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alleycat13
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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:21 am Post subject: Don't Look Away |
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Don't Look Away
Fathoms of green and foam melt
In the two rings that stare at me.
I’ve seen eyes before, but these are oceans.
Inescapable focus pulls on
My own brown orbs like gravity.
I have seen eyes before, but these are magnets.
Laughter and brightness make
Me smile for no other reason than you.
I’ve seen pretty eyes before, but yours are ravishing.
Please, don’t look away.
Bittersweet, the weight of judgment and want bring
My eyes to the floor.
I was silly to think I could match you.
But still…
I lift my head.
Don’t look away. |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:51 am Post subject: |
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| oh goodness so touching, I like it. Perhaps there's a story behind it? Maybe? But I like the title but it isn't really... Drawing the reader in. Think of something that might make a person question and then they'll comment onto your post. But overall really nice it was so discriptive. I really did like it :]] |
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Eyes of Eden
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm.
Intriguing! I really liked the parts where you said, "I've seen... But these are..."
It was great way to put what you see into perspective and you put right there which is kind of wierd considering it's a poem, but it's a good kind of wierd! lol
~eyesofeden |
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jMin
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. I think its the imagery that really makes this poem stand out. The eyes the speaker is describing is majestic and intimidating at the same time.
| Quote: |
Bittersweet, the weight of judgment and want bring
My eyes to the floor.
I was silly to think I could match you. |
I like how you contrast those eyes to the speaker's eyes, this creates an effect of the speaker's inferiority, thus emphasizing the eyes' majesty and intimidation. |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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Seriously, your poem ate my heart.
I cannot tell you how much I can relate to this poem and how much I love it. Amazing imagery and just awesome....awesomeness. I really have no critic....I mean, perhaps the title could be different, but no, not really. Beautiful. Really, this is brilliant. |
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alleycat13
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
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Thank you one and all for the positive feedback. It makes me happy!  |
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Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
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Tatra
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: Re: Don't Look Away |
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I love your poem. I love the words used, and the imagery, beautiful. I only have two suggestion, the bold words. I think the first bold word would do better in the line before and the second bold would be better in the next line. It just seems to work better in my mind, they just seem to be a better break.
It's up to you, but just take a look.
| alleycat13 wrote: |
Don't Look Away
Fathoms of green and foam melt
In the two rings that stare at me.
I’ve seen eyes before, but these are oceans.
Inescapable focus pulls on
My own brown orbs like gravity.
I have seen eyes before, but these are magnets.
Laughter and brightness make
Me smile for no other reason than you.
I’ve seen pretty eyes before, but yours are ravishing.
Please, don’t look away.
Bittersweet, the weight of judgment and want bring
My eyes to the floor.
I was silly to think I could match you.
But still…
I lift my head.
Don’t look away. |
I really do think this poem is beautiful, and I love it. The words absolutely fit in, creating an amazing imagery.
Good luck with your poetry! |
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NightmareMoon
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:27 am Post subject: |
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So beautiful. I don't see anything wrong with form, and the mechanics look good. Your poem is so touching, and I can feel it draw me into its core. Good job.  |
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