Topic ID: 32189
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:07 am Post subject: When It's All Done |
 |
|
Can you feel the currents blowing
On top of the world?
Motionless waves rolling,
And a wrath unfurled.
When the world falls in,
And no one knows how,
Will you stay to begin?
Or will you say ciao?
When it's all done,
And nobody can say,
Will you have run?
Or will you have stayed? |
_________________
"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's decent, but I think it lacked a bit of an impact, I didn't feel much from it.
| Quote: |
Can you feel the currents blowing
On top of the world?
Motionless waves rolling,
And a wrath unfurled. |
You don't need to capitalize the first word of every line, like in the second and fourth lines. Think of it like a sentence: would you write "Can you feel the currents blowing On top of the world?" No. I think a question mark at the end of the fourth line would help too.
Second stanza was nice.
| Quote: |
When it's all done,
And nobody can say,
Will you have run?
Or will you have stayed? |
Up until this point your rhymes were pretty good, but your rhymes dominated
the stanza, and they came over as forced. I don't have any suggestions as to how you can edit it unfortunately.
Imagery was okay overall, but once again, I think you can do more. |
_________________
"If you love something, give it away"
~ Conor Oberst |
|
| Back to top |
|
Tatra
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Mar 2008
Posts: 174
Reviews: 57
Country: Oooh, Shiny!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like this poem and how it reads. I loved the imagery you used within it. And I like how you can't really tell who the narrator is talking to. In one way, it could be God and, in another, it could just be a normal person.
| Quote: |
Motionless waves rolling,
And a wrath unfurled. |
I love these two lines. Motionless waves rolling is so contradictory, but it really does fit in with the wrath part.
| Quote: |
When the world falls in,
And no one knows how,
Will you stay to begin?
Or will you say ciao? |
I do have to admit that the rhymes in this stanza do seem a bit forced. {art of that does have to do with my mind trying to add in more words. 'Will you stay to begin again? // Or will you say see you later/goodbye/ciao.' All of the words that I do think of in place of ciao are translation of the word. So, maybe that is a good word for it... Of course, I still say add the 'again,' because I didn't quite realize that you were doing the abab format....
| Quote: |
When it's all done,
And nobody can say,
Will you have run?
Or will you have stayed? |
And I do have to mention that the rhyming scheme doesn't quite word in this line. Say/stayed, see? Also, I keep wondering, what is it that people can't say? Is it the next two lines? Or, am I just being dim? 
On the topic of capitalization and punctuation, you did a great job. I didn't find anything wrong with the punctuation, and you capitalized everything, without running into all caps, . About capitalizing every line, it's up to the writer how he or she wants to format it. It's up to you if you want to capitalize or not, although I think the caps really do lend well to the format of your poem.
If I look at Walt Whitman's book of poetry 'Leaves of Grass,' I find that he has capitalized the start of each line. E.E. Cummings, on the other hand, doesn't seem to use much punctuation at all, let alone grammar... So, I do think it's really up to the poet and format. Now I shall let you go on with your life,  .
All in all, I really do like this poem. It's short, but it really gets your point across. And I do love the words and images that you used within it. It really did make me think of the end of the world, and the unanswered question: what now?
Good luck with your poetry! |
_________________
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.
- Incubus |
|
| Back to top |
|
kris
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is a very clean, elegant poem. I really liked it. It had a simplicity to it that i find really appealing.
Very well done.
ty
kris
x |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
powerofwords2008
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 26
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 7:08 pm Post subject: Re: When It's All Done |
|
|
| Nolan wrote: |
Can you feel the currents blowing
On top of the world?
Motionless waves rolling,
And a wrath unfurled.
|
nice quote. i like the overall meaning of the piece and i think it's a pretty good reflection of what you're trying to say. i also like how you added in a twist with using a bit of spanish to sort of help you out with the wording. there are some places where i believe you could have elaborated more, but that's about it as far as that. i also like the spacing you used because it seemed to help in getting your meaning across more. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
horsez919
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey! I really like this poem. The rhymes fit really well too.
| Quote: |
When the world falls in,
And no one knows how,
Will you stay to begin?
Or will you say ciao? |
This is my favorite line. I loved how ciao to rhyme with how. The reason why I like it is because you used ciao, and obviously it's another language. =]
| Quote: |
Can you feel the currents blowing
On top of the world?
Motionless waves rolling,
And a wrath unfurled. |
This stanza is flawless. It rhymes well and the rythm just keeps flowing nicely. There's no jerks or anything.
Very good I love this poem!
__________________
_horse919 |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
