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Charliebo
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 Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:44 pm Post subject: In the early hours. |
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Above the town,
The sky is split
And tugged from east to west by clouds.
Tiny black holes
Buzz like reversed stars in the morning light.
And below,
The town is dreaming of a vast number of things.
Cats and mice.
Feathers.
Buckets, spades.
A time before war.
Life before countries snapped and snarled at one another.
It sleeps,
But even as it dreams,
The country is reeled and tossed
On a tempestuous sea.
The bugs crawl over the dreamers
As bombs drop.
The town wakes
With a short,
Sputtering breath
Before being smothered in ash and fire,
Rippling metal and an ocean of blistering concrete.
The sun scrapes desperate rays
That fumble over the rubble.
Souls clamber from the bodies
That drape over the town’s shoulders
Like scarves
And un-stick themselves as they cling to life
That has already been choked by the ash.
They ascend like sparks
Or fireflies
From the devastation.
Nothing is left now.
Just the past, and the buzz
As bugs scuttle from view. |
_________________
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin
Last edited by Charliebo on Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 am; edited 4 times in total |
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pegasi_quill
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Posts: 150
Reviews: 40
Country: Poland
464 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: Re: In the early hours. |
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| Charliebo wrote: |
Above the town, the sky is split and tugged from east to west by clouds.
Tiny black holes buzz like reversed stars in the morning light.
And below, the town is dreaming of a vast number of things. Try to avoid using vague expressions/words, such as "things". Be as precise as you possibly can to bring the images you're describing to life.
Cats and mice.
Feathers.
Buckets, spades.
A time before war. I'd replace this full stop with a comma
And life before countries ripped and tore each other. I'd think you should say "tore each other apart", or "tore at each other". Right now, it sounds a bit strnage, unfinished.
It sleeps, but even as it dreams, the country is reeled
and tossed on a tempestuous sea. I like this line, good image 
The bugs crawl overhead the dreamers replace "overhead" with "over"
As bombs drop.
The town wakes with short, Either "a short" or "breaths", plural
sputtering breath
before being smothered in ash and fire,
rippling metal
and a sea of blistering concrete. Hmm, you already used the image of the sea. Try to replace it with something else. Or if you really can't, just change the word to ocean
The sun scrapes desperate rays
that fumble over the rubble.
Souls clamber from the bodies that drape over the town’s shoulders
like scarves
and un-stick themselves as they cling to life
that has already been choked
by the ash.
They ascend like sparks
or fireflies
from the devastation.
Nothing’s left now. "Nothing is" would sound altogether better
Just the past, and the buzz
as bugs scuttle from view. Effective ending |
I really liked the idea, and your imagery is really great. However;
Structure. This may be me being nit-picky and all, but still
1) You do not need to capitalise almost every line, as you did at te beginning. Don't be afraid to use more enjambments.
2) Again, especially at the beginning, you kept ending each line with a full stop. Don't. Enjambments are your friends.
3) Watch your line breaks, they are not always in the best of places. This refers back to what I just mentioned above - enjambments. Having a line as long as 10, 15 words, followed by one of 2 words, and then another of 8, looks messy. Personally, I don't find that effective. I'm sure there are others who'd say otherwise, though - just telling you what I think here, really.
Anyway, like I said before, your imagey and literary effects are great.
You could include some tactile imagery though, come to think of it...
Anyway, good job, keep it up! |
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~Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You can never tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things~
Away until August 31st (possibly longer) |
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jenni321
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with the above post, the line breaks kind of got a bit iffy with me, and yes, you need to capitalize the start of every line! I really did like the imagery though, although in some areas it kind of confused me, but that could just be me. Overall, I thought it was great, I would expect nothing less from you! You've written some really great things! Good luck,
Jenni |
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Tharlam Gyatso
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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This certainly is a very graphic, colorful poem. For that I am thankful to have read it. Despite my being in agreement with the above comments concerning the break of lines, I feel you have achieved something quite effective here. War and the nostalgia of that which came before, in peaceful times, is a difficult subject to comprehend and express in a fluent manner. You should give yourself a pat on the back.
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Veracelle
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I love your poem! It makes me think and imagine, which i love. Keep writing! It is certainly very color and it is very versatile! |
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gazdemon
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: Re: In the early hours. |
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| Charliebo wrote: |
Above the town,
The sky is split lovely use of form here, spacing the lines out - decentring the reader.
And tugged from east to west by clouds.
Tiny black holes
Buzz like reversed stars in the morning light. - beautiful imagery, vivid
And below,
The town is dreaming of a vast number of things.
Cats and mice.
Feathers.
Buckets, spades.
A time before war.
Life before countries ripped and tore each other. - perhaps a bit cliche
It sleeps,
But even as it dreams,
The country is reeled and tossed
On a tempestuous sea.
The bugs crawl over the dreamers
As bombs drop.
The town wakes
With a short,
Sputtering breath
Before being smothered in ash and fire,
Rippling metal and an ocean of blistering concrete.
The sun scrapes desperate rays - really vidid and captivating writing
That fumble over the rubble.
Souls clamber from the bodies
That drape over the town’s shoulders
Like scarves
And un-stick themselves as they cling to life
That has already been choked by the ash.
They ascend like sparks
Or fireflies - I like the use of fire and bugs as recurring themes, it creates a cohesion within the poem.
From the devastation.
Nothing is left now.
Just the past, and the buzz
As bugs scuttle from view. |
A lovely piece of work. Thanks! |
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lozzen
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| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hi charlie, tis i the loz miester. Anyway, the poem. Loved the imagery it actually brought up similar pictures that i got from the book theif, (now thats not a bad thing, i'm not saying that you copied i'm just saying that your way of showing us the scene is described in a way that would match the author, errrr, i can't remember his name, anyway which means its an achievment of it's own) Alot of things have been pointed out by the other critiques so there isn't much else left to say. But anyway good poem, up to the usual standards, not one of my favourite but still v. good. Congrats!
lots of huggles lozzen |
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