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This thread was created on June 23, 2008
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Topic ID: 32027
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wisemann210
@(V_V)@
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 388
Reviews: 67
Country: USA
187 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: Trapped |
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Trapped in
trapped out
the key is my shout.
no one hears
my cry or tears
for they have left,
I am trapped in
and trapped out
now my shout matters not
like a body without a soul
or a mind without thought
my feelings trapped in
my feelings trapped out
in a box
myself as the lock
i need the key
to release me, you see
for i am locked in
i am locked out
from the world,
i am locked out |
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pegasi_quill
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 150
Reviews: 40
Country: Poland
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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Needs working on.
1) Watch your grammar - such as capitalisation. It's important. Lack of using correct grammar could result in much less reviews, not being taken seriously and so forth. Besides, for crying out loud, this is a writing forum, so the use of correct grammar is sort of obvious... is it not?
2) Watch your repetitions. I'd suggest you avoid themin poetry altogether, unless they are absolutely necessary to create a certain effect.
"Trapped in, trapped out" is fine. But repeating that the next three times makes it less effective. And adding on feelings does not change the fact this is a repetition.
3) You need imagery. You repeat yourself, do not go into much detail at all, and hae no imagery whatsoever here. That, and vocab - use a thesaurus. I do that all the time. Don't be afraid to experiment with words.
4) Go into detail. Zone in on things - it really does help bring the poem to life, and makes it more effective. |
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jenni321
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 104
Reviews: 33
Country: 2nd star to the right
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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I agree, you need to work on the mechanics of the story, like the grammar and capitization (im horrid at that too, though). I liked the theme of it, but you should have added something more, details, or maybe just more substance to it. It just seemed to kind of cut off. The repetitiveness of it kind of got me too, try to keep the repeating down to the minimum, only for affect. Work on it a little more, I think it could turn out pretty good. good luck!
Jenni |
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| This thread was created on June 23, 2008 |
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