Topic ID: 32401
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:35 am Post subject: I am to write one poem a day.... |
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{Note: This was written for NaPoWriMo. I originally liked it very much, but then I realized that it was very bad. So, after a few months of struggling with it and tearing my hair out and having little success, I turn it over to the YWS community. Have your way with it. Also, I'm not quite sure if the title is serious or not. Do advise.}
I am to write one poem a day for a month, and I wrote this for you on the second day.
You, who are amused by the writing of poetry,
asked me once if I have ever written about you.
"No," I said, calm, and you knew
nothing. But I can't help but wonder,
what would have happened if I
had said, many times, yes? If I had
looked up into your eyes instead of
down at my pen-in-hand, poised to
write 'love' on a solemn piece of paper? |
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Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I've been wondering why nobody has commented on this poem, as it has been up for at least 24 hours now (I think) and it is by one of the most crucial members on YWS.
I think it is so commentless because it's weird. It's straighforward, honest and... well... melodramatic. What do I mean by melodramatic? How can a poem be melodramatic?
The most melodramatic part of this poem, is, I guess, the word choice. There were many words here which should have been much more carefully chosen. They are: "the writing of poetry", "calm", "many times", "looked up", "solemn".
Let me address them one by one:
the writing of poetry
The word "poetry", I think, would suffice. Otherwise it's pathetically complicated and puzzling.
calm
Remember: Show, not tell! Even though the tone of this poem is straightoforward, saying you were calm is much worse than saying "patient", "softly", or even"quietly".
many times
This is still confusing to me. If you would have said yes many times? Like, "Yes", "Yes", "Yes"? And if so, then why repeat the thing? I don't get it.
looked up
This, I think, is just a little too banal. How about "gazed"?
solemn
I know what you mean by saying the paper was "solemn", but this is still telling, not showing. Use a descriptive word, such as "white", or "crumpled" (these are just examples, don't use them!) Otherwise, it doesn't fit.
I liked the idea, but the presentation was simply too simple to be good. |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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This is a very heartfelt poem, I really felt it. I agree that the first line could be better shorter, as just "poetry" and not "the writing of", it might just make it feel more natural. I like where you put your line breaks a lot, you pick the point in the sentence that makes it easiest to read and most dramatic and effective.
I especially liked the last line, it really adds to the drama of the poem having it as a single line, and the word solemn was perfect there.
I really liked this, the sadness of wasting the chance to say your feelings and instead writing them, it's something that I can relate to. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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I've been thinking about this one for a few days, and honestly, I quite like it. Even back when you posted it for NaPoWriMo, I thought "squee, I like this poem ^_^" It's very light and airy to look at, but everything is tied together and lovely that it certainly helps rather than hinders.
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You, who are amused by the writing of poetry,
asked me once if I have ever written about you.
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I especially like this as the opening for the poem. It reminded me a lot of Jane Austen in the tone, almost as if it were very strong and blunt and independent and tongue-in-cheek with the passive "who are amused" and "the writing of poetry" in the first line when everything else is grammatically seamless. This is totally my favourite part of the poem.
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"No," I said, calm, and you knew
nothing. But I can't help but wonder,
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I like how these phrases get their own stanza, sort of like the calm before the storm of what-ifs. But if I have to be really picky, I'll say that the phrase "and you knew nothing" sounds a little trite to me; I'd reword it, somehow.
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what would have happened if I
had said, many times, yes? If I had
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Why many times? She was only asked once. Would she have answered like "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"? Er, upon reading it again, I realize that it's meant to be read as '... had said, "yes, many times."' Maybe make that a little clearer? Again, if I'm being really picky, I might say to expand her answer a tiny bit, but really it's fine as it is.
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| write 'love' on a solemn piece of paper? |
I really like how the paper is personified to mirror her emotions where she can't really express them.
I especially like the title. It's kind of like an endless chain of mirrors thing (you know, when you hold a mirror up to a mirror and you can see the mirror's reflection in the first mirrors, and the reflection of both in the second mirror, and on and on and on) where it's a poem about writing a poem that makes itself more than a poem. Er, I'm not sure if that made much sense. But in any case! Please seriously consider keeping the title? ^_^
What exactly are you tearing your hair out over? A certain line, an order of events, etc.? |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:01 am Post subject: |
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Sounds like shy love. You must be young and highly introverted in your own world. You've let your pen become your voice and although you may find that good within your own heart you must realize that not everyone can read and write, but most people can hear and everyone has ears unless maybe a few if you want to be literal.
I wrote it sounds like shy love, but maybe it's just infatuation. Love that we have all come to know and love, you know that thing 2 people will share for a while. It dosn't involve one person writing about how much love is in their heart and never speaking of it and the other person not feeling anything at all.
Lastly, lyrical poetry typically ryhmes or has some sort of rythmic sense so this poem dosn't belong in this catagory.
hope you take all this criticism constructively. Not saying your a bad writer at all. |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, all!
Gadi and Leja - thanks for your suggestions regarding word choice. Gadi, I do like, however, 'the writing of poetry'. I feel that saying only 'poetry' would 1) throw off the rhythm and 2) not really say the same thing. Poetry as an entire subject is a much different matter than poetry-writing. And, like Melja, the opening is my favorite part. 
I think I'm mostly just tearing my hair out over the rest. It doesn't feel right. Mostly the phrasing, the rhythm. Stanzas 2, 3, and 5 are my least favorite, but I'm not quite sure how to make them feel better. It's like when you have soup that tastes decent, but you feel like you should add some sort of spice to it, but you don't know which spice, and you might be out of spices anyway.
Wojovox - never apologize for a critique! I assure you that I'm not about to run off crying that you've wounded my soul.  I do wish that you could offer more advice on the piece itself, not the speaker's dilemma. The speaker and I are not by default the same person, no matter how much this might have been drawn from my own life (which is quite a bit). The poetry forums are for reviews, not Dear Abby! Do you have more suggestions on how to improve the piece itself?
On the subject of lyric poetry, though, I feel that this poem has at least some rhythm, as all should, rhyming or not, except for the places where it is obviously 'off' and needs help. I also believe that lyric poetry also applies to poetry that expresses emotion. I should like this poem to be a little more lyrical in feeling, though, so if you have any suggestions, please share!
Thanks again,
Colly |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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I had put off reviewing this poem because I wasn't going to be very helpful, but decided to let you know how much I liked it.
Firstly, the title. When I saw the first half as the name of the thread, I didn't think it was the title, more an explanation. But reading the actual explanation and then seeing this matter-of-fact poem headed by an equally straightforward title just seemed perfect.
I agree with the Jane Austen effect of the opening two lines. The tone is one of my favourite aspects of the piece. The one picky thing that jarred with me was 'if I have ever'. The way I read it, it just sounded like it should be 'if I had ever'.
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| "No," I said, calm |
This would be the only bit I'd change. It was a little too matter-of-fact. And I know more and more people hate adverbs now, but when I read an adjective after 'I said', I always want to add the '-ly' or do whatever to turn it into its adverbial form!
I'm sorry not to be of more help, but there was such emotion and impact in these few lines that the above points are the only things I would change! |
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