't seem to come to me as easily as the others have. When you read it, does it feel forced to you? Is it just getting boring?

Chapter Three

It had been an eventful, amusing day. Jeff, Keith, Alyssa, and I had all gone to the meadow where we’d always played as pups. The entire time we spent prancing in the freezing river, nipping playfully at each other, and lying under the sun in the snow.
Then the day drew to an abrupt end when I heard a sound, and looked up. The sight of the Pack member standing there caused my mouth to curl into a snarl. Jeff glanced at me, and Alyssa looked where I was curiously.
Mark stood at the edge of the clearing, wearing his pelt and grinning at us. My hackles rose in dislike, and I stood, glaring. Alyssa, on the other hand, began to coyly lick her paw like a giant cat. I bared my fangs again, this time in disgust.
“Nice weather,” Mark said pleasantly, padding toward us. I saw that Harriet was just behind him. Her fur was ruffled on her back, as if something—or someone—had been atop her. My lips curled in even more deeper revulsion.
“It was Genny’s idea,” Keith said offhandedly. I scowled at him.
“Why wasn’t I invited?” Mark asked with a false hurt note in his deep voice, barely looking my way.
“Jealous, Williams?” Jeff asked, and I couldn’t tell if it was playfully or not. Jeff abandoned his pelt and stood naked before Mark. And as Mark strode up to him, I couldn’t help but compare the two and admire Mark’s form. Humans were so pale and insignificant, while wolves were full of color and life.
It was not my fault that I noticed Mark was an exceptionally graceful wolf. His fur was black as midnight, sleek as if it had just rained, and his sinewy muscles moved smoothly as he walked. No one could help noticing him. He commanded attention, despite his promiscuity and disregard of our Law.
But Jeff remained wrong. I may have looked at Mark with admiration, but never anything close to attraction.
“Not at all,” Mark replied with a grin, dark eyes twinkling. “I was doing far better things while you played with these little pups.”
Harriet laughed suggestively, and I tired of being near her and Mark.
Keith snorted as I turned to Alyssa. “Little?” I heard him exclaim.
“I’ll see you tonight at the bonfire,” I told Alyssa, moving away towards the shelter of the trees. She didn’t respond, or even blink. Her yellow eyes were riveted on Mark Williams.
“Hey, Gen, save me a dance tonight!” Keith called. I flipped my tail at him, and the others laughed.
“Do you also wish Gen to save you a dance, my friend?” I heard Jeff ask Mark.
And right before I slipped into the line of trees I caught his reply: “No.”

* * * * *

Music blared in the background from Yolanda’s radio. My family and friends all sat around or danced before the huge fire Charles had started an hour earlier. I leaned against a tree in the outskirts, staring into the flames and brooding. I wasn’t very social, and I hated the stupid Pack bonfires that my father made me go to.
“Isn’t Mark gorgeous?” Alyssa murmured, appearing next to me. He stood not too far from us, making out with Harriet in the shadows.
“If you like his type,” I replied stiffly.
She sighed. “You’re such a bore. You know he’s the hottest guy in the Pack.”
“What about Keith, huh? He’s not bad.” I glanced at the boy, who was dancing with Pricilla. Truth be told, he wasn’t that great as guys go. Awkward wording. try rephrasing.
“No,” Alyssa shook her blonde head. “Keith is tiny. All of us can outrun him in a hunt. No, the next guy in line would be Shawn.” She jerked her chin at the tattooed wolf dancing. He was Mark’s best friend, I knew. Everyone knew everything about everyone in a Pack, being so close together all the time.
“And what about Jeff?” I asked darkly. My cousin smirked.
“Do you really want to know what I think?” She licked her lips. I drew away, exasperated. She acted like a hooker. That's a pretty human teenager word to be used in this situation.
“No,” I said quickly. “I can guess.”
Alyssa shrugged. “He's taken. We all know that. I don't like rating guys who are taken.”
I raised a brow. “Mark? Shawn?”
She scoffed. “They're not taken. They have temporary amusements.” I don't get it, who's taken? If Alyssa says Mark ans Shawn aren't taken, then who is she saying is?
“Amusements,” I repeated.
“Yeah,” Alyssa replied coyly. “You should try it some time. Oh, by the way... where is Jeff tonight?”
I snarled at her, and my pendant flickered with my irritation. “I don't know. I'm not his mother.”
“Oh, I know. No one knows what you are. Least of all Jeff.”
“What do you mean?” I snapped.
But Alyssa must have tired of my company. She rolled her eyes and flounced away, heading in the direction of Shawn and his dance partner, a young wolf called Falon.
No one else bothered me. My father met my gaze once, and then an instant later his skittered away. My stomach tightened. Coward.
Everyone in the Pack had coupled off, and Jeff was nowhere to be seen. There was joyous howling now, but I couldn’t force myself to join in. Everywhere there was dancing, and the smell of lust pierced the smoky air. Cubs would be made that night, and mates joined.
And I was alone. Where was Jeff? I turned my head and saw that Mark had Harriet up against a tree, and was nuzzling her neck. She had grown her claws, and was running them down his bare back. Mark growled and threw back his head, and the she-wolf licked his jaw. When she unzipped his jeans, I instantly turned away, but their image remained burned in my mind. Both of their pendants were burning profusely, and mine remained still and cold.
How could Jeff shun me like this? Because that’s what I knew he was doing. The wolf thought to show me that he had meant what he said that afternoon by ignoring me. Temporary amusements. These thoughts are a little too random to be out together like this. Separate them with something. Where is Jeff tonight? I shook my head, growling. Alyssa just had had too much to drink. Okay, they're wolves, make this part more creative. Drinking is a human thing, maybe she's chewed too much of some sort of plant that gets you high, there's plenty of those. She wouldn’t remember half of what she had said the next morning. Her words had no meaning.
Did they?
Mark and Harriet were making unmistakable sounds that caused my stomach to clench. Not able to stand it any longer, I whirled and ran into the dark woods.


Okay, sorry I quoted the whole thing and barely put any comments, but I didn't find much to comment on, and I don't like doing individual quotes.

As for your question in the beginning, I think it's sort of starting to sound a little drawn out and awkward, but it's still not boring. It may not come naturally to you for this story, but you're still a very good author.

One little thing is that your chapters are very short. So far each of them is only a few pages long. I think you should elongate or combine them.

You definitely have to keep going. This chapter especially got me wondering about Jeff, whether he was just mad, or something happened, or what. Very good continuation, and I really want to know what happens next. Please PM me when the next chapter comes out.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh yeah more to read!! I love it!!

Quick suggestions (Yeah I have some!!):

Quote:
Jeff glanced at me, and Alyssa looked where I was curiously.


Wording is weird. Perhaps, Jeff glanced at me and Alyssa followed my gaze.

When the wolves go to the bonfire and are dancing, you make it sound like they are in their human form. Which of course would make more sense seeing as how dancing wolves would probably be comical to watch. But there is one line where you talk about a tattooed wolf and that confuses me. If they are all in human form, don't use wolf to describe a character. Also why do they have these bonfires? And why would her Father force her to go to these get togethers?

Also in the previous chapter during the hunt you referred to Keith, Jeff, and Alyssa as your cousins. Now in this chapter everyone is evaluating everyone else, getting ready to mate. I'm sure cross-breeding is probably an every day occurence in wolf packs, but it is generally taboo among humans. And since these wolves are part human I think it would be good if you didn't have cousins doing cousins. (But you decide on that since you are the author)

Other than that, keep up the good work!!
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Edited*

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again, I only noticed on thing:

Quote:
Then the day drew to an abrupt end when I heard a sound, and looked up.


Comma after “Then”

Other than that, I felt this chapter was fast-paced. Which was a nice change as well. This is another chapter that I really enjoy. But I do think that you need to include more thoughts with your MC again. I know most of what she is thinking about…but not all. Try to slip more in.

Besides that, I really have nothing more to say. This chapter was really good. Another one of my favorites.

Keep up the good work, Kels!

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