Topic ID: 31471
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moosiegirl
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 28 Oct 2006
Posts: 119
Reviews: 35
Country: some elegant Masquerade lost in the ruins of time...
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: Whispers |
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Past my empty shadows,
Into common moments,
Secret remedies are ready,
to make you completly disappear.
An entryway to Heaven's gate,
Shattered with my movement.
Is this where the sunshine is?
Where is all the fear?
Am I afraid of what's in front of me?
Do I have to guess again?
What do i expect from you?
You see I can't even breathe...
Am I an illusion?
Are you just my dream?
Just a perfect angel,
but a demon to me, only me.
Why can't I break this wall?
Is it all spinning?
Is this the apple of the evening?
I'll lose everything...
Silently the senses,
Pick a broken lock,
Pouring down the poison,
To what time forgot.
Am I afraid of what's in front of me?
Do I have to guess again?
What do i expect from you?
You see I can't even breathe...
Am I an illusion?
Are you just my dream?
Just a perfect angel,
but a demon to me, only me.
A dreamer's paradice,
Is but a feather's distance.
Confusing pours my mind,
An anagram is formed.
A silent prayer,
quietly it'll set in.
Swirling in a vortex,
Don't leave me here.
Am I afraid of what's in front of me?
Do I have to guess again?
What do i expect from you?
You see I can't even breathe...
Am I an illusion?
Are you just my dream?
Just a perfect angel,
but a demon to me, only me. |
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"I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom."
--Mel Brooks |
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Moony
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 02 Mar 2008
Posts: 124
Reviews: 26
Country: The Deep Thought Of An Extremely 'Odd' Teenage Girl's Mind
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:02 am Post subject: |
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(*AAAAAAAWWWWWWWSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE*)
i absolutely enjoyed this if I was a real crit, I'd give it three thumbs up(*tee-hee*) we don't have three thumbs) |
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Yeah, so... I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and slice my thighs now... |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:01 am Post subject: |
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Honestly, I didn't think it was very good. I liked what you were saying, I just don't think it was a very good song. There was no rhythm to it, no beat. There weren't even any rhymes! I hink this would be better as a free-verse poem.
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| What do i expect from you? |
I instead of 1. You do this more, make sure you fix it up. It's a simple mistake but annoying.
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| Is this the apple of the evening? |
What? The apple of the evening? What's that supposed to mean? DId you just put it in there for rhymes, or does it actually mean something?
Overall, needs a lot of work. Is this your first song? Because it seems like it. Did you write it with a tune, because I really can't get one, no matter how hard I try. I'd recommend a complete re-write with the same theme, but making it more musical, because it seems like a poem more than a song write now.
Good luck! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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Eyes of Eden
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 14 Jun 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 15
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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| It's like a peom in song form. It's really heartfelt. You did a good job with it, especially with the metaphors and similies |
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Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another.
Hey unloving... I will love you.
~Underoath - Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Other's Escape. |
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 379
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
455 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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I could see this as a spoken-word kind of song....
Which is to say, it wasn't bad. It was rather interesting, and I would love to hear the beat or music that would support the background to these lyrics. |
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I am what I am. |
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gazdemon
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 27 Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 7
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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| These words are nicely put together and I could almost put a tune them. The structure you have is good also. Thanks! |
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