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omsvmars22
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 53 Reviews: 39 Country: America for three more years then it's "Hello Oxford!" 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: Aphrodite's Daughter |
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Okay, so this is my first part of the first story that I have deemed good enough to be read by the extremely talented people here so...I hope you enjoy it.
All comments and critics are welcome and I hope that you tell me whats wrong because I know its a mess *hangs head in embarrassment*
Once again I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading the first part!
******
The night was pitch black, the only light around were the beams that emitted from his head lights to through the smooth black pavement into relief. Leo started dully out the windshield as the trees went flicking past disappearing into the unusually velvet night. His gaze dropped to his dashboard where green numbers glared at him to say that it was two twenty-five am. His shift at the hospital started in five minutes and he was still a solid fifteen away. His foot pushed down harder on the gas pedal so that the trees outside the window turned into a green blur. The tan Sudan sped down the deserted highway trying to reach the pale lights of the city not yet close enough to provide any illuminations to the starless and moonless night. Leo cursed under his breath, cursing the gods for giving him the night shift, cursing the gods for not having a closer apartment. Leo’s Sudan executed a sharp u-turn at that moment his speeding car not able to slow in time for the pair of headlights that now came at him. Leo was aware of loud crunch, a grinding and a high screech that twined with metal grating that made his ears cry from the pain. The last thing Leo was conscious of thinking was that the gods really did not appreciate being cursed.
Leo’s head spun. His nose smarted from the smell of bleach that surrounded him. He could see red that filled his vision to tell him that bright light hid behind them. He was laying down in an uncomfortable bed, his head slightly raised by a pillow. He could feel the twisting of many plastic tubes around his arms all connected to the machines next to him that beeped and buzzed at a steady rhythm. His right side felt stiff and sore, along with his right leg, and arm, both in casts. He could only guess the bones were broken. Leo took a deep breath as he mentally assessed his condition, he was in the hospital, that much was obvious. He racked his mind trying to remember what had happened to him, it took only moments for the headlights to find him had make everything come back to him in pain staking clarity, his mind rioting against the memories, the agony ripping through him with the force of thousands of deadly knives. Leo felt his dark mahogany curly hair become matted to his forehead form the sweat that dewed there even though logic told Leo there was nothing more to fear. He felt a familiar wave of guilt wash over him that he was tormented by every time his cowardliness came to taunt him. He fought it off wishing that he could control his weaknesses, he sighed, he was nothing more then a mere human, one it appeared the gods did not favor. Leo chewed back the bile that now seared his throat, pulling his eyes tighter shut as he strained his ears waiting, he needed to be free from his own head. He did not have to wait long until he could hear the hum of human voices nearing his room, he still had not opened his eyes. He heard the door creek open gently, and feel many eyes on his still non-moving face. Leo gave a sigh, and then moaned when this action caused him pain. Leo allowed his eyelids to flutter open, in order to meet the now anxious gazes that now surely awaited him. He was expecting to see the faces of his family, a doctor or two among them, the faces of his friends. What he saw caught him off guard and erased all train of thought. In the doorway was the most beautiful women he had ever seen in his life. Nothing could compare to her, of that he was quickly and absolutely sure. She was in her mid-twenties he quickly speculated, very tall, maybe five-eleven. She had golden hair, the color looked like it was liquefied metal. He would not have been at all surprised to be told that actual gold sprouted from her head, it came down to frame her impossibly small waist. If possible her face was even prettier then her hair. She had prominent cheek bones and a rounded chin, her nose was small and dead center on her perfect face. Rosy cheeks that put blushes to shame colored her, she had sculpted full lips that were twisted up into an angelic smile. Her eyes held him prisoner with their unearthly beauty and he never wanted to break free, her eyes were soft lavender, the color he had only seen in the early night sky. Around the irises were circles of deep electric blue. If he was not already laying down he was sure that his knees would have given him away. The gods were taunting him surely, never could he justify himself getting to obtain something so unearthly beautiful. He felt something sharp hit him in his side, only the needle sharp pain could have made him look away from the women’s eyes, he not even look for the pain, he looked out of pure shock. Leo looked out of his bemused hazel eyes up into a face he almost did not recognize even though it was a face he knew well.
“You gave me a scare for a while there, Leo. Mind you, I was about ready to knock you all the way out myself when they call me out and its you they loaded on the emergency stretcher.” Leo looked by into his friend’s face, his thoughts still muddled. His friend was bowed over him checking the tubes and monitors. He did not need to see his face to know the expression that would be on it. Patrick was Irish to his very core, in keeping with his heritage he had bright red hair, cropped short that exposed the back of his neck to very pale skin blemished by many tiny freckles that were a constant on his skin and cover every inch of his skin, including his face. His face held a straight pink line that this gentle giant used as mouth. Patrick had a big round nose, a rounder boyish face, and wide innocent green eyes.
Patrick chuckled, his eyes following Leos that had returned to the doorway that still held the breath-taking woman.
“Patrick, this is Melody, she has been helping around the hospital lately…since, well…” Patrick seemed reluctant to go on. Leo hatefully took his eyes off the woman again to transfer his gaze to his friends face, he raised his eyebrows, he understood.
“She has been helping since my accident.” Leo finished the sentence.
“And, um, how long has that been?” Leo asked, having to look down at the spotless gleaming tiled floor while he waited for an answer he did not want. Patrick cleared his throat before he said “We had to keep you heavily sedated Leo, you were in a lot of pain…and you had to have surgery. Leo?” Leo was glaring at the floor,
“How long?” Leo’s voice was harsh.
“Just under a month, Leo.” Patrick barely whispered. Leo leaned his head back, breathing hard. A month. It seemed an unimaginable time to be completely oblivious, and yet he did not know why he was having such a difficult time accepting it. He saw this kind of thing every day he did his job, people who went by weeks and months unknowing…then there were the people who never woke up from such trauma, people who stayed in the black abyss, the coma patients. An involuntary shiver ran down his spine as he turned over the thought that he might never have woken up. Keen to move on to other topics he met the stare of Melody more than willingly.
“How are you feeling?” Melody asked. Another shiver ran down his spine, this time from pleasure. Her voice was like wind chimes, a musical murmur in the wind, a warm wind that licked his ears on the beach. He realized that his mouth was gaping open, snapping it shut, a pink warmed Leo’s fair skin.
“I feel fine.” Leo lied quickly determined not to break eye contact, even though his every particle was screaming at him to rip out his wires and run from the room. She smiled again and walked over with such grace that it belonged on a stage, he was sure that angels themselves looked down with jealousy at her gait. Suddenly a loud annoying ring filled the small windowless room. Patrick scowled down at his belt wear his pager was demanding his attention, Patrick gave it one look of disgust before he said in a slow voice,
“I have to take this…will you be okay Leo?” Before Leo could even give a nod Melody’s voice was quicker, “Don’t worry Patrick, I’ll stay with him.” Leo could not deny that the warmth that started in his stomach and made its way to his fingertips was from her words and the knowledge that he got to be alone with her, even for just a brief time. Patrick nodded to himself and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Swallowing the butterflies that now danced the tango in his throat he gave his eyes what they screamed for, Melody’s face. Melody was looking down at him with polite interest, some deep emotion buried deep in her beyond gorgeous eyes. When she spoke her voice was controlled, “So, why were you speeding?” Leo cringed. He did not want this beautiful creature to feel the responsibility of forcing conversation with him.
“I’m sorry, I did not want to be rude.” Melody amended, her face clouded. Leo moaned in his head, he must be making a great first impression, not even able to answer a simple question.
“No, no, you weren’t being rude. I was late, for my shift. It was stupid, I have been late before. I was pushing my luck going that fast, thinking that no one else would be traveling that way.” Leo’s mind wandered back to that night in the car, no, he pulled his mind back to the present, he would not let himself miss one second of being with Melody, drinking in the vision, filling his nose with her floral sent, feeling the skin on his arm burn alive where her hand rested. He smiled up at her reassuringly, gliding over his stupidity was a skill he had learned well. Her answering smile was dazzling.
“Oh well,” Leo joked, “I’m sure if I am in this good of shape then my car must be fit enough to race in NASCAR.” Melody giggled, the sound of harp strings would have been a more appropriate description of the sound then a giggle. Before Leo could help himself he was laughing with her, soprano and base, in perfect harmony. |
_________________ It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea |
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lhighton
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 27 Apr 2008 Posts: 228 Reviews: 88 Country: England 572 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Awh, you're too modest! It was wonderfully good.
Wording = great. Lay-out = great. Idea = great. Imagery = perfect.
One thing, though... you should consider the length of your paragraphs. It's a bit heavy-going for the average Joe. Especially if you're sat at the computer on an insufferably hard chair.
I think the characters have much potential and are just waiting to be unravelled. Also, the dialogue looks as though it has been carefully considered and not spun out in a moment. The ratio of prose to dialogue is just the right balance.
At first, I was thinking it needed more action, but then I considered that as an opening it settles us in and relaxes us. Clearly, this isn't going to be a fast-paced thriller, and good, because I nearly always hate those.
That's it from me. Sorry this is a but short and swift. Will look forward to further additions. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 472 Reviews: 81 Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out. 369 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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this was a very good piece. well crafted and perfectly descriptive...
i agree with ihighton that your paragraphs were a bit long...that could really bother certain people, it didnt bother me, but i'm sure someone could find fault with it...
just watch that. everything else was great.
your characters were well put out for a beginning...and are ready to be developed later on...
your imagery is wonderful. i could picture everything...just watch...i thought you were going to go overboard with describing Leo's friend...but you didnt (almost did, however).
overall, wonderful
keep writing!
-GC10 |
_________________ "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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omsvmars22
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 53 Reviews: 39 Country: America for three more years then it's "Hello Oxford!" 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:18 am Post subject: |
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Ihighton: Thank you so much for reviewing my piece. I will work on making my paragraphs shorter(this is a constant struggle for me)
You are much too kind!
I actually am sitting in a hard chair...how did you know?
Thanks again!
gamechanger10: Also thank you for reviewing my piece. I never know if a paragraph is too short or too long so I usually just make them long, I will work on this. Sometimes I can't help myself when I descripe things (Leo's friend) I will watch this to make sure I don't cross the line. Thanks for the warning...
You make me smile! Thank you again! |
_________________ It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea |
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Night Mistress
a lover of vampires Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 848 Reviews: 197 Country: USA 1856 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
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that's really interesting.
Everything is great! i don't anything wrong with this chapter. i hope you continue writing. good luck. i will be reading the others. |
_________________ "you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"
Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love. |
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ProfessorRabbit
+4 to hit Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 25 Jun 2008 Posts: 790 Reviews: 47 Country: Dictionopolis 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:15 pm Post subject: |
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You say that you never know whether a paragraph is too short or too long. Just a hint: when reading on a computer screen, shorter is better. I'll suggest some paragraph breaks in this review, to help you out.
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The night was pitch black, the only light around were the beams that emitted from his head lights to through the smooth black pavement into relief. Leo started dully out the windshield as the trees went flicking past disappearing into the unusually velvet night. His gaze dropped to his dashboard where green numbers glared at him to say that it was two twenty-five am. His shift at the hospital started in five minutes and he was still a solid fifteen away. His foot pushed down harder on the gas pedal so that the trees outside the window turned into a green blur. The tan Sudan sped down the deserted highway trying to reach the pale lights of the city not yet close enough to provide any illuminations to the starless and moonless night. Leo cursed under his breath, cursing the gods for giving him the night shift, cursing the gods for not having a closer apartment. Leo’s Sudan executed a sharp u-turn at that moment his speeding car not able to slow in time for the pair of headlights that now came at him. Leo was aware of loud crunch, a grinding and a high screech that twined with metal grating that made his ears cry from the pain. The last thing Leo was conscious of thinking was that the gods really did not appreciate being cursed.
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That first sentence there is two sentences separated by a comma instead of a period. I'd reword the second half, so that the line reads something like this:
"The night was pitch black, a darkness broken only by the beams that emitted from a pair of headlights, throwing the smooth, black pavement into stark relief."
Don't say "his headlights," because we haven't met the character yet.
Second sentence is good. Put a comma between "past" and "disappearing."
"Leo cursed under his breath, cursing the gods for giving him the night shift, cursing the gods for not having a closer apartment."
You use the phrase "cursing the gods" twice in this same sentence. Try a little variety. Here's a suggestion:
"Leo cursed under his breath, cursing the gods for giving him the night shift, and for the fact that his apartment was so far away."
One last thing about this paragraph: All your sentences start with "Leo," "He" or "The." I would recomment that you restructure at least half of them, to give your writing more variety.
| Quote: |
Leo’s head spun. His nose smarted from the smell of bleach that surrounded him. He could see red that filled his vision to tell him that bright light hid behind them. He was laying down in an uncomfortable bed, his head slightly raised by a pillow. He could feel the twisting of many plastic tubes around his arms all connected to the machines next to him that beeped and buzzed at a steady rhythm. His right side felt stiff and sore, along with his right leg, and arm, both in casts. He could only guess the bones were broken. Leo took a deep breath as he mentally assessed his condition, he was in the hospital, that much was obvious. He racked his mind trying to remember what had happened to him, it took only moments for the headlights to find him had make everything come back to him in pain staking clarity, his mind rioting against the memories, the agony ripping through him with the force of thousands of deadly knives. Leo felt his dark mahogany curly hair become matted to his forehead form the sweat that dewed there even though logic told Leo there was nothing more to fear. He felt a familiar wave of guilt wash over him that he was tormented by every time his cowardliness came to taunt him. He fought it off wishing that he could control his weaknesses, he sighed, he was nothing more then a mere human, one it appeared the gods did not favor. Leo chewed back the bile that now seared his throat, pulling his eyes tighter shut as he strained his ears waiting, he needed to be free from his own head. He did not have to wait long until he could hear the hum of human voices nearing his room, he still had not opened his eyes. He heard the door creek open gently, and feel many eyes on his still non-moving face. Leo gave a sigh, and then moaned when this action caused him pain. Leo allowed his eyelids to flutter open, in order to meet the now anxious gazes that now surely awaited him. He was expecting to see the faces of his family, a doctor or two among them, the faces of his friends. What he saw caught him off guard and erased all train of thought. In the doorway was the most beautiful women he had ever seen in his life. Nothing could compare to her, of that he was quickly and absolutely sure. She was in her mid-twenties he quickly speculated, very tall, maybe five-eleven. She had golden hair, the color looked like it was liquefied metal. He would not have been at all surprised to be told that actual gold sprouted from her head, it came down to frame her impossibly small waist. If possible her face was even prettier then her hair. She had prominent cheek bones and a rounded chin, her nose was small and dead center on her perfect face. Rosy cheeks that put blushes to shame colored her, she had sculpted full lips that were twisted up into an angelic smile. Her eyes held him prisoner with their unearthly beauty and he never wanted to break free, her eyes were soft lavender, the color he had only seen in the early night sky. Around the irises were circles of deep electric blue. If he was not already laying down he was sure that his knees would have given him away. The gods were taunting him surely, never could he justify himself getting to obtain something so unearthly beautiful. He felt something sharp hit him in his side, only the needle sharp pain could have made him look away from the women’s eyes, he not even look for the pain, he looked out of pure shock. Leo looked out of his bemused hazel eyes up into a face he almost did not recognize even though it was a face he knew well.
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"He could see red that filled his vision to tell him that bright light hid behind them."
This sentence is a little weird, and you don't specify the noun that goes with "them." Try something like this:
"His vision was filled with red, telling him that a bright light existed on the other side of his eyelids."
"He could feel the twisting of many plastic tubes around his arms all connected to the machines next to him that beeped and buzzed at a steady rhythm."
Comma between "arms" and "all."
"His right side felt stiff and sore, along with his right leg, and arm, both in casts."
Try:
"His right side felt stiff and sore, as well as his right led and arm, both of which were in casts."
"Leo took a deep breath as he mentally assessed his condition, he was in the hospital, that much was obvious."
Split this into two sentences.
"Leo took a deep breath as he mentally assessed his condition. He was in the hospital, that much was obvious."
"He racked his mind trying to remember what had happened to him, it took only moments for the headlights to find him had make everything come back to him in pain staking clarity, his mind rioting against the memories, the agony ripping through him with the force of thousands of deadly knives."
"Racked" should be "wracked," and you've got a couple of sentences all mixed up into one, here.
"He wracked his mind, trying to remember what had happened to him, and it took only moments for the headlights to find him, bringing everything back to him in painful clarity. His mind rioted against the memories, causing agony to rip through him with the force of thousands of deadly knives."
I'd put a paragraphs break here.
"He felt a familiar wave of guilt wash over him that he was tormented by every time his cowardliness came to taunt him."
"He felt a familiar wave of guilt wash over him, as he was tormented by the memories of each time that his cowardliness had come to taunt him."
"He fought it off wishing that he could control his weaknesses, he sighed, he was nothing more then a mere human, one it appeared the gods did not favor. Leo chewed back the bile that now seared his throat, pulling his eyes tighter shut as he strained his ears waiting, he needed to be free from his own head. He did not have to wait long until he could hear the hum of human voices nearing his room, he still had not opened his eyes."
You keep using commas in place of periods, and leaving them out where they're needed. See if you can spot the differences between your sentences up there, and me revisions below, and then practice fixing this problem in your writing.
"He fought it off, wishing that he could controll his weaknesses. He sighed; he was nothing more than a mere human, and one, it appeared, that the gods did not favor. Leo chewed back the bile that now seared his throat, pulling his eyes more tightly shut as he strained his ears, waiting. He needed to be free from his own head. He did not have to wait long until he could hear the hum of human voices nearing his room, though he still did not open his eyes."
I'd put a paragraph break here.
"He heard the door creek open gently, and feel many eyes on his still non-moving face. Leo gave a sigh, and then moaned when this action caused him pain. Leo allowed his eyelids to flutter open, in order to meet the now anxious gazes that now surely awaited him. He was expecting to see the faces of his family, a doctor or two among them, the faces of his friends. What he saw caught him off guard and erased all train of thought."
"Feel" should be "felt." "Non-moving" might be better replaced with "unmoving."
Also, I'd put another paragraph here.
"In the doorway was the most beautiful women he had ever seen in his life. Nothing could compare to her, of that he was quickly and absolutely sure. She was in her mid-twenties he quickly speculated, very tall, maybe five-eleven. She had golden hair, the color looked like it was liquefied metal. He would not have been at all surprised to be told that actual gold sprouted from her head, it came down to frame her impossibly small waist. If possible her face was even prettier then her hair. She had prominent cheek bones and a rounded chin, her nose was small and dead center on her perfect face. Rosy cheeks that put blushes to shame colored her, she had sculpted full lips that were twisted up into an angelic smile. Her eyes held him prisoner with their unearthly beauty and he never wanted to break free, her eyes were soft lavender, the color he had only seen in the early night sky. Around the irises were circles of deep electric blue."
Good line, there, now that I've put it at the beginning of a paragraph. Strong lines should go at beginnings and ends, as they tend to get lost in the middle. Now, let's work on her description. Try to cut out unnecessary words.
"She had golden hair, the color looked like it was liquefied metal" becomes, "She had hair the color of liquid gold." Doesn't that sound better? Cut the next sentence entirely. You're also still splitting sentences with commas. I'm not going to pick apart this whole paragraph, because once you've split up your sentences and cut the extraneous words, you'll have made a better description on your own. Try it.
"If he was not already laying down he was sure that his knees would have given him away."
How about just saying that his knees "would have given way?" That sounds a little better. Otherwise, good ending line for a description.
I'd start a new paragraph here.
"The gods were taunting him surely, never could he justify himself getting to obtain something so unearthly beautiful. He felt something sharp hit him in his side, only the needle sharp pain could have made him look away from the women’s eyes, he not even look for the pain, he looked out of pure shock. Leo looked out of his bemused hazel eyes up into a face he almost did not recognize even though it was a face he knew well."
Try moving "surely" to the beginning of that first sentence and using a semi-colon instead of a comma.
"Surely, the gods were taunting him; never could he justigy obtaining something of such unearthly beauty." See, much better this way. The middle sentence should be split into at least two separate sentences, but that last line is a good one, makes the reader pause for a moment and say, "what?"
| Quote: |
“You gave me a scare for a while there, Leo. Mind you, I was about ready to knock you all the way out myself when they call me out and its you they loaded on the emergency stretcher.” Leo looked by into his friend’s face, his thoughts still muddled. His friend was bowed over him checking the tubes and monitors. He did not need to see his face to know the expression that would be on it. Patrick was Irish to his very core, in keeping with his heritage he had bright red hair, cropped short that exposed the back of his neck to very pale skin blemished by many tiny freckles that were a constant on his skin and cover every inch of his skin, including his face. His face held a straight pink line that this gentle giant used as mouth. Patrick had a big round nose, a rounder boyish face, and wide innocent green eyes. |
Indicate who's talking after the dialogue, and then start a new paragraph when the focus switches back to Leo as he describes Patrick.
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| "Patrick chuckled, his eyes following Leos that had returned to the doorway that still held the breath-taking woman. |
Try "where the breath-taking woman still stood."
| Quote: |
| “And, um, how long has that been?” Leo asked, having to look down at the spotless gleaming tiled floor while he waited for an answer he did not want. Patrick cleared his throat before he said “We had to keep you heavily sedated Leo, you were in a lot of pain…and you had to have surgery. Leo?” Leo was glaring at the floor, |
Comma between "spotless" and "gleaming." Then, start a new paragraph when Patrick starts talking. Remove that last line and put it at the beginning of the next paragraph, as I illustrate below:
"Leo glared at the floor. "How long?" His voice was harsh.
It gets a little better at the end, so I'm just going to give you a list of things to work on, okay?
1. Commas
You're leaving out commas when you need them, and using them in other places when you should be using periods instead. Try splitting up those run-on sentences, and using commas when there should be pauses.
2. Variety
Most of your sentences start with nouns and pronouns. Try to use some different structures, for more variety.
3. Dialogue
Don't forget, when a new character starts talking, you need a new paragraph. You should also start a new paragraph when the focus changes from one character to another.
I hope I wasn't too harsh for you, oms. You just need to practice a little, that's all. Oh, and when you're talking about sounds, by the way, it's "bass," not "base." |
_________________ Frylock, please, no books! I can't read; I'm not a loser!
-Master Shake |
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magiclukehutch
Senior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 05 Aug 2006 Posts: 127 Reviews: 45 Country: Scotland 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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| This doesn't grip me at all. It might be that I don't like romantic stories, but this doesn't grip me at all. |
_________________ Always happy to help! |
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colourless-rainbow
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 03 Jul 2008 Posts: 18 Reviews: 9 Country: England 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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wow. that second paragraph is LONG and to be honest, there was so much text I struggled to read it.
Try breaking it up a bit?
| omsvmars22 wrote: |
| He fought it off wishing that he could control his weaknesses, he sighed, he was nothing more then a mere human, one it appeared the gods did not favor. |
Here, I think you should chose either "he was nothing more than a human" or "he was a mere human." Using both just seems like you're repeating yourself
| omsvmars22 wrote: |
| “I feel fine.” Leo lied quickly determined not to break eye contact, even though his every particle was screaming at him to rip out his wires and run from the room. |
I don't quite get why he wants to run from the run and also wants to keep eye contact? Maybe I'm just being dense, haha.
Overall though, I'm interested in where this is going to go, and I'd like to see more =] |
_________________ I live life as I wobble =] |
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Bittersweet
R.I.P. Holly 1995-2008 (aka, I won NaNo). Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 21 May 2008 Posts: 289 Reviews: 85 Country: United States 732 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hello omvsmars22! Welcome to YWS! So, first I'm going to dive into the not-so-fun stuff. Hee hee. I noticed a lot of silly little mistakes and such, but I've found when people pointed those out for me it helped my writing a lot. So I shall do the same.
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The night was pitch black, the only light around were the beams that emitted from his head lights to through the smooth black pavement into relief.
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Because this is the first sentence, I feel that the pronoun "his" is misplaced. Generally with these kinds of stories, the first sentence or two usually describe just the setting. Which you've almost done, but that "his" in there kind of throws things off, if you see what I mean. Maybe reword it so it's just like "emitted from the headlights of the car, yada yada..."
Also I think putting a semicolon between "black" and "the" in the beginning of this sentence would make it flow a lot better. And two more small things; "were" should be "was" and you can get rid of the "to" between "lights" and "through".
| Quote: |
| Leo started dully out the windshield as the trees went flicking past disappearing into the unusually velvet night. |
I think you mean "stared". Put a comma between "past" and "disappearing". Also, I suggest changing "flicking" to "flitting" maybe? Flicking is the wrong word for what you meant, I think.
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| him to say that it was two twenty-five am |
While putting "AM" is okay in some things, it is not okay for writing. It's much much better to say "in the morning".
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| The tan Sudan sped down the deserted highway trying to reach the pale lights of the city not yet close enough to provide any illuminations to the starless and moonless night. |
When reading this aloud, it is quite a mouthful. Perhaps shorten it to two sentences so it reads: The tan Sudan sped down the deserted highway, trying to reach the pale lights of the city. They were not yet close enough to provide any illuminations to the starless and moonless night. Sounds much much better, right? Also, put a comma between "highway" and "trying".
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| Leo cursed under his breath, cursing the gods for giving him the night shift, cursing the gods for not having a closer apartment. |
You just used the word "curse" three times in this sentence, whatever the tense they are in. Reword one or two of those.
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| The last thing Leo was conscious of thinking was that the gods really did not appreciate being cursed. |
Heh! Funny! Those gods have quite the sense of humor.
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| Leo felt his dark mahogany curly hair become matted |
Take out "hair" and replace "curly" with "curls". It sounds better that way.
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| He fought it off wishing that he could control his weaknesses, he sighed, he was nothing more then a mere human, one it appeared the gods did not favor. |
That could be two sentences right there.
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| He would not have been at all surprised to be told that actual gold sprouted from her head, it came down to frame her impossibly small waist. |
Whoa, that's an awkward sentence. Rephrasing would do the trick.
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| Rosy cheeks that put blushes to shame colored her, |
Er... what?
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| He felt something sharp hit him in his side, only the needle sharp pain could have made him look away from the women’s eyes, he not even look for the pain, he looked out of pure shock. |
I'm lost...
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| Leo looked out of his bemused hazel eyes up into a face he almost did not recognize even though it was a face he knew well. |
Can you look out of your own eyes...?
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| pale skin blemished by many tiny freckles |
Psh, freckles are totally not blemishes. Freckles rock. xD
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| Patrick chuckled, his eyes following Leos |
Apostrophe alert!
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| Leo hatefully took his eyes off the woman again to transfer his gaze to his friends face, he raised his eyebrows, he understood. |
Run-on sentence! Also, when you say "hatefully" it makes me think that he's giving the lady a hateful look just as he's removing his gaze... reword, maybe?
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| “I feel fine.” Leo lied quickly determined not to break eye contact, |
Ahh! Comma alert!
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| his belt wear his pager |
Where.
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| they screamed for, Melody’s face. |
Ah, semicolons, my friend. Every writer's dearest companion. Use them to your advantage. lol
Whew! -wipes brow- That was a looong one! Anyway, this is the interesting stuff, so pay close attention. This piece is very nice. You have some excellent figurative language scattered here and there. What you really need to work on is your editing skills. Read through a piece before submitting it at least twice and fix any mistakes. You won't get all of them, but it leaves a good impression on fellow YWSers, and gives them less to correct. Also, work on your punctuation. There were more than just a few places where you needed a comma or semicolon, and I only pointed out one or two. But, when you look past all that, this is a lovely story. You describe his feelings for Melody very well, and everything is believable. I hope I was of help, and PM when you've submitted the second installment! I should like to read it!
Holly |
_________________ "You are in love with impossibility."- Antigone
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ashleylee
You belong with me Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 1208 Reviews: 692 Country: some place that I can only dream about 895 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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All I did was copy/paste your story. All the corrections are in bold.
The night was pitch black, the only light around were the beams that emitted from his head lights[“head lights” should be one word.]to through the smooth black pavement into relief Leo started ”started”?? Do you mean “stared”?? dully out the windshield as the trees went flicking past disappearing into the unusually velvet night. His gaze dropped to his dashboard where green numbers glared at him to say that it was two twenty-five am. His shift at the hospital started in five minutes and he was still a solid fifteen away. His foot pushed down harder on the gas pedal so that the trees outside the window turned into a green blur. [I think “feet” would sound better than “foot”, but I realize that that doesn’t entirely make sense so scratch that ] The tan Sudan sped down the deserted highway trying to reach the pale lights of the city not yet close enough to provide any illuminations to the starless and moonless night. Leo cursed under his breath, cursing the gods for giving him the night shift, cursing the gods for not having a closer apartment. Leo’s Sudan executed a sharp u-turn at that moment his speeding car not able to slow in time for the pair of headlights that now came at him. Leo was aware of loud crunch, a grinding and a high screech that twined with metal grating that made his ears cry from the pain. The last thing Leo was conscious of thinking was that the gods really did not appreciate being cursed.
Leo’s head spun. His nose smarted from the smell of bleach that surrounded him. He could see red that filled his vision to tell him that bright light hid behind them. He was laying down in an uncomfortable bed, his head slightly raised by a pillow. He could feel the twisting of many plastic tubes around his arms all connected to the machines next to him that beeped and buzzed at a steady rhythm. His right side felt stiff and sore, along with his right leg, and arm, both in casts. He could only guess the bones were broken. Leo took a deep breath as he mentally assessed his condition, [semicolon instead of a comma here after “condition”] he was in the hospital, that much was obvious. He racked his mind trying to remember what had happened to him, it took only moments for the headlights to find him had make everything come back to him in pain staking clarity, his mind rioting against the memories, the agony ripping through him with the force of thousands of deadly knives. [Super long sentence here. I would try changing the comma after “him” to a semicolon. That might help. Otherwise, the sentence overall is very good ] Leo felt his dark mahogany curly hair [A lot of description here. Try moving “curly” after “dark”. That way it might flow better.] become matted to his forehead form [“from” instead of “form”] the sweat that dewed there even though logic told Leo there was nothing more to fear. He felt a familiar wave of guilt wash over him that he was tormented by every time his cowardliness came to taunt him. He fought it off wishing that he could control his weaknesses, he sighed, he was nothing more then a mere human, one it appeared the gods did not favor. Leo chewed back the bile that now seared his throat, pulling his eyes tighter shut as he strained his ears waiting, [semicolon instead of a comma here] he needed to be free from his own head. [start new paragraph here] He did not have to wait long until he could hear the hum of human voices nearing his room, [semicolon instead of a comma] he still had not opened his eyes. He heard the door creek open gently, and feel [“felt” instead of “feel”] many eyes on his still non-moving face. Leo gave a sigh, and then moaned when this action caused him pain. Leo allowed his eyelids to flutter open, in order to meet the now anxious gazes that now surely awaited him. [Lots of “nows” here in this sentence. Needs rewording.] He was expecting to see the faces of his family, a doctor or two among them, the faces of his friends. What he saw caught him off guard and erased all train of thought. [start new paragraph here] In the doorway was the most beautiful women he had ever seen in his life. Nothing could compare to her, of that he was quickly and absolutely sure. She was in her mid-twenties he quickly speculated, very tall, maybe five-eleven. She had golden hair, the color looked like it was liquefied metal. He would not have been at all surprised to be told that actual gold sprouted from her head, [semicolon instead of a comma. Or start a new sentence.] it came down to frame her impossibly small waist. If possible her face was even prettier then her hair. She had prominent cheek bones and a rounded chin, [semicolon instead of a comma] her nose was small and dead center on her perfect face. Rosy cheeks that put blushes to shame colored her, [semicolon instead of a comma] she had sculpted full lips that were twisted up into an angelic smile. Her eyes held him prisoner with their unearthly beauty and he never wanted to break free, [semicolon instead of a comma] her eyes were soft lavender, the color he had only seen in the early night sky. Around the irises were circles of deep electric blue. If he was not already laying down he was sure that his knees would have given him away. The gods were taunting him surely, never could he justify himself getting to obtain something so unearthly beautiful. He felt something sharp hit him in his side, only the needle sharp pain could have made him look away from the women’s eyes, he not even look for the pain, he looked out of pure shock. Leo looked out of his bemused hazel eyes up into a face he almost did not recognize even though it was a face he knew well.
“You gave me a scare for a while there, Leo. Mind you, I was about ready to knock you all the way out myself when they call me out and its you they loaded on the emergency stretcher.” Leo looked by into his friend’s face, his thoughts still muddled. His friend was bowed over him checking the tubes and monitors. He did not need to see his face to know the expression that would be on it. Patrick was Irish to his very core, in keeping with his heritage he had bright red hair, cropped short that exposed the back of his neck to very pale skin blemished by many tiny freckles that were a constant on his skin and cover every inch of his skin, including his face. [skin, skin, and more skin. Very repetitive in the previous sentence. Need to make smoother. A rewording is suggested] His face held a straight pink line that this gentle giant used as mouth. Patrick had a big round nose, a rounder boyish face, and wide innocent green eyes.
Patrick chuckled, his eyes following Leos [“Leo’s” instead of “Leos”] that had returned to the doorway that still held the breath-taking woman.
“Patrick, this is Melody, she has been helping around the hospital lately…since, well…” Patrick seemed reluctant to go on. Leo hatefully took his eyes off the woman again to transfer his gaze to his friends face, he raised his eyebrows, he understood.
“She has been helping since my accident.” Leo finished the sentence.
“And, um, how long has that been?” Leo asked, having to look down at the spotless gleaming tiled floor while he waited for an answer he did not want. Patrick cleared his throat before he said “We had to keep you heavily sedated Leo, you were in a lot of pain…and you had to have surgery. Leo?” Leo was glaring at the floor,
“How long?” Leo’s voice was harsh.
“Just under a month, Leo.” [comma instead of a period after “Leo”] Patrick barely whispered. Leo leaned his head back, breathing hard. A month. It seemed an unimaginable time to be completely oblivious, and yet he did not know why he was having such a difficult time accepting it. He saw this kind of thing every day he did his job, people who went by weeks and months unknowing…then there were the people who never woke up from such trauma, people who stayed in the black abyss, the coma patients. An involuntary shiver ran down his spine as he turned over the thought that he might never have woken up. Keen to move on to other topics he met the stare of Melody more than willingly.
“How are you feeling?” Melody asked. Another shiver ran down his spine, this time from pleasure. Her voice was like wind chimes, a musical murmur in the wind, a warm wind that licked his ears on the beach. He realized that his mouth was gaping open, snapping it shut, a pink warmed Leo’s fair skin.
“I feel fine.” [comma instead of a period after “fine”] Leo lied quickly determined not to break eye contact, even though his every particle was screaming at him to rip out his wires and run from the room. She smiled again and walked over with such grace that it belonged on a stage, he was sure that angels themselves looked down with jealousy at her gait. Suddenly a loud annoying ring filled the small windowless room. Patrick scowled down at his belt wear his pager was demanding his attention, Patrick gave it one look of disgust before he said in a slow voice,
“I have to take this…will you be okay[comma] Leo?” Before Leo could even give a nod Melody’s voice was quicker, “Don’t worry [comma] Patrick, I’ll stay with him.” Leo could not deny that the warmth that started in his stomach and made its way to his fingertips was from her words and the knowledge that he got to be alone with her, even for just a brief time. Patrick nodded to himself and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Swallowing the butterflies that now danced the tango in his throat [very good description here. “Danced the tango!” lol very good] he gave his eyes what they screamed for, Melody’s face. Melody was looking down at him with polite interest, some deep emotion buried deep in her beyond gorgeous eyes. When she spoke her voice was controlled, “So, why were you speeding?” Leo cringed. He did not want this beautiful creature to feel the responsibility of forcing conversation with him.
“I’m sorry, I did not want to be rude.” [comma instead of a period after “rude”] Melody amended, her face clouded. Leo moaned in his head, [semicolon instead of a comma] he must be making a great first impression, not even able to answer a simple question.
“No, no, you weren’t being rude. I was late, [no need for a comma here] for my shift. It was stupid, I have been late before. I was pushing my luck going that fast, thinking that no one else would be traveling that way.” Leo’s mind wandered back to that night in the car, no, he pulled his mind back to the present, he would not let himself miss one second of being with Melody, drinking in the vision, filling his nose with her floral sent, feeling the skin on his arm burn alive where her hand rested. He smiled up at her reassuringly, gliding over his stupidity was a skill he had learned well. Her answering smile was dazzling.
“Oh well,” Leo joked, “I’m sure if I am in this good of shape then my car must be fit enough to race in NASCAR.” Melody giggled, the sound of harp strings would have been a more appropriate description of the sound then a giggle. Before Leo could help himself he was laughing with her, soprano and base, in perfect harmony.
This was decent. But it was hard to read with such an…interesting sentence structure. It’s like you combine two to three sentences together with just commas…it is really quite odd. You need to start using semicolons instead of commas. I pointed out most of them, but reading out loud to yourself will really help. That way you will be sure to find everything.
Also, I noticed that your descriptions are very…detailed and sometimes overdone. You don’t need to describe every little detail about somebody when your MC first sees them. I think Melody’s description was good, but Patrick’s was kind of unneeded. Throughout your story, you can add little things in a creative way to slowly show us what he looks like.
But, I think you have a decent start here. With a little tweaking, it will slowly improve!
Hope this helped! |
_________________ -Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
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