Topic ID: 31307
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Sportgurl46
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 253
Reviews: 60
Country: Hickville
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: Beaten by Love |
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OK, this poem used to be "Poeple say a lot", but I wasn't connecting with that poem enough to continue with it. The first 2 critiques were from the first poem. So now I have a different poem. I hope you enjoy!  (This has not ever happened to me)
You said you loved me.
Then why did you hurt me?
Beating me 'til I was nothing.
There is not one part of me
that is not bleeding now.
You have me tied to the table.
Unable to use the phone.
Unable to scream for help.
You have punched my throat
one too many times.
You come in and out all day,
not once looking at me.
Knowing that I am here,
bleeding to death,
not able to breathe
for you have stabbed
my decaying stomach,
Will you help me?
Or leave me here, to perish?
I don't know why I loved you.
Maybe it was your cute dimples
that peeked out when you smile,
maybe it was that irresistable smell
of Axe that made me melt.
Or maybe it was those tight muscles
that you used to hold me close
before you used them to hurt me.
The lights overhead are dimming,
My vision becoming a blur,
and I can no longer
feel the pain you caused. |
_________________
-When the Boogeyman goes to bed every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Last edited by Sportgurl46 on Tue Sep 02, 2008 12:13 am; edited 9 times in total |
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Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
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Posts: 8729
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Country: USA
2148 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:04 am Post subject: |
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Aha! And so we meet again! 
I don't know which of my critiques you'll read first, so I'll basically introduce myself again, just to be nice. I'm a horribly mean critiquer who reads waaaaay too much poetry. Which means it takes a lot to make me say, "ZOMG, I LOVES THIS POEM!" With that said, it would thrill me to no end to see what you can do with this poem to make it better. Teenagers (and you're one of them!) are incredibly smart and resourceful human beings who respond to adversity often above and beyond their call. So I hope you'll take this criticism productively and blossom as a poet. <3
Right now, this is just a bunch of rhetorical questions positioned such that it looks like a poem. And rhetorical questions are a great place to start for poetry, but I think you're spreading yourself too thin. Robert Frost spent a whole poem on your first rhetorical question in his famous poem, "The Road Not Taken." So what I would love to see is you take each rhetorical question you pose in this poem and develop a complete poem from it, answering your questions through lovely imagery.
So basically, let's look at the second question you pose, about peer pressure. For me, I freeze when I confront peer pressure and I really don't perform well. Whenever somebody says, "Let's do this!" to something I don't agree with, I freeze and then try to back out as quickly as I can in the lamest way possible, and people think I am stupid because of it. So for me, if I were to write about peer pressure, I might use the imagery of ice to describe me, and I might use the imagery of a desert to describe peer pressure. So I would write about me, melting in peer pressure.
Poetry is intensely personal, so it's going to different for everyone and you would probably write something completely different in regards to peer pressure, using your own equally valid experiences. And that's completely fine. But you have to draw on these experiences that you have and create something beautiful out of it. You've asked some really good questions. Now you must answer them using your own experiences.
Once more, PM me when you edit this poem. I would love to see what you can do with this. |
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kris
Senior Writer
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Joined: 06 Jun 2008
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Country: UK
82 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this poem. It was not enough to make me wet myself. However, a pleasent read none the less. My advice...hmm, well. The best advice i can give to you, is "listen to Snoink".
However, i feel that you could work on the flow of the piece.
well done anyway. Kudos |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
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597 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hi (again)!
Hmmm, I have to say that content-wise, this is one of your better poems.
You should try changing the intro, or just taking it out altogether. Too Overused.
There is a stanza of which I really liked:
| Quote: |
I don't know why I loved you.
Maybe it was your cute dimples
that peeked out when you smile,
maybe it was that irresistable smell
of Axe that made me melt.
Or it was those tight muscles
that you used to hold me close
before you used them to hurt me. |
That was cute, and it had imagery/voice. Well done!
Also, your ending wasn't strong, and it really didn't wrap up your poem. Try changing it up a bit.
See you around! |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
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C.J. Mustang
Novelist
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 272
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Country: In my novels
677 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:50 am Post subject: |
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ok, I loved your poem, but I found a couple of things that you might want to fix:
| Quote: |
You said you loved me.
Then why did you hurt me?
Beating me 'til I was nothing. <--you use 'nothing' here,
Nothing but bones walking around.
^^and then 'nothing' here. it's too repetitive. try and find a different word for one of them.
There is not one part of me
that is not bleeding now.
I have scratches
crawling all around my skin,
and I can't move.
_____________________________
You come in and out all day,
not once looking at me,
but knowing that I am here,
bleeding to death,
not able to breath<--'breathe'
for you have stabbed
my withering stomach<--period.
Will you help me?
Or leave me the way I am?
______________________________
I don't know why I loved you.
Maybe it was your cute dimples
that peeked out when you smile,
maybe it was that irresistable smell
of Axe that made me melt.
Or it was those tight muscles
that you used to hold me close
before you used them to hurt me.<--this sentence is phrased as a question, so you might want to put a question mark there.
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Other than those things I found, I thought it was awesome! You could really become an awesome poet if you keep it up; you're getting there! You rock, Tyn Bear!
~CJ |
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Sorry, I don't have any leeches on my speed dial.
~Jacob Black
"Run baby, run, don't ever look back." Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 445
Reviews: 179
Country: Fantasy... DUH
597 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:38 am Post subject: |
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Wow! You take constructive criticism very well! You manage to enhance ypur writing and listen to everyone and take it all in while never losing your piece by changing too much.
This is why I love being one of your friends. Instead of seeing the crits and crying over them, you listen and morph into way where it works for you. That's a good trait to have!
So, on to your edited poem. I did mention that this is one of your better poems, right? The best actually. But, there's one thing I didn't notice before: "Beatin' by Love" should be changed to "Beaten by Love". 'Beatin' translates into 'Beating', and that doesn't make much sense, now does it?
The last line in your first stanza... scratch it. Make it disappear. It's unnecessary and ruins the flow.
| Quote: |
I don't know why I loved you.
Maybe it was your cute dimples
that peeked out when you smile,
maybe it was that irresistable smell
of Axe that made me melt.
Or maybe it was those tight muscles
that you used to hold me close
before you used them to hurt me. |
My fav! Sorry, had to mention that again.
| Quote: |
The lights overhead are dimming,
My vision becoming a blur,
and I can no longer
feel the pain you caused. |
Beautiful ending! And here are the reasons why:
1) You listened!
2) IMAGERY! You used it! Yes!
3) Nice flow.
4) It wrapped it up quite nicely...
8/10! |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
Last edited by Livinginfantasy on Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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XxxDo
Oh, life..
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 385
Reviews: 88
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
424 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:53 am Post subject: Re: Beaten by Love |
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Be warned, I've never critiqued poetry before but especially for you, here it is !!
Hope it helps, though I'm a disaster at writing poetry, so feel free to ignore things I say!
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
You said you loved me.
Then why did you hurt me?
Beating me 'til I was nothing
but bones walking around. bones walking around seems odd to me. What is this supposed to mean? To me it calls up a mildly anorexic picture, but that's just my inability to read poetry I think. Hee hee I'm trying
There is not one part of me
that is not bleeding now.
You have me tied to the table.
Unable to use the phone, I think a full stop here
Unable to scream for help, and a full stop here would be better
You have punched my throat
one too many times.
You come in and out all day,
not once looking at me,
but knowing that I am here,
bleeding to death,
not able to breathe
for you have stabbed
my withering stomach. This is one sentence, maybe add a full stop somewhere where it fits. Also, "withering" sounds a bit odd to me
Will you help me?
Or leave me the way I am? leave me the way I am seems like something you could make stronger. like "Or leave me dying as I am" or... I don't know XD You're the poet, your choice.
I don't know why I loved you.
Maybe it was your cute dimples
that peeked out when you smile,
maybe it was that irresistable smell
of Axe that made me melt. Axe! Axe smells gooood
Or maybe it was those tight muscles
that you used to hold me close
before you used them to hurt me. that's really heartbreaking!
The lights overhead are dimming,
My vision becoming a blur, becoming a blur sounds odd to me
and I can no longer
feel the pain you caused. |
Hee hee I hope that was constructive advice! I did my very best Let me know if you want me to review anything else!
XxxDo |
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