Topic ID: 6516
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Sohini
Her Meowness Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 948 Reviews: 377 Country: castle of moon 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 11:45 am Post subject: After Dark |
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After dark on a moonless night,
When no stars shone and nothing was bright
I saw someone climbing through my window
More followed him all lined in a row.
They were tiny, they were lean.
On their faces were smiles so mean.
One frightened with his very ugly face.
One opened my cupboard and tore some lace.
Few broke the handle of my door,
Others shattered the mirror and much much more.
One sawed off the legs of my chair,
Few said bad words and fouled the air.
They ate all the cookies and the entire cake,
They threw my poem which had taken weeks to make,
They shouted in my ear and made me sick,
They sprang in my bed and gave me a kick.
Yet one I found sitting there so blue,
As if he was unwell and had not a clue.
He looked at me with a tearful eye;
A face so sad that it made one cry.
He caught my eye and tried say,
To stop them he would find a way.
His friends-maybe foes teased him a lot
For sitting still and breaking a thing a not.
All night they stayed and stole my sleep.
They stole my dreams and made me weep.
But when the sky showed signs of dawn
They scampered off across the lawn.
My room was a mess-a frightening one,
Everything broken and some things gone.
I tried to fix them but all in vain
It saddened me so and gave me pain.
After dark on a cloudless night,
When heaven was starry and the moon so bright,
I saw someone coming into my room
I knew what lay ahead and waited for doom.
Strangely enough only one did come
The one who had sat and had been mum.
He came with a flute in his small hand
With that he wove music heard in no land.
Throughout my room his music flowed,
As if by magic the dark wall glowed.
The broken things stirred and moved
As if to the music they danced and grooved.
After the very last notes were played,
My things were fixed-all new they lay.
The music joined then in minutes so few.
Outside the night sky was changing her hue.
Amazed was I at this enchanting charm
I thanked him for mending all of the harm.
Then as the first rays of morn did pour,
He scampered off and they came no more. |
_________________ *Edward Cullen!*
The only good thing about the 1918 Spanish Influenza. |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8351 Reviews: 2093 Country: USA 3513 Points
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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 1:33 am Post subject: |
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YAY! A POEM NOT ABOUT DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND PEAS!
Well... actually, there was a lot of destruction but... who cares!
I liked this. The rhyming, most of the time, was pretty cool. What made it less than satisfactory was the metering. I wrote a little bit about it here, in my website at: http://www.ver2.biz/snoink/kn/writing/5.php
Anyway, keep up the original work.  |
_________________ Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
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Sohini
Her Meowness Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 948 Reviews: 377 Country: castle of moon 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 9:01 am Post subject: |
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thanks a lot.
hey, i really want to read (and maybe write) a poem about peas!! |
_________________ *Edward Cullen!*
The only good thing about the 1918 Spanish Influenza. |
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backgroundbob
Arcade King Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 988 Reviews: 248 Country: Manchester, England 200 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 12:10 am Post subject: |
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| Been there, done that; it's not as much fun as it first appears. |
_________________ The Oneday Cafe
though we do not speak, we are by no means silent. |
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Bjorn
Trotsky: The Blight of Europe, Apparently Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 02 Jul 2005 Posts: 836 Reviews: 126 Country: The House of Usher 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 2:15 am Post subject: |
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| Oh Sohini! I love your poem about, what I take to be, michievous pixies!^^ Adding some punctuation in some parts may have helped in reading, but really the point is there. Wonderful! And I might add, fun. |
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Cat_Lover_23
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Apr 2008 Posts: 24 Reviews: 11
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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Over all I loved it, but there are grammar mistakes and such that I just have to fix. I'm all about grammar and spelling and how words flow....not that I'm any good at poetry myself, but anyways...so here I go.
| Quote: |
After dark on a moonless night,
When no stars shone and nothing was bright
I saw someone climbing through my window
More followed him, all lined in a row.
They were tiny, they were lean.
On their faces were smiles so mean.
One frightened me with his very ugly face.
One opened my cupboard and tore some lace.
A few broke the handle of my door,
Others shattered the mirror and much much more.
One sawed off the legs of my chair,
A few said bad words and fouled the air.
They ate all the (change to my) cookies and the an entire cake,
They threw my poem which had taken weeks to make,
They shouted in my ear and made me sick,
They sprang into my bed and gave me a kick.
Yet one I found sitting there (where is there?) looking so blue,
As if he was unwell and had not a clue.
He looked at me with a tearful eye;
A face so sad that it made one cry.
He caught my eye and tried say,
To stop them he would find a way.
His friends, maybe foes, teased him a lot
For sitting still and breaking a things a not. |
Other than those mistakes this was really creative! Loved it! |
_________________ Cat_Lover_23
"...and [there were] doors that weren't really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending." -Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone |
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Evolmega
Novice

Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Reviews: 2
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
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WHOA :OOO!! I really enjoyed reading this one!
The rhyming was very smooth, and it entertains one!
It was funny, It reminded me of those 'shoe theifs' in that old story xD.
Overall, I thought it was great, keep it up  |
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Lady_Vampira
Novice
Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 25 Jun 2008 Posts: 8 Reviews: 3 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:12 am Post subject: |
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The rhythm and rhyming was extremely good; as was the 'story line' of the poem, not being something I have every come across before.
It seemed to flow nicely, I liked that.
Some things were a little confusing but Cat_Lover_23 touched on those (in particular the cake; i was sitting here thinking 'what cake? i didn't see a cake!').
Other than that; keep up the good work. |
_________________ We read to know we are not alone
-C S Lewis |
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