Topic ID: 30307
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Paradise555
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 9:04 pm Post subject: How to Start Over |
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Okay, so this is something I started a few days ago. Not that great, but I do like the plot. So if you can, please help!!
And these first two paragraphs are like the prologue.
Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out. This was the only thing that could calm the young woman's pain. Breathing. In the plain hospital sitting alone, she waited. Waiting for her friend to return with news of her love. The man she truly loved. Now their love may of caused his death.
The young woman is Allison Bradley, the young man whom she loves is Andrew Lopez. Allison's father, chief of the LAPD Joe Bradley is responsibly for putting Allison and Andrew in this situation. He is a cruel and abusive man. Allison was once his punching bag. Till she turned 18 and moved 3000 miles away from him, to live in New York City and attend it's university.
He would do anything to ensure that no man touch would her. All but Officer Jake Thomas. He is a good friend of the chiefs, and went through something which ended up with him living with Joe and Allison. But Jake would sneak into her room at night and do things to her that she didn't want to do.
I remember in high school she wore long sleeve shirts to cover her bruises and her long glamours blond hair would drape along her face to try and over those scares.
Hello, I am Missy Graves, Allison's best and truest friend. I will tell you her story. But I will be telling it from heaven. You see, I died in a fire in July of 2007. That's what brought Allison back to the sunny beaches, back into the evil eyes of her father and Officer Thomas, and into the loving arms of Andrew.
Yeah I know, it's short. But please leave your comments!! I will really appreciate it!!! |
Last edited by Paradise555 on Sun May 18, 2008 1:54 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Maki-Chan
Atama Kata hiza ashi, hiza ashi!
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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1st to point out mistakes and re dos, than my opinion.
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| She sat alone in the plan hospital as she waited for her friend to return with the condition of the only man she truly loved, and now many die because of their love. |
plan? Should it be plain. Also this is a bad sentence for me. Shorten it down. Likes this.
*In the plain hospital sitting alone, she waited. Waiting for her friend to return with news of her love. The man she truly loved. Now their love caused the death of many.* just a suggestion. You don't have to use this.
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| He is also a cruel and abusive man. |
take *Also* out of there. It is not needed.
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| Allison was his punching bag until she turned 18 and moved 3000 miles away to live in New York and attend New York University. |
*Allison was once his punching bag. Till she turned 18 and moved 3000 miles away from him, to live in NYC and attend its university.*
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| He would also do anything to ensure that no man touched her, accept if that man is Officer Jake Thomas. |
He would do anything to ensure that no man touch her. All but Officer Jake Thomas.
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| I remember in high school she wear long sleeve shirts to cover her bruises and her long glamours blond hair would drape along her face to try and over those scares. |
wear=wore *her long glamours blond hair would drape along her face and cover her scars.*
scares= scars
Fix these mistakes then it will be alont better. I rather liked this. it was interesting, and it drew me in. The way you are telling it in Missy's point of view is really neat. Especially since she is in heaven. ^_^
Keep on writting- its really interesing. |
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Aet Lindling
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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| You need to post 2 reviews, as per the 2:1 review to work ratio rule. |
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lhighton
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:54 am Post subject: |
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Hello there!
Well, my first thoughts are that this has potential. You have a good plot going - but I do have some hold-ups (sorry).
First off, you've told us so much so blatantly in the prologue. I know the prologue is supposed to enlighten us a little, but maybe you could have gone about it in a slightly more subtle way. The only reason I mention this is because I fear you will run out of things to say, too quickly, and hence have a story that doesn't really go anywhere (AKA really, really short.)
Lastly, you have made a few spelling/grammar mistakes, as already pointed out. It was quite a short story, so I'm thinking it couldn't be so hard to proof-read it first, eh?
Anyway, good luck with your story.
Lauren |
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alwaysawriter
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Other than the few grammer errors, it was really good. When I write, I have a tendency to correct my grammer as I go along-which is probably why I never write second drafts-but you don't have to do that; I've heard a lot of other people say that it takes away the "flow" of writing. It was an interesting view point too. Like someone else said, don't reveal too much in the first couple of paragraphs or pages--let the readers have something to figure out. Don't forget to add dialogue--too much description makes a story boring (ex: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens). |
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Paradise555
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys for the reviews!!!!! I'll be sure to fix the mistakes!!!!
- Ellie |
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dommy65
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:56 am Post subject: |
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| This is a really good start for a story. Making allison scared and worried makes in the begining her vulnerable and relatable. I think this has great potential and besides the few gramar issues, which i'm not going to repeat because others have already done so, it will be a great story. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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This was decent, I guess. But it felt more like a opening to a play or something, when they give the backgrounds of all the characters. I didn’t like how you did this. You do WAY too much TELLING. It was kind of like: and then she did this, but first she did this, and I am going to say that…ect. Put some ACTION and ADVENTURE into it. If it is going to be a prologue, you need it to be catching, bringing the reader into your world fairly quickly. But I felt your prologue dragged. Need to put WAY more emotion into this as well.
But on the bright side, I think what you have is a GOOD start. I mean, you have all the elements of a seemingly good story, but don’t tell us all of that in the beginning. It ruins the fun of us finding out! 
Hopefully this all helped and I am on to Chapter One! |
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chick_with_a_pen
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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| i really like this kind of forbidden love I like it I hope you continue it has lots of potential |
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PerforatedxHearts
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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At first it was a bit confusing, what with all the typos, but I think you should've worked on it a bit more to give us more to work with concerning critiques.
Uhm, pretty much just that when you post something like this on YWS, try and make it as polished as you can, even if it's just a few paragraphs.
I can't really tell whether this story is cliche or not, but if it isn't it surely is in the danger of becoming cliche. There's really no romance about the bluntness of the way you tell the story, how direct you are. It's pretty much all tell, and no show. Soften up that ghost a bit, and maybe experiment around. Maybe Missy isn't the right person to tell the story. Honestly, if that's her real voice, then the whole novel would be over in about 20 pages or so.
I'm sorry for being so blunt. I guess if you posted a bit more I'd have more advice on how you can improve your story.
--Ree. |
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Paradise555
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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That's okay, I need all the help I can get with this. And I am not telling the story in Missy's point of view anymore.
Thanks for commenting! |
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