Topic ID: 32205
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kris
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 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: Kissed to death |
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Cold light reigned over the motionless room.
She was always, softly spoken.
Where the misbehaved daughter met her doom.
Shiny teeth, a winning token.
Motionlessly she lay on the bed side.
Silver chain, links all broken.
The sheets gave no trace of her one intention.
No blood betrayed her body,
tightly coiled around her neck.
For her desires she preened.
Her admirer was not what he seemed.
Now counting best, her misadventure resting.
Sorrow pours from her mother
Enter the police for forensic testing. |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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This was weird but it was good. Um you certainly have the rhyming down and the story is a bit...understandable. Only its the last stanza that is bothering me.
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Now counting best, her misadventure resting.
Sorrow pours from her mother
Enter the police for forensic testing. |
It seems that it came to soon, like a puzzle piece in the wrong place. You've got so many other pieces to paint the picture, otherwise people are left wondering "what happened?" Flesh this out as if you were actually writing a story. Don't worry about rhyming until you connect the dots.
All in all,
Good Start.
Keep Writing,
Angel  |
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ProfessorRabbit
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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In line 2, I'd suggest removing the comma.
Now, as far as narration here, the 2nd and 3rd lines seem out of place. It would make more sense if they were the other way around. This wouldn't disrupt the rhyme scheme badly, either. In fact, I think it might sound better.
In line 5, I'd suggest "Motionless, she lay on the bed side" instead.
The last two stanzas feel like there's something missing. It jumps around a bit and leaves some things unsaid that I think are important. For example, you say "Tightly coiled around her neck," without indicating what is around her neck. I don't think you need to change any of these lines, but I'd suggest adding a few more in there. This is a narrative, after all. Tell us more!
That all being said, you've got a great start here, but I don't think the poem is finished. |
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Veracelle
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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WOW. it really makes you think about it and read between the lines. Very interesting, kind of weird. But very good. I love that
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Shiny teeth, a winning token.
Motionlessly she lay on the bed side.
Silver chain, links all broken. |
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cassie17
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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This was really good. The rhythm and flow was pretty good throughout most of the piece. But the last three lines seemed kind of out of place. The rest of it was mostly vivid mental pictures and made readers look for deeper meaning, read between the lines, etc. The last three lines don't really fit that criteria and seem simply out of place.
Other than that, this was really good! It was a poignant, different piece.
--Cassie |
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MadamCharlotta
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: I enjoyed it |
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This is really good.
You have description down and the imagery that is brought into the mind is sublime.
I enjoy the use of language too.
Top stuff
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject: |
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as Angel of Death said, the last stanza seemed to come too quickly--maybe thats because i was enjoying the poem--i don't know. you just seemed to jump from the death--which was semi-understandable (to me, anyway)--to the actual like...investigation.
overall, this was a very good poem. strange...but good.
-GC10 |
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kris
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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A big thank you to everybody who commented on this poem of mine
I really appreciate the help given.
Love
Kris
x |
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Malae
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: |
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O.o! I loved this! It was a little morbid, you're right! But awesomeness! I liked the rythem.
I can't see any grammer mistakes, really.
I had to read it a couple times to get it though, murder? Rape? Something like that, right?
Anyways... keep up the good work!
-Mal |
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