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clueless
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:32 pm Post subject: rain |
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Drip,drop, on my skin
Tingly coolness spreading within
A day in the rain is the day I like best
It gives me a breath,
a forgiving rest
It splashes, it trickles
It's wetting my face
I stick out my tongue
to it's heavenly taste
For now is the time
when worries are gone
As I sit in the rain
On my green, wet lawn
-after reading the reveiws im changing it-
As I sit in the rain
On my dew-dropped lawn
any better? |
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I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours.
Last edited by clueless on Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:10 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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clueless
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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| im not sure that "green wet lawn" fits but i was sorta strapped for ideas |
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I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good poem. you don't really keep up the same rhyming pattern through the whole thing...that's the only problem i can find. i didn't check for spelling and grammar...don't be too disappointed  .
overall, its a good, well-written piece.
Good job!
-GC10 |
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hobbes
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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hmmmmmmm....well, i did enjoy. stupendous poem yet again
good grammer and punctuation( is that how you spell it?) and all that
i think the last line fits fine.
-mark ake:hobbes ake:speakerhead ake: CKE-
P.S. definitly signing my papers like that in 7th grade
 yet again,dancing elephants to ye |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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Over all it was okay, but i don't personally like it. You had a few mistakes and I'll point them out for you.
1.) Your punctuation needs work. In the very beginning you seemed to do well, but after the first 3 to 4 lines you forgot it completely. Punctuation is what helps to make a poem flow. Go back, reread it, and see how you want it to sound. Then write it so we know that too.
2.) Rhyme. You rhymed in the beginning and then at the very end, but not in the middle. It usually works out best when you rhyme all the way through if you want to rhyme at all.
Other than that it was a good poem. Fix those few things and you will have a poem worthy of recognition |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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Drip, drop on my skin;
Tingly coolness spreading within.
A day in the rain is the day I like best:
It gives me a breath,
a forgiving rest,
It splashes, it trickles,
It's wetting my face.
I stick out my tongue
to it's heavenly taste,
For now is the time
when worries are gone.
As I sit in the rain
On my green, wet lawn
I liked this.
I fixed punctuation up a bit.
Like you said, that last line doesn't really fit.
Try " Waiting for dawn" or "Singing my little song."
Something along those lines might work, but, it's your poem, so do what you like with it.
 |
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niteowl
I Need a Better Custom Title
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the wording of this, and the rhyme scheme fit well. However, I agree that you do need some punctuation. Also,
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| to it's heavenly taste |
It's should be its.
Also, I'm not sure if the comma in the last line is necessary. In fact, that line itself seems a bit weak. Perhaps there is some more interesting way to describe said lawn. Maybe "drop-covered" or something along those lines?
Overall, I liked it, just had a few nitpicks. Keep writing! |
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kris
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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Over all an OK poem. I did not tier of it, nor did i wee myself with excitement 
You did manage to create a very solid sense of scene with confident imagery.
the line - "heavenly taste", seems a little hackneyed and Stael. very cliché.
I also think that you could have done better, with your rhymes. There are too many half rhymes, which makes the poem feel clumsy.
kris
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Veracelle
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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I like it. It is very descriptive. I like the "Drip, drop on my skin". It almost sounds young, like an innocent child making up a song about the beautiful rain.
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I stick out my tongue
to it's heavenly taste, |
I love that! It makes it seem like the angels are crying, or they are little crystals from heaven. |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey Mary! I loved your poem. Knowing me, any poem that rhymes I'll love it. Unless it's some poem just rambling on and on without a care. Also, you used good descriptive words. my personal favorite:
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Drip, drop on my skin
Tingly coolness spreading within. |
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Bookmarker
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:35 pm Post subject: Reply |
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No way! Awesome poem!  I liked the "drip drop" part. It described the sound of the rain and weather (ha ha  get it? WEATHER!) the rain is soft or not. I think you lost the rhyming pattern toward the end. Maybe the poem wasn't supposed to rhyme at all and it was just a coincidence?
P.S. Cool ninja   hamster avatar! I was going to pick it but then I thought that a lot of people would have it since it is awesome. |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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hello ^^
this poem had a perfectly gently atmosphere. I loved it. And i agree - i love rain too. The sound and the feel of it are soothing, and your poem translated that well, i think.
I thought that the second line could do with rethinking.
Firstly, because i think you could probably think of a more effective word than trickly, and also because i'm not sure what you meant by it spreading inside. You might want to make it clearer, because the first time i read it, i thought to myself 'but the rain is on the outside...'. This is probably just because i am an idiot! but maybe consider it.
Also, i'm not sure about the ending. the new version is better.
best of luck with later stuff. I hope you maintain this atmosphere. it's really lush!
from charlie. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:12 am Post subject: |
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Hey!
I love rain, so the title got me immediately. And the poem was lovely. The drip drop part is cute, it reminds me of "Little April Shower" in Bambi
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As I sit in the rain
On my dew-dropped lawn |
This feels and sounds better to me.
The flow and the rhyming is great in the whole poem. Keep up!
Demeter xx |
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Uo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:37 am Post subject: |
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This was fun to read and i'm not kidding.....it was like rhythmic lol and was cool and it's true that rainy days are the best ......i liked it a lot go you lol umm i don't know what else to say so yea sorry but great job dude ;D
-Uo the lady in grey |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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I think what makes a poem is your ability to sync words and phrases so that they rhyme and make sense. You did that perfectly: you set they scene, carved a path into my hearth, made me actually notice this piece enough to post a response.
I am not saying that you should disregard these punctuation tips, i am saying however that those were minor, if you have a good poem punctuation can be dealt with after =)
8/10 -good work
favourite lines:
It splashes, it trickles
It's wetting my face
I stick out my tongue
to it's heavenly taste
~power by voice,strength by punctuation.~ |
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