| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on June 6, 2008
  |
|
The Duty, Chapter 4 {Being Edited}
Topic ID: 31194
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
scasha
What would Keynes do?
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 03 May 2008
Posts: 269
Reviews: 145
Country: Under the stars of another sun
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: The Duty, Chapter 4 {Being Edited} |
 |
|
MAJOR EDITS! WILL BE UP SOON! |
_________________
"Nous sommes tout deux victime. De ce doux jeu d'amants." -- Ce Jeu par Yelle
Want to enter a spiffy contest run by yours truly? Enter Here or how about This One?
Want a truly amazing critique? PM me!!
Got YWS?
Last edited by scasha on Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:20 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
kris
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 207
Reviews: 97
Country: UK
200 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
You have such a skill with the craft of story telling. This was remarkably easy to read.
My personal preference here: take it or leave it, it is completely your choice 
I feel that the setting could have used some more description - I found it hard to set it all in my mind. But then again i am a sucker for detailed stories (Trudy canavan is the queen of this!)
Killer work! i really should read the previous chapters...I might be spurting rubbish about the setting that has already been introduced in previous chapters hehehe
Very enjoyable thus far! thank you.
***I will try to learn how to do what you do when you make critique so that i can be more constructive*** |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
Let's make beautiful music together
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1175
Reviews: 667
Country: some place that I can only dream about
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Scasha!
Again, your work is inspiring! I love reading this story! 
Well, I only have a few things to point out.
| Quote: |
| I sighed. Like he told me before, I’d have to ask the right questions to get the right answers. I took a deep breath, trying to quell my need to leap up from my seat and drive my knife through the man’s heart. |
I liked this and I didn't...I liked it because Melody has an anger problem and this really plays it up. But, I didn't like how hostile she got. She was going to kill this guy because she was a LITTLE frustrated. A little to melodramatic for me but...I don't know. I'm torn between liking and disliking it. I guess it's up to you whether to keep it or not.
Other than that, everything else was really good.
I can't wait to read more of your work!
The ending was perfect! Very powerful and makes the reader want to persue this piece of writing!
PM me when you post more! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
tanith14
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 20 May 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 21
Country: US
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That is all I have to say basically. I was very saddened when this segment ended. You are getting better and better with every chapter.
My only critique would be to take your time a little more at exploring Eryk's lair. I don't know if there is some history behind him and the specters, but you could tie in a little history by having Melody look around and notice artifacts or other things that would suggest a little more about this mysterious mind reader. Course, if he has no history with them or whatever then ignore all the above and keep everything the way it is. Wonderful work |
_________________
If there is one thing in the world I CAN'T stand it is the Redwings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Toomak
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Once again, another great chapter. I keep getting sucked into this story. The only grammar error I found in this chapter was this:
| Quote: |
| Their (their should be changed to they're) able to come out now anytime or anywhere. |
I am still interested to know a little more about Melody's past. And now Eryk's too. How does he know so much about specters?
Great chapter! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on June 6, 2008 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - Groucho Marx
|
