Topic ID: 31909
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: Johnny Boy Ain't Too Smart |
 |
|
Johnny Boy had it all
Had his name set in stone
Never knew the powers above
And he tried to conquer the unknown
Johnny was never smart
Tried to become that upstart
And found he can only go so far
When he’s driving drunk in a car
His mama must’ve been proud
Her kid had clout;
But he lost it all when he decided to mess about
It wasn’t just the drugs, or even the booze
That had Johnny Boy singin’ the blues
Lost his soul to the devil
And never had a clue |
_________________
I am what I am. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1766
Reviews: 578
Country: My own little universe
547 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
You have an interesting premise, but no substance. Also, no punctuation. Currently the poem just seems to wander through cliches, and I honestly think it would make a better song (as currently written) than a poetic piece.
There are some images that have potential, though. I like the idea of a connection between the blues and the devil - perhaps you could expand on this. Your rhyming is all over the place, so you might be better converting this wholly into free verse. And a few literary devices (metaphors, similies, etc.) wouldn't go amiss either 
Basically, this seems like the shell of a poem, but it's a good place to start. Try exploring who Johnny is, what it's like to be him, why he is this way, what happens to him, and so on. You want to get the reader engaged, and right now I'm just not feeling it.
Hope that helps.
Cheers,
~bubbles |
_________________
Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.
-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam |
|
| Back to top |
|
KaatiieBugg
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 13
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree, this could be a good poem, but right now it's all over the place and there isn't any punctuation at all. Maybe a tad bit more work, creating more of an image for the reader.
-Buggs |
_________________
Writing: My Anti-Drug |
|
| Back to top |
|
Charliebo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 48
Country: Britain
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
i like it. It had a good style, and it's interesting. However, if you are interested in making some changes, i have some suggestions. (if not look away now! )
ok, so maybe think about the rhyming/rhythm that you've got going on here. If it's going to be a regulated rhyme, i think you need to be careful about the rhythm. It would need to be really straight.
However, i don't think this poem would sit well with that kind of rhythm. So, instead, maybe think about taking out some of the rhymes, messing about, but try to make the rhythm a little more even. for example...
It wasn’t just the drugs, or even the booze
consider changing to...
It wasn't just drugs, or even the booze.
I don't know, it just seems that the 'the' before drugs stutters the poem.
another example...
And found he could only go so far
When he’s drunk, driving in his car
i've made a couple of changes to tense and pronouns and stuff, but it might not make that much of a difference. I changed A to HIS before car, because, obviously, he would be drink-driving in a car. It just seemed to make more sense if you said that it was HIS car.
His mama must’ve been proud
Her kid had clout;
But he lost it all when he decided to mess about
with this bit, I think that, as you've already dropped the rhyme on the line about his mama being proud, you don't need to struggle with rhyming to 'he kid had clout.' that line is one of the best lines. It's really great. I think that the rhyme after it detracts from it. Maybe consider changing it to something like...
His mama must’ve been proud
Her kid had clout;
But then he lost it, when he messed about.
can you see what i mean?
i hope i've helped a little. i really think this is a poem with potential.
best of luck with later work..
from charlie. |
_________________
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin |
|
| Back to top |
|
jessi123
New Member
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 1
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is good...definitely agree it could be a song, by The Clash or something,ha.
But yeah I like it, I don't agree that you should think about changing it. Subject matter's good, makes a change from all the love poems there seem to be around here...
It's a bit punk.. I like that.. X |
_________________
Everybody has a story to tell - Joe Strummer. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Krupp
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I have to be honest, I completely forgot to punctuate anything...but comments are appreciated nonetheless. Thank you all. |
_________________
I am what I am. |
|
| Back to top |
|
jenni321
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 106
Reviews: 34
Country: 2nd star to the right
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
You have a really good idea (I love poems with this kind of moral), but I just don't think you did much with it. This poem should be like a story, almost a ballad, longer, with more details. The rhyme scheme you had going on was kind of iffy,
like when you said:
Had his name set in stone
Never knew the powers above
And he tried to conquer the unknown
I thought the 'stone, unknown' part was kind of ruining the rhyme. Try to keep it so the sylables match. Work on it a little more, add details, and pay attention to the rhyme scheme, I think it'll turn out good!
jenni |
_________________
Wait...i see a light!! And look, there's Mr. Rogers!! And behind him is a chorus of golden muppets singing my favorite jams!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
