Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The Balcony
The Balcony

by canislupis in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on June 21, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Westrion's Rider(01)
Westrion's Rdier(02)
Westrion's Rider(03)
Westrion's Rider(04)
Westrion's Rider(06)

Westrion's Rider(05)
Topic ID: 31937
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
a creature of the night
Speaker of the Forum

165
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 567
Reviews: 165
Country: USA
1443 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:10 pm    Post subject: Westrion's Rider(05) Reply with quote

A service was held for Karigan in the main throne room. People paid their respects and laid flowers at the base of the marble funeral slab. It was a prettily decorated with carved flowers and woodland scenes. Karigan lay upon it dressed in a loose white gown. People mourned for her in respectful silence. What they didn’t know was that a ghost figure had joined them.

Karigan touched a man’s shoulder, but found it went right through him. She backed away in shock.

“What’s going on?” she asked. Karigan looked to the side of her and saw a beautiful woman who looked at her and smiled.

“Do you know who I am?” the woman asked.

“Of course, you’re my mother.” Kariny walked closer to Karigan. She cupped her daughter’s cheek and placed a motherly kiss on her forehead.

“My Karigan, look how you grown.”

“Mother, what going on?” Karigan asked, looking around at the people.

“Why sweetheart,” Kariny said, slowly, “Karigan, you’re dead. We are at your funeral.”

“What?” Karigan said, shocked. She looked around weaving through the people. She stopped when she saw Zachary. He looked hollow, like something had died inside. She walked close to him. She cautiously raised her hand to his bearded cheek, but her hand went passed through him when she meant to touch him. She turned to her mother.

“Why I am here if I am dead?”

Kariny walked over to her daughter and wrapped an arm around her to lead her to the body.

“The gods are giving you another chance. Westrion has chosen you to be his avatar,” Kariny said as she helped Karigan perch herself on the marble next to her body.

“Then what parts to you have in this?” Karigan asked.

“My job was to guide you back to your body and tell you that you will be happy with the one who you love,” Kariny said as she began to push Karigan’s spirit back to her body. “Please take care of your father for me.”

Karigan’s spirit merged with her body. Her body began to sweat and twitch as mind, body and soul realigned.

Stevic approached his daughter’s corpse, with tears in his eyes, and placed a hand gently on her cheek. Her eyes flittered.

“Papa,” she whispered. Furrows appeared between Stevic’s eyebrows as he doubted what he had heard. He leaned over her body, his ear to her mouth.

“Papa,” she whispered again, her eyes open. Stevic stumbled back in shock.

“She’s alive,” he yelled, “She’s alive.”

“Master G’ladheon…” King Zachary said as the guards closed in on Stevic. The poor man. He is losing his mind to grief. Zachary thought.

“She’s alive,” he said fiercely as the guards came closer to him. A cough erupted from Karigan’s throat, and she rolled to her side. Zachary stared at her for a dumbfounded moment.

“It can’t be,” Zachary whispered as he made his way off the dais. He brushed a hand against her cheek.

“You’re alive,” he said. His voice was cracking. Lady Estora let out a sob of happiness. Soon Riders, noble, and commoners alike were in an uproar as the news spread through the castle. A very somber day had suddenly turned into a day of rejoicing.


_________________
"sometime you can't help but break the rules."

Odette Gray of Poison Love.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
mikedb1492   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

169
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Posts: 239
Reviews: 169
Country: The U.S. of A.
487 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It was a prettily decorated with carved flowers and woodland scenes.

'Prettily' isn't a word I'd use here, or in too many other places. Also get rid of the 'A'. I'm figuring it was a typo or something.
Quote:
Karigan lay upon it dressed in a loose white gown.

Add a comma after 'loose'.
Quote:
“My Karigan, look how you grown.”

rewite that as- you've grown.
Quote:
She cautiously raised her hand to his bearded cheek, but her hand went passed through him

Quote:
“Why I am here if I am dead?”

"Why am I here...
Okay you had a few more writing mistakes and typos but I'll leave them to you to find. You should be able to find them and the others I showed you with some simple rereading, which you should start doing before posting.
Quote:
“The gods are giving you another chance. Westrion has chosen you to be his avatar,” Kariny said as she helped Karigan perch herself on the marble next to her body.

Put the 'Kariny said' part and everything after it right after the first sentence. The main problem with what you did was have two sentences before the 'said' part, which can sound weird.

Overall, you're mistakes were't too bad, and the writing was good.
Edit: Sorry. I just saw that this wasn't the first part of the story. I'll go and delete a few things that are there since I don't know what happened previously.

_________________
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 21, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 21, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. - Orson Welles
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society