zankoku_na_tenshi
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Jul 2006
Posts: 192
Reviews: 123
Country: U.S.
350 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: |
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Hello, your worst nightmare has returned to haunt you! The reviewer from the black lagoon is emerging to obsess over another of your stories... That's right, I'm back, with all my crazy fangirling! *evil laughter* It's your own fault for being so awesome, though, so bear with me a bit here. XD
I've wanted to get around to reviewing this for ages, ever since I finished the giant heaping treasure trove of awesome that was The Watcher, and I'll tell you right now: You haven't disappointed me yet! I found this to be all kinds of brilliant, in just about every way imaginable.
First, your characters. Melody was really well done, though I did find her a little... undistinguished, I guess? I can't quite find the right word. I guess, nothing really stood out about her as a character. However, knowing your characterization talent, I'm going to write that off as being a side effect of this being the first chapter, thus us not having a lot of time to get to know her. Besides, even if this was my first read of your work and I didn't know of your awesome character development prowess, I would keep reading just for Merlyn, who appears to be Resident Character in Charge of Win and Awesome at the moment. He's unique, genuinely flawed, and quite likable. Also, I didn't mind the captain as much as other reviewers seem to, it sounds to me like he's got a job to do and has people to protect, and while it's not great that he's taking it out on Melody, (not to mention that I felt a bit sorry for the poor specter) it's understandable. (So in short, I didn't really find him to be 2-D at all).
Also, I really like the atmosphere you set up here, the chase through the streets had more than enough suspense to draw me in.
One small critique: I thought (and it's pretty rare of me to say this when it comes to your writing) that we could actually use a tad more description of the Order's headquarters: I had no idea what it was supposed to be like, really. I know you've got jaw-dropping powers of description, and this is a good spot to use them.
The edits I've got here are almost entirely grammatical:
| Quote: |
| A piercing cackle sounded through the air making the hairs on my arms prickle. “You can’t hide from us dearie,” |
I think there ought to be a comma after "air" and "us."
| Quote: |
| And this was duty of the order, we were the protectors. |
"The duty of the order" would probably sound smoother.
| Quote: |
| It’s when they would come out to feast on human’s that weren’t supposed to be there. |
That apostrophe in "humans" is what's really not supposed to be there. 
| Quote: |
| The specter fought against it, trying to escaped the wire that I now tried to twist around her figure. |
Oops, typo. I think you mean "escape."
| Quote: |
| Finally, it encapsulated the specter, forming a cage like barrier around her ghostly form. |
"Cage-like" should probably be hyphenated, though as you probably know by now from my Watcher critique, I'm a little hyphen-happy. So... eh, decide if you need it or not for yourself.
| Quote: |
| I nodded and approached his desk. I placed the captured specter and the red necklace on his desk. |
The repetition of "desk" here really bugs me. Also, I could be wrong, but I got the impression that the specter was human-size. How does it fit on the desk?
| Quote: |
| “What makes you think I’ll tell you,” she snickered. |
Where did the question mark at the end of that quote go?
| Quote: |
| “I’m already dead my dear.” |
Comma after "dead," I think.
| Quote: |
| “I’ll beat you wherever and whenever you disgusting bottom-feeder,” I replied, glaring at our captor. |
Comma after "whenever."
| Quote: |
| Without warning the specter disappeared in a puff of smoke. |
Aaaand, comma after "warning."
Like I said, I am your eternal hopeless fangirl, but you need to keep an eye on those missing commas. They get easier to catch with practice, though.
I also agree that it would be a good idea to capitalize words like Order and Specter, they seem kind of important, and well-suited to being proper nouns.
Anyway, in summary: I became a big fan of yours reading The Watcher, and I think this start promises something just as good, if not better. Your characters are fantastic, your worlds are awesome, and your prose is incredible. I can't wait for more, as soon as I get past my endless homework burden. XD I'll start chapter two soon! |
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