Topic ID: 32184
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hobbes
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 54
Reviews: 60
Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
314 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:23 am Post subject: I wish I could change the world |
 |
|
I wish I could change the world
oh so many things,
need to be changed
the horrible things,
that makes it deranged
the murderous killings
the horrible death
so many things
to take away my breath.
rich men
pass the poor
like they're homeless dirt
and nothing more
global warming
true or fake
for that doesn't matter
our home is at stake
oh, there is
so much to do
but I'll leave that
up to you |
_________________
if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 470
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
340 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
WOW S.H.!
You're stuff just keeps getting better!
I really liked this and the idea of how it raises awareness to some things that go completely unnoticed!
Thanks for the post! It was great!
-GC10 |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
hobbes
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 54
Reviews: 60
Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
314 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
a song called " I wish I could change the world" (imagine that!)by ten years after inspired me to write this poem.
I have it on my playlist if you want to hear it and can't find it.
www.playlist.com and search for mr.guitar3.14. enjoy! |
_________________
if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
This was very unrefined to me. Grammatically, you lacked punctuation and capitalization. You're a writer, proofread your work for punctuation, it's your responsibility.
Your rhyming wasn't that great either. Most, if not all of it, was forced.
| Quote: |
oh so many things,
need to be changed
the horrible things,
that makes it deranged |
You need to capitalize the first word of the first line, end the second line with a period. Capitalize the first word of the third line, and put a period at the end of the fourth line.
Four grammatical errors in one stanza? That's a problem.
| Quote: |
the murderous killings
the horrible death
so many things
to take away my breath. |
Capitalize first word of first line and end it with a comma, end the second line with a comma.
| Quote: |
rich men
pass the poor
like they're homeless dirt
and nothing more |
Capitalize first line, end the third line with a comma, and end the fourth with a period. I wouldn't use "homeless" in the third line. I'd use "worthless", but personal opinion.
| Quote: |
global warming
true or fake
for that doesn't matter
our home is at stake |
Capitalize the first line, end with comma. End second line with comma. End third with comma, and end fourth with period.
| Quote: |
oh, there is
so much to do
but I'll leave that
up to you |
I really, really, really dislike this stanza. Basically you're saying "Oh I'm talking about all this stuff in the world that's really horrible but I don't care enough to do anything about it". It's not good enough. Capitalize first line, end second with comma, and end fourth with period.
Now that I've covered grammar I can move on. *sighs*
You need much more, there are so many problems in the world, you barely scratched the surface. Wars on terror and oil? Starvation? Disease? What about those?
Some more imagery would help you greatly.
Hope this helps. |
_________________
"If you love something, give it away"
~ Conor Oberst |
|
| Back to top |
|
hobbes
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 54
Reviews: 60
Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
314 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
dude,chillax. poetry is not about grammar and mechanics, but it's about the love of writing and it's a way to express feelings and thoughts to others.
secondly, I know there is a lot more than just those, especially disease. every one on my moms side of the family has had cancer. so there is a high chance i'll get it ( OMG did he just not capitalize his i!! off with his head!)
also, im not sayin I don't care about this, I'm sayin that you as a community,as a world, need to pitch in. one man, president, or country can't be all by its self.
Thank you for atleast taking the time to correct my mechanical mistakes. I really should do that
_________________________________________________________________
(I edited this to refer to the post below this.)
yes, I know this isn't a very strong poem, and I could make it better. I just wanted to say somethings to the people. I really should use metaphors though. I also have no idea what conventional grammar means so I guess I'll have to look that up.
from-the guy who wrote the poem |
_________________
if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind.
Last edited by hobbes on Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:23 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
niteowl
I Need a Better Custom Title
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3979
Reviews: 389
Country: somewhere in America
1156 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Honestly, this could be much stronger than it is right now. It's a forced rhyme scheme with vague allusions to some of our world's problems. Poetry is supposed to evoke some emotion in the reader, but this doesn't really do that because it's kind of bland. Rather than try to focus on the whole world with all of its problems (a scope far too great for any one poem), take one and work with that on a smaller level. You mentioned cancer. Since your family members have had it, maybe you could provide a more interesting spin on that. Instead of worrying about a rhyme scheme, focus on powerful images and metaphors that actually stick to the reader's mind.
Also, poetry may not be about grammar and mechanics, but complete disregard for conventional grammar says to the reader "I, the author, did not care about this poem enough to make it look nice to you." Unless you have a really good reason not to, punctuate and capitalize poems as you would prose. That way, readers focus on the actual content of the poem rather than your lack of mechanics.
Next time, keep your focus small so you can have more powerful images. Keep writing! |
_________________
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Got YWS?
"Whoever said senior year was easier than junior year lied through their teeth" A friend of mine |
|
| Back to top |
|
clueless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 106
Reviews: 35
409 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
nice writing. I think it is a little vague to be about the worlds problems. thats such a deep topic it's almost like your being a little too non serious. but i agree with you grammer isnt all that important. (hah i didn't capitalize either) and just cuz some people are so strung up on "oh, that wasn't grammericly correct", and "you have no dignity whatsoever in your appaling grammer" they never really see through to what the poem is actually saying. over all i think it was good. yay!!!!
-M.J.-  |
_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
|
| Back to top |
|
horsez919
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a great poem, in my opinion. Personally, I don't care about grammar, like some people [LA teacher], but it is very important. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 869
Reviews: 129
Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum!
480 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
I am sorry to say I agree with Ringo and Niteowl on this one, the whole poem feels so forced to me. Reading a poem should feel like it is rolling off of your tongue with no effort. The words here are a bit cliche, a need for change in the world is a topic many writers feel the urge to channel, however in this piece it does not work very well.
Think of word usage, using boring run of the mill words does not capture an audience, it bores them as it should. Instead of forcing the rhyme maybe try for a free style with no rhyming at all. Let the words flow instead of feel forced and blunt.
I hope this helps
OverEasy |
_________________
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe |
|
| Back to top |
|
cassie17
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 37
Reviews: 8
Country: USA
314 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
Okay, I really really like the idea behind this poem (duh moment?) but the rhyming seemed very forced. The whole thing was kind of halting when I was reading, and it seems like the kind of poem that should be very smooth. Also, the poem has a very deep meaning but it's not really portrayed that way--it seems to skim over the tops of problems, mentioning them but not really fleshing them out. I read it and acknowledge the problems, but the poem doesn't leave me in awe, like, 'oh, I need to go do something about those...' which I believe was your intention.
Maybe you should try to do the poem without the rhyming and form. I find that when you're writing the poems freely, the ideas come across better, and the ideas in this poem are the most important parts!
Great job, though! It's refreshing to finally see some people aknowledging the major problems we have today!!
--Cassie |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Bookmarker
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 358
Reviews: 24
Country: USA
839 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: Reply |
|
|
Another great poem.  I liked the ending because it really gave a message. I also enjoy the way you stretch the poem out over the page. It looks like this guy.   I didn't understand the part about the rich dude though. It was confusing.  Besides that everything was awesicknasticool or whatever. That word is confusing too.  |
_________________
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
-Dr. Anonymous |
|
| Back to top |
|
Vow_Of_Slience
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Great work! I really like the topic! Its very passive in a way to me. I really like how you did it like that! That inspires me to write about this world. And how we are corrupting it in many different ways. Good job! I really like this piece. So far its my favorite! good work! wow I liked it so much i want to dance around to the beat of some random music. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Uo
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 36
Reviews: 25
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
WOOOO nice lol......i liked the fact that you chose this topic and its true that we do need to do so much since this world is at stake of dying.....but you were a little vague with the wordly problems that we have and it does seem a bit forced with the rhyming though it is a good piece i know that you can turn it into so much more ^-^
-Uo the lady in grey |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
