Topic ID: 32253
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Sinkingtooslow
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 20
Country: The Moon
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: Words from my heart |
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whispers and song lyrics
sound so much better
than the words i put down
when i wrote you that letter
how many syllables does it take
to make you understand
i can't write you a symphony
or anything that grand
but i'll give you these words
words we've both said before
and hope they are enough
because i have nothing more
let go of any grudge
and hold my hand instead
because your heart
wasn't the only one that bled
i am wilting without your voice
and i'm missing the way
you could make everything better
just with the words you'd say
so here are the only words
that are left for me to say
i love you and i miss you
and i want you to stay |
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Tatra
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Mar 2008
Posts: 174
Reviews: 57
Country: Oooh, Shiny!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:01 am Post subject: |
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I really like this poem, the imagery and what it's about. It's the heartache of a breakup without being cliche.
The only thing I didn't like about this poem, however, is the lack of punctuation. I know that sometimes the lack is a format thing, but I find it really hard to read a poem like that. Capitalize the I's and at least add in the bare bones of punctuation.
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but i'll give you these words
words we've both said before
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This is what I'm talking about, these two lines scream for punctuation. It might not look as bad in poetry format, but look at it all flat out: but i'll give you these words words we've both said before -- It looks, and reads, like this in my mind's eye and that isn't enjoyable for me.
I really do love this poem, the words and images created within it, but I don't think anyone can fully appreciate it without the grammar.
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let go of any grudge
and hold my hand instead
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I love these two lines, mostly because they remind me of my foray into romance.  But, it's sweet.
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So here are the only words
that are left for me to say:
I love you, and I miss you,
and I want you to stay. |
I love this stanza the most, though, which is why I fixed the grammar... This is what made the poem for me, the simple way you say what you want. This was also the only stanza where I noticed the rhyming, but I like how it's unobtrusive.
Good job with this poem, and good luck with your poetry! |
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Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.
- Incubus |
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Nolan
Writer
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Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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i liked this.
very elegant.
it needs to be punctuated, though:
Whispers and song lyrics
sound so much better
than the words i put down
when i wrote you that letter .
How many syllables does it take
to make you understand?
I can't write you a symphony,
or anything that grand.
But, I'll give you these words-
words we've both said before-
and hope they are enough,
because I have nothing more.
Let go of any grudge-
and hold my hand instead-
because your heart
wasn't the only one that bled.
I am wilting without your voice,
and I'm missing the way
you could make everything better;
just with the words you'd say.
So, here are the only words
that are left for me to say:
I love you and I miss you.
and I want you to stay
other than that, I liked it.
the only problem I found, other than that, was punctuation.
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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Cian Hywel
Novice
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Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:45 am Post subject: |
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I like it. It's very simple, and yet elegant. But most of all, it's VULNERABLE. The poem feels intimate and "real," and I feel as if I've been given a gift.
Thank you. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 473
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
369 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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the only thing that was wrong that i noticed to be a problem was punctuation. and nolan already took care of that.
the imagery and thought behind this poem was very beautiful...very...graceful.
the lines flowed with elegant ease. and the emotion was deep, strong, and very clear.
great poem!
-GC10 |
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"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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2Write4ALLways
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 13
Country: America
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Absolutely wonderful. It's a little heart-breaking, only because I'm feeling that right now. Its completely fantastic and your wording was incredible. You captured exactly what I want to say to *that guy* because it feels like no matter how many words I could say to *him*, none of them could capture the feeling quite like you did. Its that simple, "I love you and I miss you And I want you to stay." Thank you for that excellent piece, its truely wonderful.
After reading it a 2nd time, the last line might read a little better if instead of saying "And I want you to stay" it seems like s/he has already left, so it might help to say "And I'm wishing you would stay." However that is just a tiny word change and you might want a 2nd opinion before you change a thing; I'd hate to ruin such a great piece. |
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The things that I knew, I now see, that I don't.
The world is not the place I thought it was. |
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horsez919
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome poem. There was good imagery and emotionally...not intense but along the lines of that. I thought the rhythm was a bit awkward in places, not a big problem because it was only a line or two.
Your rhyming is very good, it isn't forced or anything. It seems natural in this poem.
Nolan pointed out punctuation-where commas and periods go and where capitalization is needed.
I really like this poem, it's superb!!
Keep Writing!
__________
_horsez919 |
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scribblingquill
Senior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Posts: 117
Reviews: 36
Country: scotland
356 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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brilliant.
truthful, honest, and simple without being clumsy.
Well done.
i kind of love this. |
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Save the cheerleader, save the world. |
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