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Right or wrong?
Right or wrong?

by helenelizabethclarke in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 2, 2008
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Secret Series Book 1: New beginnings: chapter 2

Secret Series Book 1: New beginnings

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JADEREDNALIH   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:44 pm    Post subject: Secret Series Book 1: New beginnings Reply with quote

CHAPTER 1- JADE Very Happy

Jade grabbed her bag off the small love seat in her room and glanced around. She silently said goodbye to all of her favorite stuffed animals. She wept inside knowing that she wouldn't be seeing her room or her childhood friends for a long long times.

"Jade!" Her mother was calling from the bottom of the second story stairs.

"I'm coming!" she then tightly closed her hazel eyes to ward off any tears that were threatening to fall. She hit the stairs at a dead run.

“Slow down 'fore you kill someone. Chico go get my keys and we'll be gettin' this show on the road." Chico ran across the floor on his three year old legs and grabbed his Momma’s keys out of his old playpen. Then his momma picked up Lil Justin out of his high chair and they walked out to the car.

"Momma, is Ja really leavin'? She gon' come back, fo' me right?" Chico looked curiously and sadly at his older sister who was sitting in the front seat. Pulling on Lil Justin’s car seat straps, Sandi closed the door and hurried to the driver’s seat where she turned to answer her son’s question.

"Of course she'll come back for a visit. Won't you, Jade?"

"Yeah, Lil man. I'll come back just fa ya, iight." She smiled as her little brother showed a mouth full of yellowish-white miniature teeth.

"Star! Didn’t I tell you to stop talkin' like that in front of yo brothas."

"What you mean, Ma? You talk the same way. Only thing you don't be sayin' is iight. Everything else you pronounce the same way I do." She glared out the window as her mother decided not to say anything back. "Where's Dad at? Why ain't he takin' me? He told me he was last night."

"And he still is! I'm takin' you to go to Wal to get a digital camera and some more pairs of dance pants (course the ones you got is raggedy) and then I'm gonna drop you off at the gym and he gone pick you up seen he done got off work."

"Where he work again?"

"That place cross street from the gym. You know that big building look like a concert hall? Well, he's an aspiring music produce with this man named Jason Gage. You know 'em?" She glanced at her daughter.

"No, but I do know the place you talkin' bout. Why Daddy doin' the producin'. I thought he was the one singin'. Remember when he won that 'Best Latin Singer in Langin' medal few months ago. I remember he almost cried and Chico thought he'd stubbed his toe on somethin'." They all laughed and Chico smiled at the mention of his name but not quite knowing what they were talking about.

"Yeah, well he said he liked producin' the music betta then he liked singin' it but you know havin' both is good. He's made lots of money off all dem beats." Sandi smiled to herself as she thought about all the money her husband was bringing in compared to how much they had a few years ago when his old boss died without giving his company over to the right person. Within two months the old boss's, Mr. Tanner, son had taken over but then the company went bankrupt (due to bad management) and all the employees had to find new jobs.

"Momma!" The light had been red. Sandi had been zoning out but had not come to in time for her head to register the red. She looked over at her daughter who sat stiff backed and uncomfortably against the window. "Sorry Star, I had..."

"Zoned out again. Mom you must truly be happy. I catch you daydreamin'. Sometimes even thou I’m not supposed to say nothin' but you be lookin' peaceful in yo thoughts." She then tried to mimic her Momma’s peace/daydreaming look. Sandi softly and playfully hit her daughter on her forearm. Once again they were laughing.

"I'ma miss you, Ma."

"Yeah, and I you."

"You gonna miss me too. Hermana?" Chico sometimes reverted to Spanish words when he was in deep emotion. Since they had come from Mexico two years ago (they had moved to Mexico from America when Jade was naught but nine years old. Then when she was thirteen they moved back. She was now fifteen years old.) "Mmmm, I gone miss you, Ja!"

"Well, Lil Man... don't cry. Cause I’m gonna miss you, mi Hermano. Don't worry big sis gone come back and love you lots more." Jade then tweaked her brother’s cheek and turned to look out the windshield at the parking lot of Wally,

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Le'Andro walked into his office and the first thing he saw was a large black and yellow gym bag on his love seat. The next thing he noticed was the door to his private bathroom was shut but the bathroom light was off. There was another black and yellow bag in front of the door.

"Honey, what are you doin' with the light off?" He walked over and leaned against the wall next to the door hinge.

"Poppi! Hey, oh me? I was just seeing if any of these flashlights work... you know, cause sometimes you think they do and they don't."

"Si, please come out and give me a proper greeting."

"OK" She opened the door but did not step out immediately. Le'Andro pushed the door open further only to reveal his daughter leaning against the opposite wall with three flashlights hanging from her belt loops and another one and some batteries in her hands.

"Chica!"

"OK Poppi, hold on, un momento." She looked up briefly before setting them in her bag. She then stepped up to her father and he pulled her out of the bathroom and into his arms.

"Ahem, Mr. 'Ruel you wife is on line two" Le'Andro signaled that he heard, released his daughter and trotted over to his phone and pushed the second channel. He talked to Jades mother for about ten minutes before he got off and stared silently at Jade.

“Your mother told me she dropped you off at the gym across the street and that when I got off work you were supposed to be there. What happened?" He said firmly.

"Well, come one Poppi what is a girl supposed to do at a gym? Even if she could watch movies on her DVD player... I've watched them all already." She smiled up at her father innocently. "Come on, Can I at least go buy some more movies?"

"''Scuse me. Le'Andro? My son just arrived and he's gonna go do some stuff for me. He's gonna be gone for some hours anything you want him to go take care of for you?"

"Well, Jason. Not really, well hold on..." He looked around his desk searching for any notes. Finding none he then glanced at his daughter; it was as if a light bulb came on in his head. "well I’m needin' to get some stuff done; it'd be nice if he could drive Star over to get some movies or whatever she's wantin' (with her own money of course.)" He glanced knowingly at his daughter who playfully rolled her eyes at him.” He could take her to Blockbuster or somewhere."

"Your daughter? Oh yes, my how you've grown since the last time I saw you." He smiled down at her in that spooky way of his.

"Yes, it's been two years."

"Yes, well I’ll go see what I can do, see in a few hours Xander's leavin' to go back to Simon X. Tierney for the upcoming school year."

"Really? That’s where I was supposed to take Jade tonight. Maybe we should arrange for her to ride with him on his way back. Hit me up and let me know what’s gonna happen."

"Iight, see ya later 'Ruel."

"Iight, Boss. Hasta luego." His boss chuckled and left out the room. When Le'Andro turned towards his daughter he saw the glare on her face. He inwardly smiled.

"Que?" He chuckled when he saw her scowl grow deeper. Just Like the new baby Lil Justin, Jade looked so much like him he was sure that if she wasn't his daughter; she would have been his twin.

"'Que?' What do you mean 'Que?' You just passed me off to ride around in a car #1 with a guy I don't know for more than an hour and #2 with a guy to S.X.T. and that takes almost seven hours. I thought we'd have a father-daughter road trip type thingy." As she spoke the last sentence her voice got lower almost in an innocent kind of way.

"Escucha, Chiquita. Once you have seen my boss's hijo you won't be quick to 'not' want to go ride around with him for a couple of hours. He also goes to your new esquela. El chico is probably popular there. Might do you some good to become friends with some one before you get there."

"Si, verdad! I guess your right. Is he good looking? She grimaced when she heard the question come out of her mouth.

"See for yourself he's walking toward the office twirling some keys. No, El Chico no estas FEO." Jade turned and looked out one of the office windows; At first she didn't see him. Then he popped into her view. A tall caramel colored, broad shouldered, stocky guy twirled a set of car keys in his right hand as he walked casually through the small cubicles.

"Tu estas verdad. you were right Poppi, I don't mind goin' to S.X.T. with him. But we must get some DVDs first."

"Told ya. Adios my daughter. The next time I’ll probably see you is during parent day at S.X.T." She kissed her father as out of her peripheral vision she saw her dads boss standing there watching them with a grin on his face. When she pulled back and turned around and was stunned. Xander was standing right behind her.

"Ello! My names Xander. Como te llamas?" He smiled when she looked down shyly.

"Me llamo Jade. Mi padre es..." She glanced at her father.

"Senior Ruel!" Her dad said.

"He said that you were gonna ride with me to Simon X.T. My Dad also said that we're goin' to blockbuster get you some movies. It’s a long ride. Where you wanna go to get somethin' to eat?"

"Um, El Come?"

"Si, me gusta 'El Come.' We'll go there and then to Wally to get me a camera." She smiled as he picked up her black and yellow duffle bag. She picked up the small matching one by the bathroom door. As they walked out to the car Jade slowed down and watched Xander. She liked the way he walked. His head up and with a confident step.

"What’s wrong?" Jade had not noticed that she had stopped completely.

"Oh, nothing, I was just zoning out." She smiled innocently at him from under her eyelashes and walked to the passenger side of the car.

'She shy but if she gon make it at Simon X.T. then she gonna haf'ta get over that.' He thought to himself. He placed her duffle bad in the back, turned around, and started the car. On their way out of the parking lot Jade and Xander saw her father waving from his office window. Blowing him a kiss Jade then closed her eyes once again that day to ward off tears. Very Happy

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

go to chapter 2


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Last edited by JADEREDNALIH on Tue Sep 23, 2008 2:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to YWS! The first thing I noticed when I had a look at this is that you haven't made any reviews. Here on YWS we have a two for one policy, and we like everybody to make at least two critiques before posting anything of their own. It's a great way to make friends, and you'll get a lot more critiques if you do.

This piece is quite long. I only read the first little bit and then stopped because its length really started to annoy me. There's a couple of things I'll point out, but if you do some critiques, you'll get a lot more people helping you.

The accents really annoyed me and made it hard to read. They're okay to use here and there, but no in every sentence.

Also, I know nothing about your characters. Where is Jade going? What is she doing? Are her parents divorced? Who is Chico?

Good luck!

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't think this piece was all that long, but I do second chocoholic about the review thing. It makes everyone much happier.

This looks like it could be interesting, but it all goes by so quickly that I felt lost. What exactly is going on with this family? Why is Jade leaving? Where is she going? What is this thing that her father is doing? I was totally confused there.

I couldn't really get a grip on the characters either. Jade keeps acting a little strange. She seems like she is hiding something or is not as innocent as she appears. You keep having her do things, but you label them as "almost" innocent. What is it that is not innocent about them? What more is there about Jade? I'd make it a bit more clear that something is up (if any) by focusing more on her actions. She doesn't seem like the shy kind to me, but her father calls her that at the end.

The accents were a little bit annoying. You can keep a little bit of them for flavor, but when you keep writing in the same accent (especially heavy accents) it becomes really hard to read. A great example of how not to do accents is to look at Jack London's French-Canadians in a lot of his works. They are hard as heck to understand and it takes away from their characters. The reader understands that they have their own voice, but they are harder to understand on paper with accents than they are in real life with accents.

Anyway, I think this could be better with a bit of work. Take your time and tell things as they need to be told. Make the reader care about your characters.

Good luck!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I’m sorry but this was SO hard to read with all your slang in there. I had to sometimes read the sentences over a few times until I understood what they were talking about. Also, I am so glad that I am taking Spanish in school right now, otherwise I would have NO idea what she and her father were talking about! Wink

But you gave the story a unique feel when you added the slang and Spanish. You made it your own. And that’s what it is all about. Making your writing unique. And I did enjoy your story. It just took me a while to read it.

Now, on with the review! Very Happy

Quote:
"I'm coming!" she then tightly closed her hazel eyes to ward off any tears that were threatening to fall.


Capital “S” on “she”

Quote:
"Of course she'll come back for a visit. Won't you Jade?"


Comma after “you”

Quote:
Why Daddy doin' the producin'.


Question mark instead of a period at the end of this sentence.

Quote:
“Your mother told me she dropped you off at the gym across the street and that when I got off work you were supposed to be there. What happened?" He said firmly.


Small “h” on “he” And I think “asked” would work better than “said”

Quote:
”Well, come one Poppi what is a girl supposed to do at a gym? Even if she could watch movies on her DVD player... I've watched them all already."


It should be “on” instead of “one”

All right, other than those corrections, I do have a few things that I noticed also:

1) What is S.X.T?? Is it like a boarding school?? Private school?? Juvenile Delinquent Center?? (just kidding about the last one…*coughs* that was my attempt at humor…o-kay. Wink )

2) Description. You seem to be lacking in this department. Need to add more. Like what the sky looks like? What the air smells like? Stuff like that. I would love to even see more on this handsome young guy that she will eventually have a crush on…right?? Just my guess…

3) Emotions. You have some for your MC, but the ending caught me off guard. I thought she was happy to go with this guy…and then she starts crying?? Very confusing. Need to stay consitant with your MC emotions and personality for the story to work.

Besides that stuff, it was good.

I’ll keep my eyes open for the following chapters! Wink

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so sorry! It was so hard for me to concentrate on your story with all the slang...Other then that, nice story. You gave it you own twist with the Spanish and really made it go to the next level.

One thing that grabbed my attention, your first sentence. You say "bad" you mean 'bag' right? Also childhood is one word. You just have to be careful with the small things like that.

So good start, with some work it could become really good.

I'll keep my eyes opened for additions!

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In this story you jump around. Is Jade vistiting her dad or going to visit him for the summer or what? Its a bit confusing. I understood your spanish and I liked it, although you might want to watch out and not put to much in there otherwise it won't be understandable. Clarify and clear up some of it. The slang was particularly hard to read for me. Please don't put that thoughout the whole book, it will be very hard to read, like old English, only worse. Describe everything a bit more. You story had potential, it just needs some polishing up. Good luck and keep writing!

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