Topic ID: 32259
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natalie
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 Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 10:22 am Post subject: An Evening Lullaby |
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Settle into your basket of lace
A yawn is taking your bright smile's place
Your radiant heart ignites with grace
The evening is yours tonight.
An ocean of wonders awaits for you
Your dreams are there awaiting too.
While we are watching over you,
The evening is yours tonight.
So as you listen to this lullaby
And the moon brings dreams to where you lie.
Your eyes look up to a starlit sky,
The evening is yours tonight. |
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gazdemon
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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| I enjoyed your poem, it was very relaxing and your choice of words really lent themselves to the style of a lullaby. The only little problem I had was in the the second stanza, you end two lines with the word 'you'...perhaps you could rewrite the third line to make it end with 'few' or 'dew' or 'knew'. Other than that I think it is spot on. |
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Spiritree
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:59 am Post subject: |
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| The simplistic style is so beautiful. It really makes it a true lullaby. The sing-song rhythm of the piece made me want to go to sleep! Some poetry is best read to oneself, some aloud, and I think this one fits with the latter. The two 'you's don't bother me, but if you want to change it, it should be fine as long as you keep the style consistent. I can't believe your 14! This is great work, I hope you never stop writing! |
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springrain2693
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:20 am Post subject: |
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| This almost brought tears to my eyes...to me it signifies the early night that you are about to spend reveling in peace with those who bring joy to your heart. Please do write more, and for a girl of 14 you have got talent! |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this! As everyone's already said, you've really managed to make it sound like a lullaby. There's a soothing lilt to it.
I've quoted the poem so I can make some suggestions, which you can, of course, ignore.  I've added in some punctuation.
| Quote: |
Settle into your basket of lace,
A yawn is taking your bright smile's place,
Your radiant heart igniting with grace, - Interesting image.
The evening is yours tonight. |
You'll see I took 'is' out of the second line. I don't like the resulting loss of rhythm, but I felt like the original 'a yawn is taking' was 'telling' a little too much. Maybe you could find an alternative? I also suggested 'igniting' because it fitted with 'taking' and helps the rhythm, I think. I added a comma at the end of the third line, but that could be a dash or some other kind of suitable punctuation if you thought there were too many commas.
| Quote: |
An ocean of wonders awaits for you
Your dreams are there awaiting too. - Close repetition of 'awaiting' could be changed because it jars a tiny bit. See note below.
While we are watching over you,
The evening is yours tonight. |
I think this is the weakest stanza because of the second line. However, an aside first - 'An ocean of wonders' isn't very strong because the idea is quite clichéd and I think it would be improved by simply changing the word 'ocean'. Back to the second line: it comes across as filler. It doesn't say much because the 'ocean of wonders' implies the dreams and sleep. It would make a huge difference to the poem if this line was improved.
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So as you listen to this lullaby
And the moon brings dreams to where you lie, |
You would need a comma at the end of this second line, not a full stop, because these two lines don't make a complete sentence:
So as you listen to this lullaby and the moon brings dreams to where you lie.
See? This could have just been a typo though. These two lines could also work as the following:
So as you listen to this lullaby,
as the moon brings dreams to where you lie,
With the comma at the end of the first line and 'as' replacing 'and'. However, the original is completely fine. This was just the way I re-worded it in my head. I have a tendency to do that with poetry, even when it's unnecessary. 
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Your eyes look up to a starlit sky,
The evening is yours tonight. |
Lovely!
Overall, I really liked it. The atmosphere of the poem was one of its strongest points, the other being the clever use of repetition - it was probably the main reason the poem sounded so much like a lullaby. Well done! |
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Medusa
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm. On one hand, it captures perfectly the essense of what a lullaby should be: calm, relaxing, peaceful. On the other hand, you seem to not have broken out of the little box of you, too, do rhymes. The only stanza in my opinion that is worth salvaging is the last. I'll go over what I liked and what I didn't like specifically, so you don't get offended :]
LIKED
rhythm and metre
| Quote: |
| And the moon brings dreams to where you lie. |
This is your forte of the peice. It has strong balance, rhythm, and appeal. It's very pretty language, and it (more than any other line) fits the title of your poem.
word choice
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| Your eyes look up to a starlit sky |
Again, pretty language. I like the added emphasis on starlit sky, brought on by the bolded word. You can use powerful words to bring in an audience.
metaphors and similes
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| Your radiant heart ignites with grace |
I love the visual imagery handed to me in this line. A human heart bursting with the flames of grace. Metaphors are an important part of poetry.
COULD USE IMPROVEMENT
rhyme
your rhyme tends be on the dry side at times. Let's look at what I considered to be your weakest point in the poem.
| Quote: |
An ocean of wonders awaits for you
Your dreams are there awaiting too.
While we are watching over you,
The evening is yours tonight. |
The repetition of 'you' as a rhyme, and then 'to' with '(to)night' makes for bad rhyming. Like I mentioned before. Writing poetry isn't all about finding the word that rhymes the best, it's about finding the words that envoke the most emotion, inspire the most creativity, and fits the poem the best. I know you can do better than cat, hat, sat rhymes.
meaning
| Quote: |
| Settle into your basket of lace |
be careful when bringing out images, make sure the reader knows exactly what you are talking about. I am confused as to what this means. Is basket of lace a codeword for something else? Who am I then? Be explicit.
Well, I sure hope this helped!
Keep on writing,
--Medusa. |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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Aw, this was really good. It was sweet and simple and does sound like a lullaby. Very great work.
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So as you listen to this lullaby
And the moon brings dreams to where you lie.
Your eyes look up to a starlit sky,
The evening is yours tonight. |
I think that has to be my favorite part. It really reminds me of a lullaby that my mamma used to sing to me when I was little about the moon. Very very good!
Now I am sleepy.... *yawn* |
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casey_kent
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:35 am Post subject: |
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Aww. I really like this poem. Reminds me of my mom.
If you'd put some melody to this, and my own dear mother would sing it for me, I would definitely fall right to sleep. Peacefully.
Last thing I want just before I die is my mother's voice singing to me as if I were a little child again, her fingers brushing my hair, and a light kiss from her on the forehead.
Ack, I'm really sensitive about the mother topics.
Good job!
Keep writing!
Peace, love and respect,
Casey |
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Vow_Of_Slience
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Good job. I really like how it brings peace inside me. Keep the amazing job! |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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dude, really good job! Really, i love it and i'm not just saying that! I didn't even know that you wrote such amazing poetry, nat!
I adored your use of words, the rhyming wasn't forced at all and it just flowed. Also, the repitition of the last line was a great success.
Really congrats. I honestly don't have anything to say about what you might change. It's definately perfect.
criticism; write more stuff!
from charlie. |
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Uo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:51 am Post subject: |
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nice work man at making such a soothing lullaby....though the first time i read it i didn't read it as a lullaby (tottaly my bad lol) but the second time around i tottaly got it lol and it seemed so lovely and pretty lol (does that make sense) anyways i liked that it flowed nicely and welll what more can i say then AWESOME JOB KEEP IT UP!!!!! lol
-Uo the lady in grey |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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Wow...very nice and soothing. Perfect for a lullaby. I love this. It made me feel calm and relaxed while reading this.
Good work! Keep it up!
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midnightsundancer
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought it was rather pretty. Good job. Keep writing. |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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I really really like this. All the imagery is so soft and delicate, the lace cradle, the feeling of a whole life being ahead. Its great.
And the repetition of "The evening is yours tonight" is a great rounding off, makes it neat and ordered.
All in all, I love it |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with previous posts before me: simplistic and peaceful are just 2 words i can use to describe this. You captured exactly what someone,before they fall asleep, wants to hear. very powerful, good prose, excellent choice of phrasing.
9/10-very enjoyable =)
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