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Playing The Field - Epilogue
Playing The Field - Epilogue

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 23, 2008
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Innocent Blood

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Echolair   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:52 am    Post subject: Innocent Blood Reply with quote

Something that popped into my head. I just had to write this fruit of vampire addiction so soon. Razz Oh and I won't do anything with the (...) and capitalizations because i sort of wanted it to sound not plainly narrative but poetic in a way. Enjoy! Very Happy

--------------------------------------------

The heartbeats in his head drown out the mischievous laughter and delighted squeals of the other children on the playground...their merry voices are mere whispers in the distance, as the hunger sets in... "So many Beating Drums", he thinks...."inviting me to Drink."

Ten feet away stands a child around his own age, but slighter in frame. A small boy with such fair complexion, whose eyes seem to smile even when his face is blank... He's more alone than the other children, who seem to be in pairs or triplets, going about various playful tasks.(Perhaps it was loneliness, more than the heartbeat in his neck which called the Hunger) Just standing there idly watching a handful of sand fall from his tiny fingertips...oblivious to the child approaching.....

It happened so suddenly. At first there was nothing but a cold numbness which set in, the moment the child seized him and bit into the soft part of his neck below the ear. Dazed and frightened, the Boy screamed with a fury born of rage and pain, while struggling in an ill attempt to free himself from the restraints of his Captor...."Shh, dont worry...be still" (a voice within his head whispers) "it'll all be over soon"

....and then it Begins....

-----------------------------

"Aaah!" He rose to his own voice shrieking in fear with his eyes wide opened. "No! I didn't! I--," trembling, he reached for the lampshade and heaved a sigh. It was dark and he was a Tepes. He was Dakin Tepes. None of their kind would ever be bothered by dark, moreso for it to scare one.

Dakin turned to the red gems-embellished glass and studied the fading reflection that taunted him...."Blood?"...the Tepes turned away, "What are you?"

----------------------------

SIDENOTES:

The next shall be posted soon. Yes......Dakin doesn't know he's a vampire. He's been living with Drones, blinded enough by their warmth to forget he's ever a boy with "bloody" needs. -_- But his age of consciousness, is trying to open up the hidden dimension of his entity..

Yes yes about the Tepes. If you know Bram Stoker, the one who created Dracula, he was inspired by Vlad Tepes the Impaler. So it is historic. Razz Someone believed to have vampirism, impaling his enemies at stakes then drinking their blood after his victories. Nice to have cleared that out. Very Happy


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Last edited by Echolair on Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:32 am; edited 4 times in total
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Sumi H. Inkblot   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heya, Echo! You get a line-by-line. Aren't you lucky? Razz

Quote:
The heartbeats in his head drown out the laughter, and delighted squeals of the other children on the playground...their merry voices are mere whispers in the distance, as the hunger sets in... So many Beating Drums, he thinks....inviting me to Drink.

The first sentence is pretty weird. Consider moving the "drown out the laughter" part to the end of the sentence.

So, what's up with the weird capitalization? Is it for emphasis? You should specify, because it looks funky.

Speaking of funky, I applaud you for attempting second person. It's so hard to write! But your tenses lapse in and out near the end. Constant vigilance.

Do the "merry voices" fade as the hunger grows? Some more information or a clearer description would be great.

Quote:
10 feet away stands a child around his own age, but slighter in frame..a small boy with olive complexion, whos eyes seem to smile even when his face is blank..Hes' more alone than the other children, who seem to be in pairs or triplets, going about various playful tasks.(perhaps it was loneliness, more than the heartbeat in his neck which called the Hunger) Just standing there idly watching a handful of sand fall from his tiny fingertips...oblivious to the child approaching.....

Okay, as a rule-of-thumb, numbers one through twenty-one have to be written longhand. Between twenty-one and one hundred, you can go either way, and after a hundred is when you can start to use numerical symbols. But for now.... Ten feet away. ^.^

Also, I can't tell if you're trying to use ellipses (. . .) or just periods. It's like you haven't really decided, lol. Choose, if you please!

"Olive complexion" -- I LOLed. All I could think of was olive zits, and that's more than a little gross, so try a re-phrase. You're being all mysterious and things, and then suddenly...olive zits. XD

More alone? Yes. Re-write that.

Whos = whose
Hes' = He's

Ditch the parentheses. Never use them if possible -- they interrupt natural narrative, though they can be quite effective for humorous pieces. Commas --work just as well, or perhaps these hyphens-- ,work just as well.

Quote:
It happened so suddenly, that at first there was nothing but a cold numbness which set in, the moment the child seized him and bit into the soft part of his neck below the ear.Dazed and frightened, the Boy screamed with a fury born of rage and pain, while struggling in an ill attempt to free himself from the restraints of his Captor...."shh, dont worry...be still" (a voice within his head whispers) "it'll all be over soon"...."and then it Begins"....

That first sentence is a little unruly and long. Consider breaking it into two or simply editing it severely. The comma is also unnecessary and misplaced.

Boy = boy, unless the boy's name is Boy, of course.

"a fury born of rage and pain" Er, nix "rage", unless you want to attach "animal" to it or something. When you're being gripped at the neck by teeth, you aren't angry, you're panicking, struggling, kicking and clawing.

Captor = captor, unless the captor is a brand name. CAPTOR: For all your dirty laundry and carpet stain issues!

Oh, I like this. Despite its underdramatic drawback, the parentheses works well here. It's almost poetic. Kudos! (You still need to capitalize the first letter of the dialogue, properly space it and all that fun stuff. ^.^)

""and then it Begins"....

Uh, whut? What's that mean? Did the voice say it? For effect, I'd recommend moving that bit down a few lines. Is there more to this story? (If there is, PM me when you post more. ^_^)

Things to work on: Dramatics. Yeah, right now it's basically, "a kid in a playground got bitten on the neck by another kid on the playground". Give description. Illuminate the work, so to speak. Give a slo-mo at a critical time. Read to find out how others do it.

This is also a bit small for a regular post. I think the general minimum for stories is something like five hundred words (the general maximum never exceeding two thousand), and I'm guesstimating that this is around 250. You're not giving me much to pick at, so I must end here.

PM me if you have any questions on my reviews, if you post more or if you'd like another critique!
~Sumi

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Echolair   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

me sorry. I was half-assed freestyling this,, and usually, my drafts are poetic so when i haven't studied it up a bit it does suck, grammatically speaking. Even the punctuations are all around! Smile) But thanks muchos for that Ridiculously Long Articulation yet very Helpful critique.


We should have a blood pact and be good friends. 0.o


CHASE.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Echo! You said to ignore the caps and the (...) so I did. And because of that...I have no idea how to edit your post! Isn't that awesome?!

Okay, sorry, that was way uncalled for. Anyways, I liked it. I like the name Dakin. Very original. I thought it seemed poetic, too. Very nice.

I will be waiting for the next installment. Very Happy

*~*Kiss*~*

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This has a really good middle. I get what you mean when you put the (.....). I was just a little confused throughout this story about who was talking about who. In the beginning I thought it was the vampire himself. But then I realized it was the narrator, then after that it goes to the actual vampire does it? I'm sorry, but I was very confused about who the narrator was talking about. It has good details though. I would consider revising this part; make it easier to understand.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I followed your advise and ignored all the caps and (...), which I'm glad I did. Otherwise, I would have been very irked by all those! Razz

With that said, I think that you have a very...unique piece. I would agree that it has a poetic side to it. But sometimes, I was very...um...confused? Like that part when Dakin is drinking the little boy's blood and then you say "So it begins" or something like that and then you switch scenes. Very misleading. You need to either put break lines or something to signify that you are switching scenes or that it was a dream.

Another thing that confused me was this line:

Quote:
It was dark and he was a Tepes. He was Dakin Tepes. None of their kind would ever be bothered by dark, moreso for it to scare one.


What?? I'm not sure what is going on here. What is a "Tepes"? I'm can see that it is a last name but what does he mean by this? And the next line just was...odd. Need to make more clear about what you mean.

However, besides all that slighing bewildering things, I enjoyed this. You have a very different writing style. It's refreshing! Wink

I look forward to your next installment!

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