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by mizindependent14 in Other Fiction


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This thread was created on July 2, 2008

Blackout

Topic ID: 32481

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scribblingquill
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356 Points

Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:49 pm Post subject: Blackout

lol. This was one of those weird life imitating art things, cause months after I wrote this I actually did black out at the Blackout (someone elbowed me hard in the temple and i was exhausted and dehydrated anyway ^_^). anyway this isn't a story or anything very polished, just a little idea I had and wanted to write a little prose on. Its kinda cheesy, but isn't all my stuff? ...been edited... -------------------------- The room is dark and smoky. Stuffy and incredibly hot. The music forces my heart to beat in sync as the band screams out their song. The lights flash and flicker, and I am swallowed in the crowd that jumps and sways. Faster faster. Jump, scream, move to the music. Lost in it. Faster! I feel everything with a sharpness. The music roaring in my ears, throbbing pain of various bruises and the staccato contact of different bodies, each as hot and sticky as my own, tossing me forcefully. Faster faster! My head has gone light, dizzy, and I can feel pins and needles creeping up my neck. The lights blink red-white-red-green and blurred swirls of colour flash around. I can’t tell if it’s my eyes or the lights. Suddenly my head goes hot then very cold and I begin to fall, as though my body just suddenly lost concentration. My mind is slow. Takes longer than safe to realise what’s happening. I’m falling? When did that happen? Somebody catches me and carries me away from the stage to the back. I can’t open my eyes. Everything is black and hot and cold and fierce but I feel jolts and a rhythmic up and down movement. I am nestled in someone’s arms, feet swept far from the ground. My rescuer is carrying me...up? I think. A flight of stairs, my mind supplies feebly. I feel cold, fresh, breathing air hits me and I begin to become aware again. I'm outside. I feel the cool cobbles under me, and an arm cradling my head. I open my eyes and see him, a look of worry and pain painted on his face, the inky sky behind his head holding a bright silver moon. He sees I am conscious and smiles. A broad, unstoppable smile that bleeds relief. He says nothing but his iridescent eyes say, “I thought I lost you."
_________________ i will be a hero. Save the cheerleader, save the world. Last edited by scribblingquill on Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:42 am; edited 2 times in total

chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:57 am Post subject:

It's a good short piece. But that's the problem. It's short. And very quick. I want to know more. Where exactly is she? Who are the people around her? What does everything look like? You need to describe more. Also, at the end, you need to elaborate more. Who is the rescuer? Does he know the narrator? What does he look like? Why did he think he lost her? What you have here is good, but with a bit more work, could become excellent if you just answer some more questions within your writing. Good luck!
_________________ Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry

scribblingquill
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356 Points

Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:58 am Post subject:

haha thanks. I know its really short. It was really just an idea for a situation to write about than an actual finished piece. I might go back and expand it, or encorporate in into another story or something.
_________________ i will be a hero. Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Azila
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject:

Hi!

I actually quite liked this. It's short -- yes -- but I like flash-fiction. Anyway, more of that later... first I'm gonna do some nitpicks.

Quote:

The music forces my heart to beat in rhythm as the band screams out their song.

I know what you're trying to say here (I have had that feeling myself) but the way you worded it was a bit awkward. Your heart naturally beats in rhythm... you know what I mean? I'm not sure exactly HOW you should reword it, but you definitely should. ^_~

Quote:

I feel everything with a sharpness. The music roaring in my ears, vague pain of various bruises and the staccato contact of different bodies, each as hot and sticky as my own, tossing me forcefully.

You're contradicting yourself here. One second, you say what she's feeling is sharp -- but the next second you say it's vague. Confused

Quote:

My head has gone light, dizzy and I can feel pins and needles creeping up my neck.

There should be a comma after "dizzy."

Quote:

My rescuer is carrying me up. A flight of stairs, my mind supplies feebly.

Two problems with these sentences: 1) In a half-fainted kind of state especially, you can't really tell that you're going up. The only thing that would tell you you're going up is the fact that you can feel you're on stairs. Do you get what I'm saying? 2) It's just plain awkward. Maybe try rewording it to something like "My rescuer is carrying me up. Up what, though? A flight of stairs, my mind supplies feebly."

Quote:

I feel cold, wonderful air hit me and I begin to become aware again.

For one thing, that should be "hits." For another thing, if I were you I'd try a different word than "wonderful." It's like you just wanted to find an adjective -- a positive adjective -- and you just picked the first that came to mind. How is the air wonderful? What about it is wonderful? Expand.

Quote:

A broad unstoppable smile that bleeds relief.

There should be a comma after "broad." Other than that, though, this is a terrific sentence!

Quote:

He says nothing but his iridescent eyes say, “I thought I lost you,”.

Something's wrong with the punctuation here. The comma after "you" should be a period and the period outside the quotes should be gone. All punctuation goes inside the quotes -- it's kind of the law. Very Happy

________________________________________________

Overall Impressions

I definitely agree that you need to elaborate on what happened. Right now, this piece is a great exercise for description and emotion. If that's all you wanted it to be, then it's fine -- it's an excerpt, an experiment. But if you want it to be a real stand-alone story, you really should expand. For example, who IS the rescuer? Does the main character already know him? If so, what is their relationship (friends, employee/employer, girlfriend/boyfriend, sibling, etc)? And what does he mean, in the end, by saying "I thought I lost you?" Didn't she just pass out? When you say "I thought I lost you," that implies that he thought she was dead -- or dieing.

I know you say that this isn't a real story, but with just a tad more love, it could be. I think the end is really the only part you'd need to modify.

I know I can be confusing sometimes, so please feel free to PM me with questions/comments!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

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"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue)

[deleted3]
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject:

"Takes longer than safe to realise what’s happening." --Takes longer than safe? "I begin to become aware again." --beginning and becoming? I'd re-word that those two words are kinda redudant. Other than those two little things this was a nice read. Vague and vivid and I like your description of the beginning of the dizziness.
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This thread was created on July 2, 2008

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