Topic ID: 32106
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
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 Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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An apple pip is those little brown pips that you find in the core of apples. They're sort of like seeds and I love threading them into my poetry because they hold a lot of childhood memories for me. Someone once told me that if you planted one in the garden, it would grow into an apple tree and being a naive child I did and that bitter disappointment when nothing happened has always clung to me. Sorry. A rather long winded explanation just to tell you what an apple pip is.
Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it =) |
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springrain2693
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: |
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There must be more to life than this:
a winter wind and withered kiss
upon these frozen, sun-parched lips;
just orange peel and apple pips. |
I love this! I have a strong feeling for poems with emotion and rhyme. I know how they irk some people; and dont get me wrong, they bother me when there isn't emotion to them. But I really, really liked this one. It brings to mind memories and really opens your eyes to looking at things in another perspective. Keep it up, two thumbs up. I love it. |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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This is really lovely Kit. It's so lyrical, and flows beautifully. I love the theme. For some reason it feels different to your other poetry...more mature or poetic or something...neither of those words are right, I can't place it, but it is different. I really love it. The imagery is beautiful and I especially enjoyed;
"a winter wind and withered kiss
upon these frozen, sun-parched lips;
just orange peel and apple pips."
The repetition of the "i" sound in that second line is brilliant.
I also like the sibilance of;
"seldom summer".
My only quibble is about;
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We're nothing more than drops and blips;"
I think it sounds a tad forced and disrupts the otherwise perfect flow.
Overall this is really beautiful and I love the tone.
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: |
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I really like this but I don't have anything to complain about. This was beautiful yet the humor painted the right thoughts, which I never seem to find in some poems. Your lines were weird but yet different, refreshing. I don't think you should change anything. This was great!
My favorite line was
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| There's less to love than fragile Rose |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:33 am Post subject: |
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 I'm terribly sorry, but i don't think you should do ANYTHING to this. Its absolutely perfect just the way it is, it is whimsical but also carries a subliminal message that I think all of us should take to heart.
"we are just orange peels and apple blips" 
Good work I think i will make it a point to read more of your work! |
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CaitE Baloney
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:05 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed reading this poem. I really like your idea's that you put into this and it truely captures a good image.
The only thing that I would have to say is the second line just seems to have a bit of weird wording. Other then that I really think you did a great job.
Keep up the good work
Cait |
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alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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Like everyone else, I really liked this. I had the same question about an apple rip til I saw your answer so now I've learned a new word. 
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There's less to love than fragile Rose |
I like this line too.
The imagery was awesome.
A lot of people already pointed this out but the wording on this line was a little wierd:
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a winter wind and withered kiss
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I don't really see the connection between the two of them.
Anyway, it was awesome.
-alwaysawriter |
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xyberangel
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 11:28 am Post subject: |
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I really loved the whimsical feeling in this poem and loved the flow of it, tats seems to bring back memories and the lines
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a winter wind and withered kiss
upon these frozen, sun-parched lips; |
I love the contrast between winter and sun-parched lips, seems to envoke memories even more because it hints of the past?
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There's less to love than fragile Rose
who blooms in seldom summer prose. |
I just found these two lines fit very well together and quite romantic sounding as its like the cherry blossoms which only bloom in the 3 short months of spring.
Lol funny about the apple pips, as my family always told me when I was little that If I ate watermelon seeds, I'd grow a watermelon in my stomach so I always made sure to spit them out
-Flora |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5361
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1343 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for taking the time to review, everyone =) I'm having quite a bit of trouble revising this actually. It's not that it doesn't need some editing because I think it does but every time I make a change I find myself wishing I'd left it the same and then I scrap the new version and I'm left with this one again.
Thanks for the encouragement, extra thanks for the stars and extra extra thanks for the suggestions =)
So keep the comments coming and let me know if I can ever return the favour. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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Jannie
Junior Writer
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Country: Philippines
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:52 am Post subject: |
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okayy.so i have poems like this.the rhyme thingy.
i LOVE poems with the rhyme thingy.
it's got loads of potential.
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LINE BY LINE COMMENTARY...
There must be more to life than this: [use a semi colon]
a winter wind and withered kiss
upon these frozen, sun-parched lips;
just orange peel and apple pips.
We're living on remains of death
with bottle caps, recycled breath,
and feeble rays of advent light
illuminate brash Beauty's blight. [forced in a way]
There's less to love than fragile Rose
who blooms in seldom summer prose.
We're nothing more than drops and blips; [blips?, err...i guess you could use a diff. word here]
just orange peel and apple pips. |
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