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CoMpLeXiOn
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: Worthless..? |
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All I feel is pain and agony,
And it seems just yesterday
I felt truly happy.
If I die alone before this morning,
Please let my soul find someone; somewhere.
In the lucid world of ghosts and dreams,
In with all the love and light
Though, leave my body to rot into nothing.
For I'm worth nothing.
And my heart is priceless
Find the key again
And open the box
Let it be free..
Finally I shall die a lover. |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:55 am Post subject: |
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I think this piece has some potential, but it's lost amidst the jumble. First thing I'd advise is to clarify, clarify, clarify. Get a piece of paper and in the middle write down the central theme you want to convey with this poem (I'm guessing the idea of "looking for love" or "loneliness", right?). Then brainstorm. You have some interesting images here: a lucid world of ghosts and dreams, a soul and body separated. You should play on these, expand them until they say what you need to say. At the moment, the meaning and impact of the poem seems to be buried by its confusing structure and the fact that the images are disjointed - they don't come together to form a coherent whole. A bit of punctuation and some sharper line breaks would help too. Clean it up a bit and I really think you'll have something.
An example of how it might look, restructured:
If I die alone, before this morning,
please let my soul find someone, somewhere,
in the lucid world of ghosts and dreams.
Let my body rot, for it is worth nothing
without my heart; set me free again that I
might finally die
a lover. |
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Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
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-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:43 am Post subject: |
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Hey, complexion!
This wasn't bad at all. Maybe one of your first poems? It was a little emo, but that's alright.
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Though, leave my body to rot into nothing.
For I'm worth nothing. |
The word "though" seems odd to me, at least in this part. Wouldn't "thus" fit better? "Thus, leave my body to rot..." I think so. And the other thing is that you use "nothing" twice, which makes this redundant. I can't tell if it's the idea, but if so, you need to make it sound like you didn't write it accidentally or thoughtlessly.
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| Finally I shall die a lover. |
I didn't quite get this last line. i don't understand it. Is it me or is it you? I don't know, but it's probably me. Maybe you should reword this a little, so the meaning would become clearer.
That's all i have to say for now. See you around!
Demeter xx |
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CoMpLeXiOn
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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| ^^ thanks for the advice i'll look around to making a 2nd draft or somthin' :] |
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niteowl
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: |
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I liked some of your images, like the lucid world of ghosts and dreams. Unfortunately, they were clouded by some of your vague words. In the beginning, you talk about pain and agony. Problem is, they're used so much that they lose nearly all meaning. Try not to use too many "emotion words" in a poem, like happy or sad. Yes, you want to convey those emotions, but it's best done through unique imagery.
Also, your punctuation is off, which disrupts the flow. Try punctuating it as you would prose so the reader doesn't get distracted by the lack of punctuation.
Thirdly, your ending line was a bit confusing. It seemed a bit abrupt. See if you can lead into it better.
Overall, you had some interesting imagery which you could expand on. Keep writing! |
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jessi123
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good, dark but good.
I agree with whoever called it emo.....but as emo is short for emotional then it can be considered a compliment. It IS emotional, and powerful with it. X. |
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CoMpLeXiOn
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks guys! ^^ always good to here some advice/complements.. :p |
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jclifton
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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i must say, i didn't exactly love this poem. if you know me, you'd know i'm an extremely harsh critic of poetry, and it takes a really outstanding poem to impress me... but this poem didn't really seem to discuss anything special or new in the world of poetry, and it didn't seem to discuss the same old poetry topics in a very grabbing, original, or interesting way.
i don't think i can really review a poem like this in a really fair way, because my personal dislike for poetry comes from morose, overly dark and dramatic poems such as this. it sounded fairly stream of consciousness, or at least like it was written very quickly with all the cliches of emo poetry firmly in mind. "leave my body to rot", free my soul, "all i feel is pain and agony" don't seem all that interesting to me. in my opinion, if you're going to write poetry like this, please try and transcend what comes off as some kid whining about his lost puppy-love... |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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I won't break this down stanza by stanza, I don't find it necessary.
Your main problem here is that you made this far too self-indulgent. I felt very disconnected from the poem the entire time. If you're going to write something depressing, it needs to be heartfelt, you need me to love you, and then break my heart. With this kind of thing, you need to make a personal connection to the reader, and you fell down there and you fell down hard.
I don't have much to say beyond that. |
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CoMpLeXiOn
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:35 am Post subject: |
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| -nods- yeah I'll try to dream up new stuff or sumthin' thanks guys |
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