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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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 Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:32 am Post subject: You Knew |
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This song has a pretty distinct tune, but I'm not completely happy with it. I've been playing around with using different structures for my songs, and this is what came out of it. It's slow in bits, but is more angry-rock type in others. Enjoy!
You Knew
I thought we were perfect,
I thought it was meant to be.
I thought this was forever,
But now I really see.
You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me.
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in.
And now I’m standing on the top of the building,
Just looking at the people below,
I’m wondering why you did it,
You may have sun but I got snow.
I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You’ve just made me sad.
You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me.
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in.
I’m taking my step towards the edge,
I know now the work is done.
You can hurt me anymore,
The venom is off your tongue.
I know,
You’ll always regret this,
I know,
Why did it to me.
I didn’t,
Tell you.
I just let you believe. |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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This is very good! You showed the emotion very well. Here are sosme parts I wasn't so crazy about:
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I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You've just made me sad. |
"You've just made me sad" doesn't really...work. Sad is a very weak word compared to the emotion expressed in the rest of the song, and it feels very inconsistent.
Now, the chorus. See how there are an odd number of lines? That threw me way off. I didn't understand how the rythem went. This problem repeated in the stanza directly following the chorus. I thought that part was angry rock, in addition to the chorus, and the rest was slow. Is that correct?
| Quote: |
I know,
You'll always regret this,
I know,
Why you did it to me.
I didn't,
Tell you.
I just let you believe. |
I didn't really understand what you meant by the last three lines.
Overall, this was good, but it was rather hard to understand in parts. |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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Choco!
Here's a crit for your song 
Hmmm, I liked your imagery when you wrote about standing on top of a building and all that. In this part here:
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And now I’m standing on the top of the building,
Just looking at the people below,
I’m wondering why you did it,
You may have sun but I got snow. |
Loved the sun and snow reference.
Although I think in the end you should give a solution to what he did. Makes the entire thing less vague and gives you great opportunity to build up some more climax.
But then you have lines that seem so empty, just pretty much like fillings for the gaps. Since in a song you need to get in and out within three to four minutes every single word has to have a meaning.
Nothing can sound even slightly hollow, therefore I'd consider some rephrasing in places.
| Quote: |
I thought we were perfect,
I thought it was meant to be.
I thought this was forever,
But now I really see. |
Hmm okay, I can see this in every other song on the radio, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but for an opening it could be a bit stronger.
Maybe to catch the reader's attention some more you should use less common phrases and perhaps mentioning the location or something that has to do with it (for example her feet on the cold roof or something) would help?
| Quote: |
You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me. [Now what did he do?]
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in. |
The first four lines are fine as they are, but I don't exactly know what you mean by the last three.
Perhaps the last line could be replaced by you just led me on as I think that's what happened, but still I'd suggest to change the two before that as well. Just focus on the information you're trying to give in that part and then find different ways of saying it and use the most fitting.
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I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You’ve just made me sad. |
This seems a bit too vague.
| Quote: |
I’m taking my step towards the edge,
I know now the work is done.
You can't hurt me anymore,
The venom is off your tongue. |
Why are you using the passive voice in the first line. I think I take a step towards the edge is a good alternative.
It's the fist time "your work" is mentioned. Maybe use something else there to express that "you" don't feel the need to linger on earth any longer.
Think about replacing the "can't" with a won't. Just a suggestion.
I don't know about the whole venom thing. I think you're saying that you're faster and you'll be dead by the time he's there to hurt you again, means you've made the decision for him and taken the venom off his tongue. Only it sounds a bit awkward and it's also the first time you use a reference to poison, so maybe rephrase that, too.
| Quote: |
I know,
You’ll always regret this,
I know,
Why did it to me.
I didn’t,
Tell you.
I just let you believe.
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Okay, this is, just as thunderdude said, confusing. I'd try to bring out what you mean clearer.
Goodness, I'm sorry if I sound harsh or anything. I'm in an overly critical mood today, Rosie, so don't be discouraged. I hope this helped you and feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like me to take a look at an edited version or anything.
All the best,
~Kalliope |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not the best at writing or critiquing songs but I'll see what I can do...
You Knew [Not the most interesting of titles but as far as song titles goes, it's good.]
I thought we were perfect,
I thought it was meant to be.
I thought this was forever,
But now I really see.[I think this first stanza needs to be better. I'd love to see this song start off quiet and sad and then build up to the heavy rock chorus. Maybe something more poetic and pretty like
'I thought your hand fit mine;
as seamless as the split
between the land and sky.
As perfect as your wit
that passed me by:
you knew. You knew that I was wrong.]
You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me.
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in. [I really like this as a chorus. It's simple but effective and the tune's really strong. Good work.]
And now I’m standing on the top of the building,
Just looking at the people below,
I’m wondering why you did it, [I think you need to add another line here. A lot of your stanzas are very short and also, this doesn't quite flow into the next. Maybe 'What was it worth to you?']
You may have sun but I got the snow.
I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You’ve just made me sad. [I think this stanza needs re-writing. It's weak and doesn't really add to the story. Maybe actually describe the good times a little. 'Dancing on the side-walk' or 'Drinking in the summer views' just something to add a little more narration to it because every song needs to tell a story.]
You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me.
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in.
I’m taking my step towards the edge,
I know now the work is done.
You can't hurt me anymore,
The venom is off your tongue. [I like the half rhyme with done and tongue. I think that works well but I think 'work is done' sounds a little cliché so maybe you could edit that a little to give more of a feeling that she's ad enough.]
I know,
You’ll always regret this,
I know,
Why you did it to me.
I didn’t,
Tell you.
I just let you believe. [Your character might understand but your reader doesn't. This last stanza is very unclear. What did she let him believe? What didn't she tell him? And where's the ending? Does she kill herself? As it is the song seems to just stop with her standing on the edge and I'm not sure if that works. It needs to be longer. Sing it to yourself and time it and you'll find it's shorter than you think.]
Overall, I think this has potential but it needs improvements. It sounds like the sort of song that people would listen to but sometimes that's not enough. It needs a little more substance and it needs a clear story, your audience needs to know these characters and you only have so many lines with which to introduce them so think carefully. Sorry I can't be more helpful but I hope this gives you some ideas,
Heather xx |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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